Chapter Twenty Three

"What did you do to them?" the Doctor demanded, backing away from the Master and the gigantic bulge in his trousers.

"I put them…somewhere. Who cares? Let's do a bit of the mattress mambo, you and me," he said, purring as he followed the Doctor around the room.

The Doctor hesitated a moment, pretending to acquiesce before he suddenly shoved the Master out of the way, zoomed to the door and opened it.

"Oo, a chase! I love a chase!" the Master said while he ran out of the room in pursuit of his prey.


"Okay, where are we now?" Martha said when the light faded and they found themselves inside a large cave that was being lit from huge glow orbs affixed to the sides of the walls.

"I'm guessing…as far away from Horny Master and Tart Doctor as we can possibly get," Donna said.

Rose heard the sound of a rock dropping to the ground and turned her attention to a cavern off to their right. Her eyes widened when a twenty foot tarantula appeared at the opening, its mandibles moving back and forth while its many eyes fixed on the fresh meat that it suddenly found in its lair.

"Um…I think we should run now!" Rose said before the three of them ran into an opening off to the left.


The Doctor paused to catch his breath when he ran around a corner and ducked into a supply cupboard. He found it was hard to run with the added weight of the knockers on his chest and he wondered how big breasted women functioned with two melons on the front of them. He knew sooner or later he would have to confront the Master so he could get his companions back. He had no idea where they were and he was afraid that his adversary had sent them into outer space or into a fiery pit and let them die.

"Yoo-hoo, Sweetikins, where aaare yoooou?" he heard the Master say as he passed by the door.

The Doctor looked around and found a spanner in a tin box. He picked it up and went towards the door, opening it and peeking out. The Master was at the end of the corridor, searching for him.

"Eeeee," the Doctor said.

The Master spun around and grinned.

"There you are, my muffin," he said, walking towards the Doctor. "I was worried you ran out the door. But no, you'd rather stick around and hope I'll change you back, eh? Well, after I get through with you, you won't mind being a woman so much. Now come outside and let me grope you."

The Doctor waited until he was almost to the door. Then suddenly, he leapt out and brought the spanner down on top of the Master's head. The Master's face registered shock for half a second before his eyes rolled up inside his head and he collapsed to the floor.


"DOCTOR! HELP US, DAMN IT!" Donna screamed at she and her friends ran away from the spider.

They were trying to find the entrance to the cave but all they found were passageways and vast stone rooms. Now they were hopelessly lost with a huge spider relentlessly pursuing them.

"We need to fight before we end up as dinner," Rose said.

"You first, Tyler," Donna said over her shoulder while she ran.

Rose saw a couple of chunks of stone that had fallen from the cave sometime in the past. She stopped and picked one up. Martha stopped and called to Donna who was still running. Martha watched Rose make a stand before she ran to her side and picked up another stone.

"I'm sorry to ruin your plans, ladies, but I doubt that will stop a huge flippin' spider," Donna said to them.

She walked over and grabbed another stone, determined to make a stand with her friends, despite what she said earlier. The three of them stood together, stones at the ready while the watched the spider come closer to them.


The Master groaned and opened his eyes. The first thing he saw was the Doctor standing by his side. The second thing he saw was the chair and he realized the Doctor had strapped him into the same chair.

"Hello…love," the Doctor said.

"What are you going to do to me?" the Master said, looking at the straps holding his arms down.

"I'm going to spare your life if you change me back and bring my companions back to me. Otherwise, I'm going to take a scalpel and emasculate you in a different and more painful way than the emasculation I suffered."

"You don't have the guts…"

He trailed off with the Doctor held up a gleaming silver scalpel. His eyes bulged when the Doctor casually undid the snap on the Master's trousers and pulled down the zipper before stopping and giving him a pointed look.

"Change me back and bring my friends back to me or say goodbye to your John Thomas," he said.

The Master glared at him silently. The Doctor shrugged and the Master's eyes widened when he started jerking his trousers down with one hand.

"No! Don't! I'll change you back and bring back your friends," he said. "Just don't cut off my penis!"

The Doctor grinned and cut a small slit in the Master's underpants.

"I said I'd help!" the Master yelled.

"Just making sure you know I mean business, my muffin," the Doctor said. "Now…tell me how to bring back my friends before I do more than put a slit in your smalls."


Rose cursed when she and her friends threw the stone and it made no effect on the spider. And now the spider was closer than it'd been before and they knew it would only be a matter of time before it caught up to them even if they did run. They backed up but the spider was sizing them up and Rose figured after their assault it wouldn't let them get away. The spider was moments from leaping onto them and the three women said their goodbyes to one another. Then suddenly, there was another flash of light and the spider scuttled away from it in a panic back into the deep recesses of the cave.


"Damn it, I'm tired of you waiting till the last minute!" Donna said as the three women ran over to the Doctor.

"It wasn't my fault, I had to convince the Master to surrender and tell me how to reverse it," the Doctor protested as he pointed to his foe.

"So what happens now?" Martha said.

"Now he's going to change me back!" the Doctor said.

"But…I like you this way," Rose said.

The Doctor was shocked.

"You do?" he said.

"Yeah. Finally, we have another woman we can gossip with," Rose said, giving Martha and Donna a gleeful look.

"Yes and we can go shopping with ya," Donna said.

"And share makeup tips and do each other's hair up," Martha added.

"And so much hair," Rose said, walking around behind the Doctor and taking hold of her hair. "I can't wait to plait it and put bows in it!"

"And maybe we can take some hairspray and tease it up!" Martha said.

"And dye it different colors," Donna said. "Make it every color of the rainbow!"

"Okay, how do I change back?" the Doctor said to the Master. "And you better tell me before I change you into a girl and leave you to the mercy of my makeup wearing, plait making, gossip spewing companions!"


"Thank God!" the Doctor said, slumping onto the jump seat in his TARDIS.

He ended up making a bargain with the Master. Letting him go if the Master would tell him how to change back. But he did use the knowledge of the teleporter to send the Master into the spider cave after learning how to become a man again. Now that he was a man again, he wanted to have a rest and recover from having huge tits and long, Rapunzel hair. He closed his eyes and folded his hands in his lap while he meditated.

He sensed someone was coming towards him and he opened his eye. He opened both eyes when he saw Rose coming towards him with a powder blue clip on bow in her hand.

"Get that thing away from me or I'll turn you into a man," he said to her.

Rose ignored him and pulled up a bit of his tousle. She clipped the bow onto it and patted him on the head.

"So cute, it's twee," she pronounced before skipping away towards the back door.

"So cute, it's twee," the Doctor said in a snotty voice as he jerked the bow out of his hair and threw it on the console. "Don't think of putting makeup on my face, Rose! Any of you so much as put an eyeliner pencil to my face and you'll be fishing it out of your eye!"

He shook his head when he heard his three companions giggling just inside the back door. He listened to them cooing about how cute he was as a woman and when they finally shut up and left, he went back to his meditation and relaxed.

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