Chapter Two

"You guys, you give me back my time machine now!" Cartman said as he tagged along behind the Doctor and Clara. "I am in control and you will respect my authoritah!"

"Clara, tell the cardboard cutout to shut it," the Doctor said over his shoulder.

"The Doctor tells you to shut it," Clara said, looking back and down at him.


The Doctor stopped suddenly and with a heavy sigh, turned towards Cartman. He noticed the others were hurrying to catch up to them but unlike their friend, they didn't get on his last nerve and didn't seem to be loud, rude and vulgar.

"Go back where you came from, little boy, and learn to speak without swearing every other word," the Doctor said. "We're investigating this spaceship and the last thing we need is you following us around, swearing and telling us to give you my spaceship."

"It is my spaceship, you stupid fuck," Cartman said.

"Cartman, shut the hell up," Stan said as he went around him to the Doctor.

"No, I will not shut up! If you're the police, arrest these motherfuckers!" Cartman said, pointing at his friends.

"I'm sorry about him, he really doesn't know when to shut up," Stan said to the Doctor. "I'm Stan and this is Kyle and Kenny and he's…Cartman," he said as he pointed to everyone.

"At last, politeness. I'm the Doctor and this is Clara," the Doctor said with relief.

"If you're a Doctor, why the fuck does your box thing say police on it?" Cartman said.

The Doctor rolled his eyes and walked off.

"Goddamn it, I'm talking to you, you stupid geezer!" Cartman yelled.

"Hey! Shut up!" Clara said to Cartman. "Or you're not coming with us!"

"How you gonna stop me?" Cartman said with a smirk.

He gasped when Clara picked him up and held him out at arm's length.

"You don't weigh much and I can kick you across the field. Now if you're gonna follow us, shut up and follow orders!" Clara growled at him while Cartman's friends giggled.

"Let me down, you stupid hoooooooo!" Cartman yelled as Clara threw him away from her. Cartman landed twenty feet away on his ass and shouted curses at her while Clara walked away. Kyle sighed and walked over to Cartman.

"Hey, you wanna find out about this spaceship?" Kyle said, pointing back to the spaceship which was now on the ground.

Cartman opened his mouth, thought better of it and then shut it.

"Yes," he finally said meekly.

"Then do what they say and shut up. I wanna know what's going on and the Doctor won't let you come if you keep calling him a fuckface. So shut up and obey him."

"You obey him," Cartman muttered under his breath but he stood up and followed Kyle as he walked back to the others.

By now, the Doctor was examining the outer hull of the spaceship.

"Odd, it looks and feels like paper," the Doctor said to Clara as the children gathered around them. "Yet, it has weight to it. I can't pick it up with ease like I can with Podgy over there."

Stan suspected that the Doctor was insulting Cartman but he didn't look Cartman's way or gesture towards him and so Cartman had missed the insult or perhaps, Stan mused, he really was being on his best behavior so he could stay. He didn't know what podgy meant but he guessed it meant "fat" and he filed it away inside his mind for future use against his friend.

Cartman left the group and walked along the length of the ship, examining it for himself. Stan noticed him and followed. Cartman looked back when he saw someone following him and snorted.

"I'm not cussing at anyone, Stan," he said to him.

"I'm just wondering what you're doing, Cartman," Stan said to him.

"Just looking for a way into this sweet, sweet spaceship so I can have it too," Cartman said. "You can go back to the others now, Stan."

"If I were you, I wouldn't be so eager to go inside another spaceship," Stan said. "Remember what happened the last time the aliens abducted you?"

"That was a long time ago. I'm fine now."

Suddenly, a bolt of electricity shot down from the air, hit Cartman and changed him into a tarted up Judy Garland. Stan watched as he danced around and sang, "I love to sing-a, about the moon-a and a June-a and a spring-a. I love to sing-a. About a sky of blue and a tea for two…"

There was another buzz and Cartman reverted back to normal.

"GOD DAMN IT, LEAVE ME ALONE, SCOTT BAIO!" he shouted up to the sky.

The Doctor sighed.

"There he goes again, yelling and screaming and possibly getting us killed," he said to Clara. "Will someone please shut him up before the aliens find out we're out here?"

"I'll do it," Kyle said.

He walked over to Cartman.

"Hey! The Doctor told you to shut up, Cartman."

"I'm not listening to Grandpa! When is he gonna give me my fucking time machine! I want my time machine, God damn it!" he yelled.

The Doctor gritted his teeth and stomped over to him while Clara and Kenny followed.

"Listen here, you better stop calling me old and Grandpa and stop using profanity before I put a gag around your mouth."

"You don't tell me what to do, motherfucker! I'm not listening to you any fucking more! Now give me my spaceship, you stupid fuck!"

"It's not your spaceship, you stupid fucker, it's mine!" the Doctor said, completely enraged. "Why don't you take your fat ass back to your house and go eat a fucking pie, you mouthy little fucker!"

He stopped short when he finally realized what he was saying and he turned to look at Clara who was now staring at him with openmouthed shock.

""Wow, Doctor, did that just come out of your mouth?" Clara said.

"I…I didn't mean that. He's pissing me off," the Doctor said, pointing to Cartman.

"I want my time machine now!"

"Well, you can't have a time machine, you podgy little fucker," the Doctor said to him. "The last thing I want is to go back and take care of your cock up since you obviously don't have the brains to do anything except swear. Now go and take your fucking fat ass back to where you came from and leave us alone!"

"Wow," Clara said, still stunned. "I never thought I'd see the day when you let vulgarities come out of your mouth, Doctor."

"So what if I did," the Doctor said to her. "I'm an adult, aren't I? I can fucking swear if I fucking want to."

"Yeah, well, you can stop your fucking swearing around me, Doctor," Clara said.

"Oho," the Doctor said to her. "Finally, the Boss grew some balls of her own. You talk like that to Danny then?"

"No, because I have more sense than you do," Clara said.

"Excuse me," Stan said, trying to get their attention when he noticed a ramp was lowering from the middle of the spaceship.

"And you don't have to stoop to their level," Clara added, pointing at the children.

"What if this is what everyone does on this planet, Clara?" the Doctor said to her. "What if swearing's the fucking norm around here. Shouldn't I just jump in balls first and be like everyone else?"

"Hey, guys!" Stan said, tugging at the Doctor's pantleg.

"Forget it, Kyle, the stupid Australian's probably deaf or something," Cartman said.

"Fuck you, you fucking minge box," the Doctor said, turning to him.

"Don't you call me…whatever you just called me, you fucking Austrailian!" Cartman yelled back.

"I'm not Australian, you stupid piece of shite. For one thing this is a Scottish accent and for another thing, I'm not even from Earth so you can shut your pie hole, Tubby!"



Everyone shut up when Stan bellowed at them and he finally got their attention as he pointed to the ramp that was now completely extended. The Doctor composed himself and said a quick apology to Clara before suggesting that they go and investigate.

"Wanker," he muttered to Cartman as he walked past him towards the ramp.

"You're gonna give me my God damn time machine, you stupid fucker," Cartman muttered under his breath while he followed everyone else to the ramp.

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