Chapter Eight

After playing Shark for about an hour, everyone tired of the game and decided to do something else.

"Let's put on a play," Michelle said to them. "We do that all the time."

"What sort of plays?" the Doctor said.

"Just pretending different things," Michelle said. "We make up stuff down here. Sometimes we let Mommy and Daddy watch."

"Brilliant. We could be the audience then," the Doctor said, nodding to his family.

The children got in a huddle. The Doctor noticed they kept glancing at him and giggling. After ten minutes, they walked over to the Doctor.

"You're going to be a part of our play," Mandy said to him.

"Me? I have no acting ability," the Doctor said. "None whatsoever."

"I don't believe you," Brittany said.

"Okay, I did act with Shakespeare," he said while Amy and Rory glanced at each other. "But I'd rather watch the play, not be a part of it."

"But you have to be in it," Michelle said. "You're gonna be the star!"

"Star, eh? Okay, I suppose I'll give it a bash, as they say. What do I do?"

"Lay down on the couch like it's an examination table," Brittany said.

The Doctor glanced at his family and they got up and sat on the far side of the sofa while the Doctor lay down and stretched out. Michelle raced to her secret room and the Doctor watched while she went inside and turned on the light. She came back a few minutes later carrying a black plastic medical bag with fake doctor's tools inside it.

"Ooo, is this your dramatization of the E.R. program?" the Doctor said. "Can River be a nurse then?"

"Shhh," Michelle said to him.

"Oh, sorry," the Doctor said. "Continue your playacting."

He listened while the children decided who would start. Finally, Brittany decided to go first. She stepped up to the sofa and laughed a cheesy evil laugh.

"At last, I have the alien in my power and I'll dissect him and find the mystical purple diamond resting near his heart."

The Doctor's family laughed hysterically at the surprised look on the Doctor's face.

"What purple diamond?" he said.

"Silence, Alien Being," Brittany said, putting her hand over his mouth. "And now, Nurse Pooky, begin the examination."

Brittany took her hand away and the Doctor watched while Michelle opened her doctor's bag and pulled out a toy reflex hammer. She walked up to the Doctor's head.

"Will you give us the diamond?" Michelle said to him.

"Um…apparently not since the diamond appears to be inside my body," the Doctor said while his family giggled. "Unless you expect me to defecate it out."

"Silence!" Michelle said, hitting him lightly on the forehead with the hammer.

She frowned when the Doctor raised his right leg and lowered it back down.

"What was that?" she said, pointing to his leg.

"Do you know what that thing does?" the Doctor said, pointing to the hammer.

"Yes, I know what it does. I went to college for eight hundred years to know what it does," Michelle said.

"Eight hundred years?" the Doctor said while everyone laughed. "Blimey, are you a Time Lord too?"

"Shut up!" Michelle said, bopping him on the forehead again. "And quit that!" she added when the Doctor raised and lowered his leg again.

"I can't help it. That's used to check reflexes and when you hit me, my leg goes up on its own."

"Where's the diamond, alien scum?" Brittany said, leaning in.

"I will not say since you are not addressing me in a respectful way now," the Doctor said while his family giggled.

"Nurse Mandy, open him up and remove the diamond!" Michelle said, pointing to her sister.

The Doctor watched while Mandy walked up to him and leaned into his face.

"Hi," she said when she was inches from his face.

"Helloooo," the Doctor said. "Are you going to cut me open?"

"Yup," Mandy said, leaning back and walking over to his right leg.

The Doctor frowned when Mandy began squeezing his leg.

"Um…what is that for?" he asked Brittany while pointing to his leg.

"She's going to cook you," Tom said, coming up to his head.

"Cook me? I thought you lot were going to retrieve a diamond," the Doctor said while his family laughed hysterically. "Make up your minds, will ya?"

"Where have you come from, Alien Invader?" Brittany said. "What are your plans?"

"I come from Snoozlefrax and I'm here to have a good time."

"No, you lie! Michelle said, bopping him on the forehead with the hammer.

The Doctor raised and lowered the leg Mandy wasn't squeezing.

"Who are you with, who sent you?" Brittany said.

"Star Command, Buzz Lightyear," the Doctor said. "Any other questions?"

"What is To Infinity and Beyond then, Buzz Lightyear?" Michelle said to the Doctor.

"I'm not Buzz Lightyear, that's who sent me. Perhaps you should hit yourself with the little hammer and loosen the wax from your ears."

"How many aliens are there?" Mandy said, walking back to his head.

"Oh, are you done tenderizing my leg now? Okay," the Doctor said to Mandy while his family laughed. "In answer to your question, there's no one else. I have come seeking refuge after being thrown out of my house by my wife. She objected to my smelly feet and I thought to myself, I thought, Earth has plenty of smelly feet, I'll live there. So here I am."

"What about the diamond?" Brittany said.

"The diamond is not in my body. I went to the toilet and heard this "Kerplunk" and I got up and there it was. I flushed it with my poo and so you'll have to search through the sewers now."

"YOU LIE!" Brittany growled as she lunged into her face.

"Phew, Earthlings have bad breath as well," the Doctor said, fanning the air while his family laughed harder.

"Doctor Pooky, operate on the subject!" Brittany said, leaning back up and pointing her finger at Michelle.

"I don't have a knife," Michelle said with a shrug.

"Well, tear him open and throw his guts on the fire till you find the diamond," Brittany said.

"Blimey, these are unpleasant people," the Doctor said to his family. "I don't like the sound of being torn open and watching my innards burn. Will you save me?"

"Save you? We're the audience," Amy said. "We're not a part of this."

"Well, I'm breaking the fourth wall and asking for help before I'm vivisectioned here," the Doctor said to her. "Look at her," he added, pointing to Michelle who was studying his chest. "She's like a wolf about to pounce. Stop her!"

"Hey, this is a very ugly shirt, just letting you know that," Michelle said to him while she pointed to his shirt.

His family laughed when the Doctor stared at them.

"I've been wearing that shirt ever since I met her. Now she notices it?" he said as they laughed harder.

"And what kind of alien wears a bow tie?" Brittany said.

His family looked at the Doctor expectantly.

"What?" he said when he saw their bemused looks.

"It's your cue," Amy prompted.

"Cue for what?" the Doctor said.

"To say what you always say about bow ties," Rory said.

"OH!" the Doctor said, slapping his forehead while his family roared with laughter. "Oh yeah, bow ties are cool," he said to Brittany.

"Daddy wore a bow tie to a funeral once," Michelle said to him.

The Doctor stared at her, waiting for her to go on. His family laughed when he realized that was it.

"So?" the Doctor said while they laughed harder.

"He just did," Michelle said, shrugging.

"Uh huh, okay," the Doctor said. "So…the anesthetic you're using on me is your boring stories. You're putting me to sleep by feeding me pointless anecdotes about things and then you operate. Is that right?"

"I saw a cow once," Brittany said.

The Doctor stared at her while his family snickered.

"I saw a wooly mammoth," the Doctor countered.

"I saw a basketball," Mandy said.

"I saw the Hanging Gardens of Babylon," the Doctor said.

"I saw Uranus," Brittany said. "And it smelled bad."

"N'yuk, N'yuk," the Doctor said while the children giggled at the childish joke. "Yes, that was frightfully witty. I'll never be able to come back with a wittier bon mot after that one."

"I saw a piece of poo," Tom said. "And it was in the toilet so I picked it up and ate it."

Everyone laughed when the Doctor made a face at that.

"I would like to ask if that's a true story but somehow I have a feeling it is," he said.

"I ate a penny once," Mandy said. "Daddy called the doctor and he said to wait till I pooped it out and I did."

"Wow, how can I top these wonderful anecdotes? the Doctor said, pretending to think while his family laughed.

"I ate a dog biscuit once just to see what it'd taste like," Brittany said.

"Ponds? Would you like to top these wonderful boasts?" the Doctor said to his family.

"I have one," Rory said. "The year after you made your little visit to Amy and filled her head full of ideas about traveling with you, I was forced to dress up like you and pretend to be you and Amy used to kiss me and say, "Oh Doctor, I want you so much!"

"I did not!" Amy said while everyone else laughed. "That is a lie!"

"You did make me dress up like the Doctor," Rory said to her.

"Okay, yes, I did. But I didn't kiss him and say I want you," Amy said. "I didn't even like boys at that age."

"You liked the Doctor," Rory said.

"As a friend," Amy said. "I was eight years old at the time."

"So…the whole idea of performing a skit has just disintegrated into nothingness now," the Doctor said to everyone. "We were putting on a play but now, we're trying to outdo one another's anecdotes."

"We could sit and talk," Michelle said, putting her medical bag on the floor and sitting down by the Doctor's legs.

"I thought that's what we were doing," the Doctor said.

"Well, we're doing it some more now," Michelle said with a shrug.

The Doctor stared at her for a moment before raising and lowering his leg.

"I didn't hit you," Michelle said.

"I know, my leg does that on occasion. It has a mind of its own sometimes," the Doctor said.

"Kids, come up here for a moment," Lori called down the stairs.

"Go! Hurry! Hasten to see what your parental unit wants now!" the Doctor said, pointing up the stairs.

Everyone ran towards the stairs except for Brittany. The Doctor raised his eyebrow and looked at her.

"Stay here, we're gonna get that diamond outta you when we get back down here," Brittany said.

"TRY IT, I AIN'T AFRAID OF YA!" the Doctor yelled as Brittany ran giggling to the stairs.

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