CAVORTING ON KOORHANH

A/N: This is part of a series centering around my clone Doctor, Alan Timelord. He's one of my favorite characters and a lot of other people seem to like him so I keep bringing him back.

Chapter One

Alan lay in bed enjoying the calm of the morning. It was just past 6 a.m. and the house was still silent. His wife lay beside him, fast asleep, while their dogs Alice and Speck lay beside the bed, fast asleep. He lay there, staring up at the ceiling, feeling the calm soothing presence of his wife's mind inside his own.

"Ah, perfect peace and quiet," he said as he looked at a spot on the ceiling.

"Not for long."

Alan turned his head when Rose muttered that and saw her looking at him through half closed eyelids.

"You're awake," she said. "Peace and quiet won't be lasting much longer."

"Is that a challenge, Starlight?"

"No, but I know you're going to make it into one."

"Always the pessimist, Amo'tiri, always the pessimist," Alan said as he shoved back the blanket and sat up.

Rose raised her eyebrow when he saw the mischievous look on his face.

"I'd advise against whatever is going through your half crazed mind at this moment," she said to him.

She raised her head when Alan grabbed his mobile off the nightstand beside him.

"Alan…no pranks," Rose said.

"No pranks," Alan said.

Rose sighed and sat up. She looked at the menu screen and noticed he was dialing the Doctor's number.

"They have children, Alan, you do remember this, right?" Rose said. "It's nearly half six now."

"I'll be brief," Alan said. "Go take a shit and shave."

He whistled when Rose eyed him before she got out from under the covers and stood up.

"Hello, Brother, am I disturbing you this very cheerful morning?" Alan said while Rose petted Alice and Speck. "Good. Well, I figured you weren't asleep. You don't sleep all that much anyway."

"That's because I was never human," Rose heard the Doctor say.

"What about the time you romanced a nurse from pre WW1 times?" Alan said.

"I gave myself a mental enema and forgot that until you just reminded me of it," the Doctor said.

Rose snickered at that and walked into the bathroom.

"Hey, your ex is going to take a shit and shave, wanna come over and watch?" Alan said.

He winked when Rose teasingly flipped him off and left the door open while she used the toilet.

"No thanks, I watch Rain shit and shave here, no need to travel for it," the Doctor said. "What are you doing today, Brother?"

"I thought I'd grab a submachine gun and make those piggies run for the hills," Alan said. "You?"

"I thought about going to the mineral baths on Koorhahn with the wife. Interested?"

"In your wife? Nah, I have one of my own, thanks."

"You know what I mean, Brother."

"Rose, will you be able to break away from shitting and shaving to go to Koorhahn?" Alan yelled at her while she brushed her teeth.

Rose spit out the foamy toothpaste in her mouth. She walked over to Alan and took the mobile from his hand.

"Hello, Doctor? Listen, this is a bad time," Rose said in a hushed voice while Alan watched her. "I know you want to take me away from here for some killer sex but not while my husband is watching."

She handed the phone back to Alan and strutted back into the bathroom. Alan flipped her off while the Doctor laughed.

"On second thought, Brother, I won't be able to go to Koorhahn today because I will be busy killing the wife till she stops regenerating and then burying the remains on Mount Hide The Dead Body," he said when he raised the mobile back to his face. "Perhaps that'll end your illicit love affair once and for all."

"I'm sorry, we'll try to keep our love affair out of your face if you don't bash her head in with a spade," the Doctor said. "So, would you like to go with us?"

"Starlight, want to go with them?"

"If they'll have us," Rose called back after spitting out some foamy toothpaste.

"If you'll have us," Alan said to the Doctor.

"I'll have the Doctor," Rose said in a sexy voice.

"Sorry, old bean, spade to the head for the missus now," Alan said to the Doctor.

"Yes, I'll go if you want to go," Rose said.

"On second thought, she wants to go. Cancel the spade," Alan said. "I'm too tired to hit her in the noddle anyway; I'll save that for another day."

"Do you want to come over or shall we pick you up at your house?"

"Rosie Doodle Strudle Noodle Poodle, do you want the siblings to come over here or shall we take a battering ram and knock down their house."

"We'll go over there," Rose said.

"Hot damn, we get to use the battering ram on your house!" Alan said to the Doctor.

"And I get to use the explosives on yours," the Doctor said.

"Nah, we put up invisible shielding. You could put a pile of TNT the size of Mount Fuji outside the house and ignite it and all of New Gallifrey would be obliterated except for little old me! And after the devastation, I would go out among the ruins with Speck and pretend I'm in I'm Am Legend."

He giggled when the Doctor said nothing to that.

"Are you sure you didn't have a piece of shrapnel hit your head when you blew up the Daleks?" he said. "I can check, you know. It'd be very easy to get a Dalek eyestalk fragment out of your skull. I'd be very careful not to damage you."

"Nah, Rose gets free entertainment from me and besides, I like the way I am. I'm special."

"No argument from me," the Doctor said. "Well, the missus is nearly ready. We have to take Hope over to Jackie's but by the time you come over here, we'll be here and waiting."

Rose walked out and snatched the phone away.

"I'll be waiting, my love. Get the condoms ready," she said before handing the phone back to Alan.

"Brother, you should check Rose for the eyestalk fragments. I think she's the barmy one," he said while Rose pucked her lips at him while she walked out of the room. "Anyway, I'll end the conversation and do some masturbation before going on vacation 'cross the nation. Holla!"

"Goodbye, Brother. See you when you get here!"

"Holla!" Alan said before ending the call.

"Right, my little Specky-poo," he said when his dog came up to his leg and wagged her tail. "Let's go get ready to greet the day with a smile and song!"

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