Chapter Eight

“So, anyway, there we were facing a bunch of two legged horse people who wanted to sacrifice us to their gods,” Rose said.

She, Martha and Donna were walking through the TARDIS corridors. Martha and Donna were listening while Rose recounted some of her adventures with the Doctor.

“So, we were tied hand and foot, yeah? And they were getting ready to chop us up and barbecue us in honor of the gods. And the Doctor was ranting and raving about how they couldn’t do that to two sentient beings and they should be ashamed of themselves and he wasn’t going to let them kill us without a fight and…”


The three women paused when they heard a whirring sound behind them. They turned and saw the Doctor was behind the wheel of a large golf cart with a white metal canopy. He drove up to them and stopped.

“Oi! Move it! I’m driving here!” he said, beeping the little horn.

The three women stared at the cart in shock and then slowly moved aside. The Doctor grinned at them and inched the cart up slightly until he was right beside them.

“So, what are three gorgeous women like you doing in a place like this?” he asked, casually leaning his arm on the steering wheel.

“We live here, you dunce,” Donna said.

“Do you now? Well, that’s very fascinating,” the Doctor said, looking around. “It looks very comfy and I’ve heard that the owner of this establishment is a fabulous bloke. One of the greatest people who has ever lived, if the rumors are to be believed.”

The three women looked at each other.

“Yeah, right,” Donna said. “So, anyway, you were saying, Rose?”

They started to walk away.

“Hey!” the Doctor said, following them. “Wait a moment, I’m trying to interest you three in a nice tour of the TARDIS!”

“We’ve seen the TARDIS,” Martha said.

“Not all of the TARDIS. I was going to show you parts of the TARDIS that you rarely see. How ‘bout it?”

The three women looked at each other and shrugged. Martha got into the back of the cart while Donna sat down beside the Doctor.

“Ahem, what do you think you’re doing?” the Doctor said to Donna.

Donna stared at him.

“I’m getting in the cart for this tour of yours. Why? Do I have to run behind it while you show us around?”

“No, but you are sitting in Rose’s seat.”

“I don’t see her name on it,” Donna said. “I wanna ride in the front, so deal with it!”

“Fine, then. Rose, come here, you can sit on Donna,” the Doctor said, pointing to Donna’s lap.

“Oi, she is not sitting on me. There is a seat in the back right beside Martha; it won’t kill her to sit there.”

“Yes, but it will kill me.”

Rose giggled when Donna gave him a dirty look.

“You can still see your sweetie if you turn your head around and look,” Donna said. “You aren’t gonna die if she doesn’t sit next to ya.”

The Doctor mumbled to himself as Rose climbed in the back. She ruffled his hair affectionately.

“I’m right here, my Doctor,” she cooed in his ear.

Martha giggled when the Doctor rubbed her cheek.

“My poor Rose, forced to sit in the back away from the warmth of my body. How will you cope without me holding your hand?” he said melodramatically.

“I don’t know, my Doctor, but I will try to endure the cold, dark back seat without you.”

“Oh puh-leeze,” Donna muttered as Rose and Martha bent over laughing. “Will you just get on with the tour before I vomit all over you?”

“Oh, if I must,” the Doctor sighed.

He whistled and the three women watched as the corridor widened until the Doctor was able to turn around.

“Thanks, TARDIS,” the Doctor said, cheerfully. “And now, on with the tour.”

The corridor went back to its normal size as the Doctor drove the cart down it. As he drove, he grabbed a CB microphone and spoke into it.

“Ladies and…ladies…welcome to the Doctor’s TARDIS tours.”

Donna flinched when his voice blared out of a speaker next to her head.

“Hey! We’re all in the cart with ya! There’s no need for the tannoy system!” she said, angrily.

“Of course there’s a need,” the Doctor said into the microphone. “I’m a tour guide and this is what tour guides do. So sit back, relax and enjoy the tour!”

“It’s a little hard to relax when your screechy voice is right in my ear,” Donna muttered.

“Well,” the Doctor said into the microphone. “Now you know what it feels like when you scream and screech in my ear. You wanted to ride in the front seat so badly, now you must live with the consequences!”

Rose and Martha giggled as Donna flipped him off.

“Now,” the Doctor said, turning the corner. “If you look off to your left, you will see a wall, but not just any wall. A wall of my fantastic, awe-inspiring TARDIS! Say hello to the TARDIS, everyone!”

“Hello!” Rose and Martha yelled out.

The Doctor looked at Donna.

“You didn’t say hello to my TARDIS,” he said.

“No, I don’t want to say hello. I see your TARDIS constantly, she knows I’m here.”

The Doctor stared at her for a moment and then put the microphone to his lips.

“And…if you look to my right, you’ll see the legendary Party Pooper Noble Bird. A fascinating creature with fabulous red plumage, this bird likes to sit around, mope and gripe and not join in any fun. I advise you to be careful photographing the Party Pooper because she just might screech at you.”

“Just drive, idiot!” Donna said, as Rose and Martha fell over laughing.

The Doctor turned a corner.

“And here we have yet another corridor of the TARDIS,” the Doctor said into the microphone.

“Whoop-di-doo, is this all the tour is? Because if it is, you can let me off now!” Donna said.

The Doctor slowed the cart down.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” she said, starting to climb out.

Suddenly, the wall beside them opened up, revealing a long passageway.

“You were saying, Donna?” the Doctor said.

Donna stared at the hidden corridor and then sat back in her seat. The Doctor cleared his throat and turned into the passageway.

“And now, never before seen by companion eyes, I give you the corridor of doom!” he said.

As he drove through the passageway, simulated lightning flashed around them and thunder crashed overhead.

“Everyone keep their arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times,” the Doctor said as they traveled down the dark corridor. “Who knows what evil we will find in here?”

Rose and Martha gasped when the wind suddenly picked up as the fake storm intensified.

“Rose, are you okay back there?” the Doctor said into the microphone.

“Yeah, I’m fine, Doctor.”

“You sure? You don’t need a little hand holdie right now?”

Rose grinned.

“Oh yes, I’m so scared, Doctor. Please hold my hand.”

She laughed when the Doctor sat the microphone on his lap and reached back. Rose took his hand and gave it a squeeze. Donna looked at Martha and shook her head.

“I don’t know how Romeo here managed to survive all that time without Juliet,” she said to her.

The Doctor let go and picked up the microphone.

“I survived by listening to a voice file of Rose that I had saved on my computer, eating heaps of banana splits and whiling away many a lonely hour cuddling with Rose’s favorite elephant plushie, Snuffy. That answer your question, Noble?”

“Yes, a little too well,” she said as the others laughed.

“Oh, so that’s where Snuffy went,” Rose said.

“Yes, Rose,” the Doctor said into the microphone. “Snuffy is currently in my sock drawer, safe and sound. He shall be returned to you upon completion of this tour.”

“Yay!” Rose said.

They turned a corner and the Doctor drove through the gates of a graveyard.

“Here we are in an incredibly realistic and spooky graveyard. If you look to your right, you will see an incredibly realistic and spooky fake vulture sitting in the tree. And if you look all around the dirt path, you will see incredibly realistic and spooky fake body parts. Yes, this is quite a spooky graveyard, isn’t it?”

“Wheeee,” Donna muttered.

“I see that the Party Pooper is not impressed, but how about the back seat, are you two impressed?”

“Yes!” Rose and Martha yelled.

“Well good, nice to know two thirds of the passengers are enjoying themselves.”

Suddenly, they were all startled by a high-pitched shriek that came out of nowhere.

“I’d like to take this opportunity to thank Donna Noble for the screech you just heard and for allowing me to tape it without her knowing. I believe her banshee-like howl was just perfect for my graveyard tableau.”

“You better erase that or you’ll be living in the graveyard from here on out!” Donna said.

The Doctor ignored her. He drove out of the graveyard and a door opened up in front of him. He drove through it and the women looked all around them at the portraits lining the walls of the corridors.

“On your left and right, you will see portraits of me down through the ages,” the Doctor said.

All of them stared at the portrait of his sixth incarnation.

“What the hell are you wearing? Were you on acid or something?” Donna said.

“No comments please. Just look,” the Doctor said as the girls giggled.

They got to the end of the corridor and the Doctor stopped the cart next to his portrait.

“If you look to your left, you will see a man who needs no introduction,” he gushed. “Because of course, that man is me. Marvelous, magnificent, number ten me. Aren’t I just too precious! Just look at me in my brown pinstriped suit. I am a vision, aren’t I? I…”

“What is that?” Rose said.

Donna and Martha looked at her and saw her pointing off to the right. They looked where she was pointing and noticed a huge portrait of her across from the Doctor. It was Botticelli’s Birth of Venus, except Rose had taken Venus’s place.

“Oh yeah, I forgot that was there,” the Doctor said into the microphone.

“What is that?” Rose demanded, pointing at the painting.

The Doctor lowered the microphone and cleared his throat.

“Well, you see, I was extremely lonely for you during your absence. Sooooo, after I first met Donna and before I met Martha, I traveled to Florence and met Botticelli. I ended up rescuing him from pygmy rat people who wanted to cart him off to their art starved planet and enslave him for all time. He was so grateful; he said he would give me any reward I wanted. So, I said, you know your Birth of Venus painting? Could you copy it for me with one teensy weensy difference? He agreed, I gave him a photo of you and voila, Botticelli’s Birth of Rose Tyler. A Botticelli that only I know about. Neat, huh?”

“Yeah, it’s just wonderful,” Rose said dryly.

“Mind you, I was going to go and nick your Fortuna statue that I sculpted and bring it back here to look at. But I figured the British Museum would frown on statue thievery, so I decided not to.”

“What? There’s a Rose statue in the British Museum?” Martha said.

“I’ll explain later,” Rose said to her.

The Doctor started the cart again.

“Of course, someday, I’ll also have a hall of companions,” the Doctor said as he drove. “I just haven’t gotten around to doing it yet.”

“But of course there was loads of time to have yourself painted,” Martha said.

“Yup!” the Doctor said happily. “Big investment in time and money, but completely worth it. Someday, I might even auction off the collection at Sotheby’s and see what I can get. Course that’ll probably be on my last life, so the lucky bidder will have the entire set of me. And with luck, my thirteenth life will be a long ways off. But, anyway, back to the tour.”

“Oh God, here we go with the speaker again,” Donna muttered.

“That’s right, Donna,” the Doctor said into the microphone. “This is payback for stealing Rose’s rightful place in the cart. You wanted to be next to me; well you got me up close and personal. Enjoy!”

“Um, if I were you, Donna, I’d never sit in the front seat again,” Rose said.

“Believe me, from now on, I’m sitting as far away as I possibly can from him!” she replied.

The Doctor turned a corner.

“And now, up ahead…”

He trailed off when he saw a big wooden door with a Rose etched onto it.

“And that concludes the tour,” he said, backing the cart up. “I hope all of you enjoyed…”

“Wait,” Martha said. “What’s behind that door?”

“Nothing, nothing at all in that room.”

“Yeah, but there’s a big rose on the door,” Martha protested. “What’s in there?”

“Nothing, nothing whatsoever! This concludes the tour. I hope you enjoyed it and thanks for being such good sports and…”

He trailed off when the cart suddenly stopped and lurched forward towards the door. The Doctor frantically tried to throw it in reverse and let out an angry yell when he realized the controls were locked.

“TARDIS, let go of the controls!” he yelled at the ceiling as the cart rumbled towards the door.

The TARDIS ignored him and opened up the door. The Doctor whipped out his sonic screwdriver and tried to regain control of the cart while the three women leaned forward in anticipation. They giggled at the Doctor’s stream of curses as the cart went right inside. Once inside, the lights clicked on and they looked around the room. In every possible nook and cranny were portraits, drawings and sculptures of Rose. There was even a stuffed Beanie Baby bear that had shoulder length blonde hair and a little pink shirt and denim dungarees. They all looked at the Doctor and noticed that he was now as red as a rose.

“So, what’s this? The Rose Tyler stalker room?” Donna asked.

“Um…I’ve never seen this room before in my life,” the Doctor said sheepishly.

Just then, a piece of paper wafted through the cart and landed on Rose’s lap. Rose picked it up.

“To my Rose, by the Doctor,” she read aloud.

“Give me that!” the Doctor said, trying to seize it out of her hands.

Rose hopped out of the cart, walked behind it out of arms reach and leaned forward. She cleared her throat and read aloud.

“My Rose is such a beautiful flower. I can gaze upon her, hour after hour. Her hair is yellow as the sun. I love to be with her and have lots of fun. Her skin is silky and creamy white. Her hand fits in my hand, oh so right. Although there’s been pain and lots of strife, I thank the heavens the day she walked into my life. She’s my inspiration, my hope, my joy and let’s face it, I’m her…”

She trailed off and put her hand over her mouth as she howled with laughter.

“What? What’s it say?” Martha said.

“It says nothing!” the Doctor retorted. “Rose, don’t you dare say the last three words aloud!”

Rose smirked at him.

“What’ll you give me?”

“I’ll allow you to live, that’s what I’ll give you!” the Doctor said. “Now, put the piece of paper down and let’s get going.”

“Sod him, Rose! What’s it say?” Donna said.

Rose stuck her tongue between her teeth and waved the piece of paper in front of her.

“I’m warning you, Rose. Don’t…say…the last three words!”

Rose considered that for a moment and then let out a sigh.

“Oh, alright, you win. I’ll put the poem down,” she said.

The Doctor breathed out a sigh of relief.

“Thank you,” he said.

Rose gave him an evil grin.

“You’re welcome…my little boy toy!”

“Damn it, Rose!” the Doctor bellowed as Donna and Martha roared with laughter.

Rose sprinted off laughing at the top of her lungs as the Doctor leapt from his seat and gave chase.

“I swear to God, Rose. You are gonna pay for that!” he bellowed as he went out the door.

Martha and Donna sat in their seats and listened to Rose’s laughter and the Doctor’s loud bilingual cursing.

“So,” Martha said to Donna, “I guess the tour has ended, yeah?”

“Yup, looks like it. I guess we’re down one companion now. I s’pose once the Doctor gets through killing her, he’ll have her bronzed and add her to the collection here.”

Martha looked out the door.

“You think the Doctor’s gonna come back?”

“I hope not.”

Martha looked at Donna.

“Why not?”

Donna grinned as she pointed to a pile of papers in the corner off to her left.

“I think I see more of Shelley’s sappy poetry. Care to join me and find out what else he’s written about Rose?”

Martha grinned.


Giggling, the two girls got out, ran over, grabbed a stack of poems and letters and settled down to read while they waited for the Doctor to finish annihilating Rose.

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