Chapter Seventeen

Rose, Martha and Donna sat side by side on the sofa watching television. It was another slow day, so the Doctor decided to make some repairs on the console while they rested.

“I’m hungry,” Donna said.

“Yeah, so am I,” Rose replied, nodding.

“Wonder if there’s anything to eat in the kitchen?” Donna asked.

Rose made a face.

“Nah, I don’t want something from the kitchen. I feel like pizza or something. Maybe we can go up the console room and ask the Doctor to go somewhere where we can get some?”

“Do you wanna do that? Because I don’t want miss what’s going on,” Donna said. “Normally, I am willing to go and do something during a program, but not during Eastenders.”

“Well, I’m the same way. I don’t wanna miss a moment either,” Rose said.

“What about you, Martha?” Donna asked.

“Nope, not till the show’s over.”

“Yeah, but I’m hungry now,” Donna said. “I wish there was some way we could tell the Doctor to go get us pizza without moving.”

“We could yell,” Rose said.

Martha suddenly got an idea and an evil grin spread over his face.

“Leave it to me, girls. I know just what to do,” she said.

The Doctor lay underneath the console, cheerfully whistling as he fixed a few loose wires. As he worked, he suddenly heard a mobile ringing. Frowning, he lowered his sonic screwdriver.

“What the hell?” he muttered.

He slid out from under the console, stood up and stared at the compartment that housed Martha’s mobile. He stared at the hole in complete confusion.

“Wait a minute, why is that ringing? Martha’s on board,” he muttered.

He thought for a moment and then groaned.

“Oh God, she gave Jack the number,” he said. “Well, if she did, this better be important. I don’t have time to put up with Jack’s lewd comments.”

He walked over, hit the button and grabbed the mobile when it popped out. Opening it up, he hit the talk button.

“Yes?” he said.

His eyes widened when he heard a bunch of giggles and some shushing coming from the other end.

“Hello?” he said.

He heard someone clear their throat.

“Yes,” Martha said as Rose and Donna giggled in the background. “Good day, driver, my companions and I are famished and we would like two large meat lovers pizzas. If you would be so kind as to steer the ship towards the nearest pizza establishment and get us what we crave, we would be most grateful.”

“And tell him to get some sodas too,” he heard Rose saying.

“Yes, and get sodas and breadsticks with garlic butter. Now go, sally forth, and get your loyal assistants some grub.”

The Doctor rolled his eyes when he heard all of them giggle hysterically.

“I’m so sorry, the driver is detained at the moment because he is repairing the ship lest it break down and strand us in the middle of the vortex for all eternity. I regret that I cannot obey your order and go fetch like some kind of hunting dog; perhaps you could go to the kitchen and look through my well-stocked pantry for something to ease your hunger pangs. Good day and thank you for flying TARDIS airlines.”

He hung up the phone, dropped it on the console and walked back to where he had been lying. Just as he reached it and crouched down, the mobile rang again. He glared at it and with a sigh, stood up and answered it.

“Yes?” he said, testily.

His eyes widened when he heard heavy breathing coming from the other end.

“Hello there,” Rose said in a husky voice. “What are you doing?”

The Doctor sighed.

“I am repairing the console, Rose.”

“Oooo, what are you wearing while you repair the console?” she purred.

“I’m wearing my usual all-purpose brown pin striped suit.”

“Mmmm, and what color is your underwear under the pin striped suit?”

“Rose, go find something to do and leave me alone!”

He hung up the phone, dropped it on the console and shook his head when he heard hysterical laughter coming from somewhere in the back. Grumbling, he sat down and slid back under the console. As he picked up his sonic screwdriver, he heard the mobile ring again. Rolling his eyes, he ignored it while he worked on the wires. He gritted his teeth when the mobile continued to ring.

“QUIT IT!” he screamed at the top of his lungs.

He breathed a sigh of relief when the ringing stopped.

“Those three need to get a bloody hobby of some kind,” he muttered to himself.

As he worked, his blood pressure slowly dropped and he was soon back to his cheerful warbling. Then, suddenly, he noticed three pairs of legs standing by the console.

“I am not getting up to get you pizza right now, so don’t bother asking,” he said as he concentrated on the wires.

He sighed when the three women slid under the console beside him.


“We’re just coming in here to keep you company,” Rose said.

“Yeah, Eastenders is over with and we wanna see what’s going on out here,” Martha added.

“I’m working on the console; does that satisfy your curiosity?”

“Why? Is it gonna explode?” Rose asked.

“No, it just needs a bit of tweaking.”

“And you can’t let up on the tweaking for five minutes to go get us a pizza?” Donna said.

“No. I want this done and done now, so I’m not working on it all bloody night. Now, can you guys let me finish my work in peace, please?”

“Fine, we’ll talk amongst ourselves then,” Martha said.

“Then can you talk somewhere…”

“So, anyway,” Martha said to Donna. “You were saying about you and Nerris?”

“Well, I rung Nerris and she wanted to go to the cinema with me and I said I couldn’t because I was traveling,” Donna said as the Doctor let out a sigh. “And she said, traveling? With who, your grandad? And I said, no, no, a man. And she said, oh really, what does he look like? And I said, well, he’s tall and skinny with beady eyes that bore into ya and give ya the creeps.”

The Doctor eyed her, but Donna ignored him.

“So, then she says, well, are you dating him? And I said, don’t be daft, I’m not dating him, we already did that. I’m married to him now.”

Martha and Rose fought to keep from laughing when the Doctor’s eyes nearly popped from his head.

“And, she said, you’re married? And I said, yes, but it’s not your typical marriage because I’m really the third of three wives. He’s Mormon, you know. And it’s kinda awkward because I have to share him with two other women, but we managed to work it out. His principle wife, Rose, gets him on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. His second wife, Martha, gets him on Tuesdays and Thursdays and I get him on the weekend, so it works out.”

“You better not have been telling people this, Donna Noble,” the Doctor growled.

Donna ignored him.

“And she said, well, what’s your husband’s name and I said, I don’t know. And she said, you don’t know and I said, yeah, well he calls himself the Doctor, but you know, Doctor’s not a proper name, for all I know, he was called Skippy at birth and he’s trying to hide it.”

Rose and Martha bit their lips when the Doctor gave Donna a look at death.

“And she said, well, if I were you, I’d beware of a man like that and I said, really, why? And then she said, well, if he’s hiding his name, he could be on the run from the law, you know, like a serial killer or something. For all you know, he seduced you and convinced you to marry him, so he can kill you and collect the insurance money and I said, you know, you could be right, I mean the man does have a huge ship and there is a laboratory on board. I bet he lures women in and when their guard is down, he snatches them, takes them to his lab, slits them open and pulls out their guts as they die.”

“Yes, Donna, that’s the reason I asked all of you to travel with me, so I could perform vivisections when you least expect it.”

“And I said to Nerris, you ever see that movie Hannibal where Hannibal cuts open the guy’s head, cooks his brains and feeds it to him? I said, what if that’s what the Doctor wants to do to us? What if one night we go to bed and when we wake up, we’re strapped to a chair with a plate of gray stuff in front of us and the Doctor feeds it to us while we lose all our memories and become a complete vegetable?”

“Excuse me,” the Doctor said as the three women laughed. “But, is there a point to this idiotic ramble of yours? Because if there isn’t, I want you three to leave me alone, so I can get this repair job done.”

“I’m just saying, you never tell us your name, so how do we know you aren’t Freddy Krueger in disguise?” Donna said.

“Believe me, if I am, you’ll be the first one I come after,” the Doctor replied. “Now could you please let me finish this and I promise once I’m done, I will get all of us pizza.”

Donna and Martha considered that and nodded.

“Okay, but we’re holding you to that,” Donna said.

“Trust me, after all this I would be a fool not to get you pizza. Now please leave me alone.”

Donna and Martha slid out from under the console and walked out of the room. The Doctor eyed Rose who was still lying beside him.

“I believe when I said leave me alone that meant you too,” he said.

“You never answered my question.”

“What question?”

“What color is your underwear?”

The Doctor sighed.

“Rose, I have no time for this.”

“I just wanna know,” she said softly as she scooted closer to him. “Come on, Donna and Martha are gone now, you can tell me.”


“Please,” Rose said, giving him the look.

The Doctor stared at her. He knew he should resist the look. He tried very hard to resist. He tried with all his might, but it was no use. He sighed.

“White boxers,” he mumbled.

“Thank you, that helps me in so many ways.”

“Helps you with what?”

“Imagining you,” she said with a wink.

The Doctor raised his eyebrow when she gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“And now, I’ll leave you to your work, just remember to get us that pizza when you’re done,” she purred.

The Doctor watched as she slid out from under the console and walked off.

“Imagining? Why would she want to imagine my boxers?” he muttered.

He shook his head.

“Human females are a strange species. Seven hundred years of dealing with them and I still haven’t figure them out.”

He mentally shrugged and turned his attention back to the task at hand.

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