Chapter Fourteen

“Rose, Martha, Donna?” the Doctor said, walking down the corridor. “Are you guys around here? I just had a fabulous idea and I want your opinions on it.”

He stopped when he heard an earth shattering howl coming from the den.

“Blimey, I didn’t even say what the idea was yet,” he muttered.

He entered the back door to the den and noticed that The Princess Bride was playing on the television while Rose, Martha and Donna sat on the sofa watching it.

“Oh God, I hate when he dies. It’s so sad,” Rose said, glancing at Martha and Donna.

They nodded and the Doctor saw them put some popcorn in their mouths. He put his hands in his pockets and stood behind them while they talked quietly to each other about the movie.

Fezzik and Inigo stood beside the wooden table and stared down at Wesley’s body.

“The Montoya's have never taken defeat easily. Come Fezzik, bring the body.”

“The body?”

“Have you any money?”

“I have a little.”

“I just hope it's enough to buy a miracle, that's all.”

“Now see, we’d never have this problem,” Martha said to her friends, “because the Doctor would have regenerated and gotten back up.”

“Yes, which means unlike them, we wouldn’t have to drag his body around the forest looking for some old geezer in a tree,” Donna added, “or whatever Miracle Max lives in.”

“Yes, but knowing our luck, the Doctor’s regeneration would screw up or he wouldn’t regenerate and we’d have to carry his dead carcass anyway,” Martha said.

The Doctor raised his eyebrow, but said nothing. Donna giggled.

“Yeah and of course, if it were like the movie, Rose would be locked in some castle somewhere, which means we’d be doing all the work.”

“Isn’t that always the way, anyway?” Martha said. “It seems like all of us end up doing the bulk of the work because the Doctor gets trapped in some pit or dungeon and has to have his loyal companions come bail him out.”

The Doctor folded his arms over his chest while he gave Martha a dirty look.

“Where's that bellows cramp. He probably owes you money, huh? Well, I'll ask him.”

They watched as he put the end of the bellows into Wesley’s mouth.

“He's dead. He can't talk.”

“Ooooohhh! Look who knows so much, eh! It just so happens that your friend here is only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead.”

“So, is that what regeneration is?” Donna said. “Mostly dead, but slightly alive?”

The Doctor rolled his eyes when the three of them giggled.

“Hey! Hello in there! Hey! What's so important? Whatcha got here, that's worth living for?”

Max pushed on his chest.

“Rooooooooose’s….Raaaaaaaaack!” Martha groaned.

The three of them snorted out laughter.

“Yes, and that’s exactly what he would say too,” Donna said. “Wouldn’t be saying, true love, it’d be something dirty and obscene about Rose.”

“Now, come on, I think he would say true love,” Rose said.

“No, I like what I said better,” Martha said.

They laughed.

“Liar!! Liar!! Liarrrrrrr!”

And if the Doctor were in here watching this, he would now be making a joke about your mum,” Martha said to Rose.

“Yes, I would,” the Doctor muttered under his breath.

Donna looked at Martha.

“So, if this were real life, me and you would be standing there in the middle of the woods in Grandpa Elf’s house trying to get a piece of chocolate, so the Doctor could wake up and save Rose who is about to marry someone with an obscene sounding name.”

“And unlike Buttercup, I wouldn’t just sit there in a room going, woe is me, where’s the Doctor? I would have worked out a way to escape and kicked Humperdinck’s ugly butt on top of it.”

“But, then you would be deprived of the Doctor commenting on your perfect breasts,” Donna said.

Rose snorted.

“Sorry, but I’d be out of the castle waaaaay before then. I wouldn’t have stood there at the wedding going; my Doctor will come for me. I would have kneed the bastard in the balls and ran from the room.”

The Doctor slammed his hand over his mouth to keep the laughter in.

“Bye bye, boys!”

“Have fun storming the castle!”

“Think it will work?”

“It would take a miracle.”


Rose giggled.

“I can just see Jack and Ianto saying that bit,” she said.

They giggled and grabbed more popcorn.

“Now see,” Donna said, pointing at the screen. “That’s exactly what would happen if this were me and Martha. The two of us are dragging the Doctor along because he was stupid enough to get himself captured and killed.”

The Doctor glared at her.

“I'll beat you both apart! I'll take you both together!”

“Yeah,” Martha said, “and that right there would be the beginning of the Doctor saying, I can do this all on my own. I don’t need you two to help me, how dare you wake me up before my brilliant brain figured out a way to revive myself.”

“So, kill me again right now, so I can handle it, that’s an order!” Rose said in a deep voice.

They laughed.

“Why won’t my arms move?” Rose added in the deep voice. “Why won’t my body work? What have you two done to me? Honestly, I can’t find good help nowadays!”

The Doctor rolled his eyes when they howled with laughter.

“And our assets?”

“Your brains, Fezzik's strength, my steel.”

“That's it? Impossible. If I had a month to plan, maybe I could come up with something. But this...”

“Hold on!” Donna said in the deep voice. “I just remembered I have a small toy mouse in my pocket. We can use that!”

They laughed.

“You did notice though that he said your brains and not MY brains. Now, that bit really is fantasy!” Martha said.

“No, with him, it’s my brains, my strength and my screwdriver and toy mouse. You lot just carry me to the battlefield, prop me up and be my human shields,” Donna replied.

“Except,” Rose said, “it would all be a waste of time because I would have been out of the castle and waiting for you guys. You come up to the castle; I would have been sitting there saying, what took you so long? Then, of course, I’d want to know why he’s dead.”

“And then we’d say, remember that big, howling, sissy scream you heard earlier?” Donna said.

They laughed while the Doctor shook his head.

“Which is another thing the Doctor wouldn’t do. He wouldn’t howl like that. He’d be going, THAT ALL YOU GOT? GIVE ME MORE! I CAN WITHSTAND ANYTHING!” Martha said. “COME ON, YA PANSIES, TURN UP THE SUCTION, SO I CAN ACTUALLY FEEL IT! And then, he’d let out this big, long maniacal laugh and suddenly keel over.”

“And then,” Donna said. “He’d wake up and say, see…told you I could withstand it.”

“I do not marry tonight. My Wesley will save me.”

Gee, Rose, sure you wouldn’t stay in the palace, just so you can say stuff like that to Hump-a-dick?” Donna said.

“Yeah and go through the mawwiage, so you can say more stuff like that to him?” Martha added.

“Hmmm, it’s tempting. Plus, straddling the Doctor on the bed and hearing him go, GENTLEEEEEE!”

They bent over laughing.

“Oh yes, here it is, the wedding scene,” Martha said.

They looked at each other and said in unison…

“Mawwiage. Mawwiage is what bwings us togethaw today. Mawwiage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam within a dweam.”

The Doctor bit his lip to keep from laughing.

“Okay,” Martha said to Donna after they got through laughing. “Who is who here? Which one of us gets to wear the cloak and be set alight?”

“Knowing my luck, it’d be me,” Donna said. “After all, everything’s probably based on seniority in the TARDIS and I’m the lowest on the totem pole, so I suppose I’d be standing in the wheelbarrow being a human bonfire while you two pushed me.”

“No, I’d be the one doing the pushing. The Doctor would be slumped up against me giving orders. That would be his job. As highest on the totem pole, he would be the mouthy, dictatorial dead weight, I would be doing the grunt work, you’d be the human barbecue scary ghoul person and Rose would be the damsel in distress with the perfect breasts that must never be damaged.”

They snorted out laughter.

“Your Wesley is dead. I killed him myself.”

“Then why is there fear behind your eyes?”

Okay, now that is something you would say, Rose,” Martha said. “Only you’d add, ha ha my Doctor’s coming to get you, nyah, nyah, nyahnyah, nyah!”

“And then, I’d do a little victory dance around him or something,” Rose replied.

“Grab some pom-poms, do a little cheer,” Donna added.

They giggled.

“Give me a D!” Rose said, throwing her arms up in the air.

The Doctor once again had to fight to keep from laughing.

“Actually, I’m sure the Doctor would prefer to rescue you in a skimpy cheerleader’s outfit rather than that big long dress Buttercup has on,” Donna replied.

“Or nothing at all,” Martha added.

“Yeah, nothing at all. That way he can see the perfect breasts better,” Donna said.

They ate some popcorn.

“Oh yeah,” Donna said through a mouthful of popcorn, “definitely, right here, this is something we’d end up doing. Dragging the Doctor down the hall while he just barely makes an effort to move.”

“And of course, being lowest on the totem pole, you’re the one carrying him,” Martha added.

“Yes, and knowing the little git, he’d be able to walk, but he’d make it harder on me just because he feels like being a lazy arse.”

“Mm-hmm,” the Doctor said, quietly.

“But, then again, if Rose was in mortal danger. I’m sure he wouldn’t want to do anything that might put her in even more jeopardy,” Martha said.

The Doctor’s mouth dropped open when Rose let out a humongous snort.

“No offense, Martha, but are we talking about the same Doctor right now?” she said as they giggled. “Cause if you think that, then let me tell you about the time I almost got my head cut off because he was busy partying with the French! And like I said before, her walking with the old guy back towards the room? Well, screw that. I’d push the geezer down and run. I wouldn’t walk along with him going; the Doctor didn’t come for me. I’d be going and finding him! And I wouldn’t be saying, I must go and commit suicide because he didn’t come. I’m sorry, but after traveling with the Doctor, I keep thinking about how much of a wimp Buttercup really is. The woman is completely useless. Just sits there or stands there and lets things happen to her. When Wesley was fighting the R.O.U.S, she just stood there gawping at him and didn’t lift a finger to help. I mean, it must be true love because a man like the Doctor would have left her in the Lightning Sand.”

The Doctor smiled proudly at her.

“Oh, here we go, the breasts comment,” Donna said, pointing.

They smiled at each other and chanted…

“There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. T’would be a pity to damage yours.”

They giggled when Buttercup climbed on top and began to kiss him.

“Now, that is something I would do to him,” Rose said.

They grinned at each other and said in unison…


They fell over laughing while the Doctor grinned and rolled his eyes.

“And now, while Inigo is fighting the count, there would be this whole snog session going on up above,” Donna said.

“And I suppose, it would be me doing this whole pulling the knife out of the belly and fighting the count thing since you’re the other guy?” Martha said to Donna.

Donna snorted.

“Yeah, because you’re off fighting the count and rose is up snogging the Doctor, that leaves me to go out to the stable and find transportation. Because, being the lowest on the totem pole, I’m the official Doctor carrier and horse wrangler.”

“Yup, you are, Donna Noble,” the Doctor said under his breath.

“Ah, and now we’re back to the Doctor/Rose make out session.”

Rose giggled.

“Yeah and in the Doctor’s eyes, getting married would be a humongous sin. Please forgive me, Doctor. Why, what have you done? I got married. UGH, GET AWAY FROM ME THEN, YOU REEK OF DOMESTICITY! I DON’T WANT YOUR DOMESTIC COOTIES ALL OVER MY NON-DOMESTIC BODY! GET OFF ME!”

They howled with laughter.

“And this whole fake out thing where the count is standing there and he knows it, but he doesn’t let on. That’s very Doctor,” Rose said as the other two nodded.

“What about the whole to the pain thing?” Martha said. “I can see him threatening it, but would he ever do it?”

Rose and Donna looked at each other.

“I don’t know. I wouldn’t put anything past the guy,” Donna said.

The Doctor stared at her in shock.

“I hope he wouldn’t do it, but you never know with him,” Rose added.

The Doctor stared at her.

“I mean, his last life, he was all gung-ho about killing a dalek even after it had given up and he killed the leader of the Sycorax without a second thought. But, being that sadistic to someone and leaving them crippled…I don’t think he’d go that far.”

“Not even if someone had hurt or crippled you?” Donna asked.

Rose thought.

“I don’t know. I really don’t. I’ve seen the Doctor do a lot of things, so I really don’t know what he would do if I were crippled or even died. It scares me to think he might go berserk and be cruel to someone like that.”

“Maybe we should move on then and forget about it,” Martha said.

The other two women nodded.

“I saw the prince's stable, and there they were, four white horses.”

“I had to wade through piles of horse shite and got kicked in the stomach several times, but here they are!” Donna said.

They laughed.

“And the Doctor would never let Rose go first. He’d be going, OUTTA MY WAY and jump before we could stop him,” Martha said.

“Yeah, and then he’d land right on me and I’d be dead and he’d go, oh, did I kill you, I’m so sorry, my bad.”

“But being dead is no excuse!” Rose said in a gruff voice. “Get up and get on your horse, so you’ll be around the next time I need carrying.”

Martha laughed.

“Hey, Martha, you wanna be a pirate? And I’d go, arrr, arrr, ARRR! And then he’d say, no, don’t, don’t do that,” she said.

They laughed.

“They rode to freedom. As dawn arose, Wesley and Buttercup knew they were safe. A wave of love swept over them. And as they reached for each other...”

“Martha and I reached for the vomit buckets and we spewed and spewed….”

All of them bent over laughing as the Doctor grinned at them.

“Naah, it's kissing again. You don't want to hear that.”

“Too right I don’t wanna hear it, Gramps. The last thing I want is to see the Doctor and Rose sucking on each other like two Hoovers.” Donna said.

They laughed. When the movie finished, they let out contented sighs.

“Love this movie so much,” Rose said.

“Yup, me too. One of my favorites,” Martha said.

“Too bad alien boy wasn’t in here to share it,” Donna said.


They all screamed when the Doctor slammed his hands down on the back of the couch. He grinned at them.

“I was in here, actually. I had a great idea and I wanted to share it with you, but you were watching the movie and making fun of me, so I decided to just stand back here and listen. That way I know how the three of you reeeeeeeeeally feel about me.”

“Doctor, we were just joking,” Rose said. “You know we didn’t really mean any of it.”

“Of course I know it…my perfect breasts with a body attached. After all, that’s how I see you, right? Breasts with legs that must never be damaged?”

He looked at Donna.

“And just for the record…yes, you are in charge of carrying me and finding horses. That is your sole function. Well…that and being a human bonfire while I…how was it put…am dead weight on Martha?”

He grinned at Rose.

“And yes, Rose dear, Miracle Max’s wife is your mum. Hate to say it, but that’s exactly how Jackie acts. And believe me, it took all I had not to speak up right then and say something. But, anyway, movie time’s over, now it’s pay attention to me time.”

Donna looked at him and looked at the others.

“You got Little Shop of Horrors, right?” she said to Martha. “Let’s put it in and…”

She gasped when the Doctor grabbed a hold of her hair and leaned over into her face.

“What did I just say?” he said, sweetly.

“That it’s time to pay attention to you?” Donna replied.

“Mm-hmmm, which means it’s not time to pop in another DVD.”

“Yes, but what if we don’t care about this idea of yours?” she said.

“Then, you will sit quietly and listen since you are the lowest person on the TARDIS totem pole and have no real rights to speak of.”

She flipped him off when he let go of her hair and leaned back up.

“Besides, my idea is lots more fun than a silly, mind-numbing movie,” he said to them.

“And that idea is…” Martha said.

He beamed.

“I propose we go get Jack, Gwen and Ianto and have ourselves a 1980’s dance party. What do you say? All in favor raise their hands, except for Donna the temp; she has no vote yet until she takes a bullet in the chest for me.”

He snickered when Donna slapped the back of his head.

“Anyway, all in favor say, aye!”

They looked at each other and smiled.

“Aye!” they all said in unison.

“Brilliant! Then, let’s go get things set up and go get Jack and company for a night of feasting and partying!”

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