DIARY OF A HALF HUMAN TIME LORD

Chapter Six

So here I am waiting, writing down my thoughts while I wait for Rose Tyler to return to my flat. I have mixed feelings about all this. I really hate to encourage her. I don't want to get her hopes up especially if our relationship comes to a crashing halt but…I need her. Damn it, I need Rose Tyler so badly I could scream. I suppose I can blame the Doctor. After all, he fell in love with her so deeply it carried over into me. I tried to send her away tonight when I found her here but it was only a half-hearted attempt to be honest because suddenly when I saw her beautiful face and gazed into her eyes I wanted her with me. Still, I tried my best to pretend because I'm still not sure I can live up to her expectations. She says she'll love me for me, but will she really? I suppose time will tell but at least for tonight I can pretend that Rose is well and truly mine.

Jonathon looked up when he heard a knock on the door. He closed his diary and put it in his pocket before he went to answer it. Rose came inside carrying a small tote bag and her purse.

"Thanks," she said as Jonathon moved aside to let her pass, "I had to tell mum and dad that I was coming over here. They about hit the ceiling but I don't care. I'm tired of them being against you."

Jonathon felt a pang of guilt as he closed the door.

"Rose, don't do anything that'll cause you to lose your family," he said. "I know you wanna be with me, but this isn't worth it if your mum decides never to talk to you again and…"

"No, Jonathon, it's fine. They'll get over it," Rose said.

She grinned when Boots came up and began to rub against her leg. She picked her up and held her close.

"Would you like me to sleep on the sofa?" she asked.

"No, you can take my bed. I'll sleep here," Jonathon said, gesturing to the sofa.

Rose nodded. She handed Boots to him and took her bag into the bathroom so she could get ready. Jonathon held Boots close and stroked her while she mewed and purred at the same time and kneaded his chest. He sat down and looked through the channels until he found a nature documentary. He only half-listened to it as he heard Rose running the shower. His eyes widened when he felt himself getting aroused by the thought of her showering in the nude. He swallowed hard and tried to keep his eyes on the documentary while Boots curled up beside him and went to sleep. He knew this was something new since the Doctor really didn't have this same kind of problem. His sire had more self control than this and even though he had fantasized about Rose and had gotten off on it, that had been in private. In public, he had been able to control his erections and his urges but Jonathon had a half-human body and try as he might, he couldn't make it conform to his wishes. He was glad he was going to be on the sofa tonight but he wondered how long he could keep himself from going into the bedroom and lying down with Rose. Finally, he couldn't stand it any longer and moved out onto his balcony where he had a couple of metal chairs and a metal table. He sat down in the left chair and looked out over the city. In the distance, he could see lightning flash and knew they were about to have another storm. He stared out at the gathering storm, lost in contemplation until he felt Rose's hand on his shoulder.

"Jonathon, are you alright?" she asked softly.

"It's going to storm again," he said, gesturing to the clouds.

"Would you like me to make you some tea?"

Jonathon considered that for a moment and then nodded. Rose squeezed his shoulder and walked away. Once she was gone, Jonathon became lost in his thoughts again. He wondered what was happening with the Doctor in the other universe. He was still clever enough to know that Donna could never survive with a Time Lord mind and he knew there was only one solution for that, one horrible solution. It was odd but because he was partly Donna, he could sense some of her memories mingled with the Doctor's and his own. He had used some of those memories to help her overcome her low-self esteem and make her see that she was more than what she believed she was. He had been so proud of her when she became the DoctorDonna and finally realized how unique and special she truly was. His heart ached, missing her terribly. She had been such a good friend and he longed for her tell it like it is way of speaking and the way she could cut through the bullshit and get right to the heart of the matter. He closed his eyes knowing that the Donna he and the Doctor had both grown to love was probably dead now, back to being the self-centered woman the Doctor first met just after he said goodbye to Rose.

He was brought back to reality again when Rose gently touched his shoulder and set a cup of tea down in front of him.

"I guessed on what you would like it in since I fixed quite a few cuppas for the Doctor," she said.

Jonathon glanced up at her and smiled.

"Thank you, Rose, I appreciate it."

Rose frowned when she saw the misty eyes.

"Are you alright?" she said gently.

He nodded and glanced out at the sky when lightning flashed again.

"Yeah, I was just thinking of Donna and missing her," he said.

Rose went back into the flat, retrieved her cup of tea from the table and took it back out. She blew on it as she settled down in the seat beside him. She took a few sips while she watched and listened to the storm.

"There are a lot more storms here than in the other universe," she said to him. "At least it seems like more."

Jonathon took a sip of tea.

"A storm is coming," he muttered to himself.

Rose heard him and swallowed hard, knowing what he was referring to. She lapsed into silence, unsure of what to say. She was afraid to mention the Doctor for fear of upsetting him and she wanted him to say something first so she would have some clue where to take their conversation. She felt Boots nuzzle her leg and she smiled as she reached down to stroke her.

"Rose, can I ask you something?"

Rose's eyes went up to his and he saw the dullness in them that she hated. She wished more than anything she could bring a sparkle back to them.

"Sure," she said.

"When I told you what the Doctor said and you kissed me, were you kissing me or kissing him by proxy?" he asked.

"I…think it was a bit of both," Rose said truthfully. "I kissed both of you when I did that."

Jonathon nodded and lapsed back into silence. Rose sipped her tea and watched the storm. By now, the rain was coming down and Boots scurried back into the house to avoid it and the thunder booms.

"Do you miss him?"

Rose looked at Jonathon and nodded.

"I do, yeah," she said.

Jonathon smiled.

"Thank you for being honest with me, Rose. I'd rather hear the truth than a sugar-coated version of it."

"I want to be honest with you, Jonathon," she said. "Especially since I think the Doctor was less than honest with you when he made you walk out onto the beach."

Jonathon sipped his tea thoughtfully.

"Shoulda known something like that was comin'," he said. "Actually, I did know something was going to happen by the way he looked at me when he set the coordinates for the bay but I never realized he'd actually dump me out on the beach until he told you to look after me."

He sighed.

"And Rose, you don't need to do that, okay? I'm not a threat to the universe. I'm not gonna go berserk and kill the entire human race."

"I know that, Jonathon. I know you wouldn't."

He shook his head.

"What sticks in my craw is the Doctor's committed genocide himself and blames me because I saved the universe from Davros and his abominations. I don't feel one iota of remorse for their destruction. I stood there by the door listening to his insane conversation with Davros."

He snorted and said in a snotty voice.

"Davros, come with me, I can save you. Who is he kidding? Save him, where was he gonna put him and what was he gonna do with him? Put him somewhere where he could escape and do it all over again? Good riddance to bad rubbish. I hope he never comes back and neither do his so-called children."

Rose listened quietly to his angry rant, feeling a bit uneasy. The Doctor mentioned that Jonathon had her old Doctor's personality and here was an example of it. She was reminded of her old Doctor wanting to destroy the mutant Dalek after it surrendered. But, even though she didn't like hearing him talk about how glad he was the Daleks and Davros were dead, she was also glad of it. She hated the Daleks with a passion and Davros was no better. Still, she could also see the Doctor's point of view about finding a solution other than genocide. Conflicted, she remained silent and let Jonathon vent his anger while she sipped her tea. She noticed the guilty look in Jonathon's eyes and once more her heart ached for him.

"I'm not a bad person, Rose, honestly I'm not," he said, his eyes pleading for understanding.

Rose set her cup down and brought her chair over beside him.

"I know you're not, Jonathon," she said gently. "I understand your anger. I feel the same conflict. I know it was wrong to kill them but I'm glad they're dead and no longer a threat to the universe."

"Then why can't the Doctor understand that?" Jonathon said. "He's never liked the Daleks or Davros. He was angry when they showed up again in New York. He was tired of them always resurfacing and making his life miserable and yet when I finally acted decisively and did the universe a favor, he turns his wrath on me. Why?"

"I think Davros got to him when we were in the vault. He and Caan both taunted him and caused him to show his anger and when Jack and Martha both offered to sacrifice themselves and the Earth or the Crucible to save the universe, Davros told him that he fashions his companions into weapons and accused him of sending us out to die in his name. I think he frightened the Doctor by implying that he was nothing but a murderer and when you did that, I think he thought that you were living proof of that. I can't be certain but that's my theory."

Jonathon considered that while Rose put her hand on his shoulder and squeezed it.

"I'm not afraid of you, Jonathon," she said when he didn't speak. "You're not a threat to me or to this world. I think the Doctor knew that, otherwise he would have imprisoned you or killed you. But, if you think about it, this whole mess started with me."

Jonathon gave her a shocked look.

"How?" he said.

"Because I'm the one that came back and found the Doctor. If I hadn't been on that street running towards him, he wouldn't have gotten distracted and saw the Dalek before it shot him. I'm the one that caused him to regenerate and because of that he siphoned the energy off into his hand and you were born. It's because of me that you're here and I'm the one who's at fault."

"No, you're not to blame."

"But I am. I'm the one who pushed Torchwood to build the dimension cannon because I was so eager to get back to the Doctor. I risked the collapse of all reality because I just had to be with him again."

"But you were the one helped Donna and saved her from the Trickster," Jonathon pointed out. "You were able to warn the Doctor something was wrong through her so when the Earth was stolen he wasn't as caught off guard as he would be if you hadn't mentioned the darkness to Donna. You helped save all of creation, Rose. And as much as I hate to admit it sometimes, I was meant to be born to help save it too."

Rose swallowed hard.

"Do…do you want to die?" she asked in a soft voice.

Jonathon glanced at her.

"Truthfully?"

She nodded.

"Yeah, sometimes I do," he said.

Rose put her fingers against his cheek as he stared out at the thunderstorm.

"I'm sorry if that upsets you but you asked for the truth," he said.

"Thank you for telling me the truth," she replied.

"I meant it when I said I don't know what I am. There's never been a human Time Lord metacrisis before which makes me the first human Time Lord. I don't have a clue about how to live my life now. Do I become human and reject my Time Lord side or try to find a way to go back to the stars and reject my humanity?"

"Why should you reject either one?" Rose said. "Be both. Be both a human and a Time Lord."

"And do what?" Jonathon said. "Make pizzas? The job is brilliant. I don't mind doing it but deep down inside I know I'm a Time Lord that was meant for more. But without a TARDIS, what can I do? I'm stuck, Rose. I'm stuck in a place I don't wanna be living a life I don't want. I'm trying to be human but I don't feel human and I don't know how to reconcile my two selves and find a balance."

Rose felt tears coming to her eyes.

"I want you to be happy, Jonathon. I want you to live the life you were meant to live and not worry about trying to please me or my parents or society. Be yourself and don't give a damn what anybody thinks about it."

"But what I want is to be up there," he said, pointing to the sky. "How do we accomplish that then?"

"Just…leave it to me. I'll see what I can do through Torchwood," Rose said firmly. "Just carry on with the job for now and make some money so you can have some fun and not be stressed out all the time. Just let me help you, please."

Jonathon nodded.

"And when it's all said and done…if there is a solution and I do go back to the stars…do you want to come with me?"

"In the worst way," she said.

Jonathon smiled at that. Rose leaned forward and touched noses with him.

"Just relax, Jonathon. Live your life day to day and let me try to figure out a way to set you free from Earth," she whispered.

"Thank you," Jonathon whispered back.

Rose smiled and kissed his forehead. Jonathon took her hand and held it in his while both of them sipped their tea and watched the thunderstorm.

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