Chapter Five

It was another lazy day for Rose, Martha and Donna. They had just prevented a slime monster from kidnapping Eleanor of Aquitaine and carting her off to its home world for scientific experiments. Martha had nearly been devoured by the creature. It had left her shaken and the Doctor decided to take another break in order to let her recover. It had been three days since they had seen any action and Martha was feeling much better. The three of them were in the living room sitting on the couch watching the television when the Doctor strolled in, whistling. He sauntered up to Rose and thrust a flyer in her face. Rose took it and read it.










Rose looked up at the Doctor.

“And?” she said.

“And, this is where I want to go. Think of it, Rose. Banana splits as big as your body. Just thinking about it makes my mouth water.”

Martha reached over, plucked the flyer from Rose’s hand and she and Donna read it silently.

“Okay,” Rose said, “so, why aren’t you going there?”

“Weeeeeeeeell, I have a teensy, weensy, eensy, infinitesimal, it’ll clear up in a jiffy problem.”

Rose looked at the other two women. Martha and Donna groaned.

“Why do I suddenly get the feeling this is not going to be good?” Martha said.

“Oh, it’s nothing bad. I just need some money. See, I’m short on credits and I was just going to borrow a credit stick off ya. Sooooo, can you lend me one, Rose?”

“Uh, no.”

The Doctor stared at her.

“Why ever not?”

“Because I don’t have one.”

“Yes, you do. I gave you one.”

“Yeah, and then you took it back after I supposedly went berserk with it at that flea market on Gamma Rosa and brought a bunch of stuff.”

“Oh yeah, I did, didn’t I? Well, you did go berserk.”

“Doctor, I bought a few outfits and a couple of pairs of shoes.”

“Yeah, and I had to carry all of it. The weight of it made my delicate arms ache, not to mention the fact that I, The Oncoming Storm, was forced to endure the embarrassment of carting around women’s apparel in front of other people. I may be many things, Rose, but I am not a butler.”

“Whatever, Doctor, the point is I don’t have a credit stick anymore,” Rose said.

The Doctor looked at Martha and Donna.

“You two?”

“Nope,” Martha said.

“Not me,” Donna added.

The Doctor’s face fell.

“But, but, but…banana splits as big as your body,” he said, mournfully, “Where am I gonna get the credits to get one?”

“Here’s an idea. How about you go find the people who make those body builder adverts and offer to be the model for the ninety pound weakling,” Donna said.

The Doctor gave her a look of death, which Donna blissfully ignored. Muttering to himself about how he would find a way to get credits if it killed him, he turned and left the room.

Shortly thereafter, Rose fell asleep on the couch. She was dreaming about the Doctor in the throes of ecstasy as he gobbled down a gargantuan banana split when she suddenly felt something pressing against the sides of her face and her head being tilted upwards. She opened her eyes and saw the Doctor looking down at her with a scrutinizing look.

“Um, what are you doing?” she said to him.

“Assessing you.”

“Assessing me for what?”

“I’m determining how many credits you would fetch me in the slave auction on Quatarius Folsa.”

Rose’s eyes bugged out.

“Excuse me? You better not be thinking what I think you’re thinking.”

“What do you think I’m thinking?” the Doctor countered.

“I’m thinking the thought of eating this sodding banana split has put you over the edge and you’re actually thinking of selling me into slavery.”

“Oh, well, then you are thinking what I’m thinking then.”

He leaned in to her face.

“You have a pimple right in the middle of your forehead, Rose. I’m gonna have to get some astringent and take care of it. Don’t want a blackhead lowering your asking price.”

“Oh, get away from me,” Rose said, leaping up.

“What? I’m hungry for banana splits and you three are just sitting here with nothing to do. Why not sell you into servitude, get some credits and go get me some creamy, banana, whipped cream with cherry on top goodness?”

He looked at his other two companions. They immediately jumped up and stood beside Rose. The Doctor gave them an indignant look.

“Now wait just one moment. I am the one in charge here and I have a right to dispose of my companions as I see fit! You all agreed to assist me when you came on board and that means you must submit to being auctioned off like cattle if I so desire. I will not tolerate insubordination from my underlings.”

He sighed and walked around the sofa towards them.

“Now that that’s cleared up, about that pimple of yours, Tyler…”

“You come any closer to me and I’ll give you a banana split,” Rose said.

The Doctor beamed.

“You will?”

“Yeah, I’ll go get a knife and cut your penis off. How’s that for a banana split, mate?”

Martha and Donna giggled when the Doctor glanced down at his crotch.

“Wow, that would be painful alright. Still, it’s a risk I’m willing to take. So, off we go, it’s time to oil you three up so you’ll look good for the auction block.”

He giggled when the three girls readied themselves for a fight. He reached into his pocket and brought out a credit stick.

“Honestly, you three, can’t you take a joke?” he said, amused. “I had a credit stick all along; I was just having you on. I figured after what happened the other day, you guys could use a bit of enjoyment.”

The three women relaxed.

“Well, sometimes, it’s kinda hard to tell when you’re joking and when you’re not,” Martha said.

The Doctor started at her.

“You really think I would sell you guys into slavery for a banana split? Blimey, I guess from now on, I’ll have to preface every joke with a, this is a joke, don’t take it seriously disclaimer. Sheesh, you three need to lighten up a bit, seems like. The day I sell my girls into servitude is the day I stop being the defender of the universe.”

He gave them one of his million watt grins.

“But, anyway, I may have been kidding about the slave auction, but I was far from kidding about the banana splits. Sooooooo, how ‘bout it? You three up for banana splits as big as your bodies? My treat.”

The three women looked at each other and grinned.

“Yeah, actually, a banana split sounds good right about now,” Donna said.

“It does,” Martha added. “Except I don’t know if I can handle one as big as my body.”

“Eh, don’t worry, if you don’t finish, the Time Lord waste disposal unit will take care of the rest,” Rose said, hooking her thumb back at the Doctor.

She gasped when the Doctor seized her from behind.

“I’m a what now?” he said, as she giggled. “You know, I could change my mind about the slave auction. Only, I would put you in and bid on you myself and then when I won you, you would be my slave and have to do everything I say.”

“Yeah, and if you do that, then you better hide the knives because I can still carry out my banana split threat.”

The Doctor stared at her intently while Rose snickered.

“My, my, my look at all the pimples, Rose. Remind me to get some astringent after we get done with our banana splits. You represent me, after all, and I don’t want some pockmarked monstrosity being seen in public with yours truly.”

He jerked his head back when Rose tried to grab his hair. Letting go, he stuck his tongue out at them and hauled ass towards the living room door while the three women laughed hysterically and pursued him.

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