DIARY OF A HALF HUMAN TIME LORD

Chapter Fourteen

I can't sleep any longer so I'm up making another entry in this diary. I tried to sleep all night but I can't stop thinking of what Suzanne said. I'm so afraid of losing her. She's far too young to die from something that could be cured if only I had a fucking TARDIS. This is so unfair. Once again, the universe sees fit to mete out punishment and I suppose not even the clone of the Doctor can escape the wrath. I have to work later today and already I'm nervous. What do I say to Suzanne? I know she wants us to treat her the same as we always have but this isn't like Adric where the death was sudden and unexpected. I'm faced now with the possibility of seeing her slowly weaken and die in front of my eyes and that terrifies me because that's the last thing I want to witness. I know I'm being selfish but this is a new and scary thing to me. With the Doctor he could always get back in his TARDIS and go. I'm stuck here for the time being unless and until Rose finds a way for us to leave and in that time, I'm gonna watch my new best friend succumb to a stupid human disease. I want so much to just run around and scream and kick something right now and I suppose that's what the Doctor was on about saying I was like his ninth personality and maybe I am but if he were here, I'm sure he'd be just as pissed off as I am.

"Jonathon?"

Jonathon glanced up and saw Rose standing on the other side of the table.

"What are you doing?" she asked, her bleary eyes focusing on the diary.

Jonathon lowered his eyes in embarrassment.

"I...uh...started keeping a diary about a week ago," he said to her.

"Oh," Rose said, drawing near.

She held up her hand when he closed the diary.

"I won't look. I'm more respectful than that," she said to him."Everyone needs to sort out their thoughts and I'm glad you're doing that because I was gonna suggest you do that anyway."

She laid her hand on his cheek.

"Can't sleep?" she said.

He shook his head.

"I'm nervous about going in tomorrow and seeing Suzanne. I tried to sleep but the thought of her dying from cancer just keeps floating through my mind."

Rose gave him a sympathetic look as she pulled a chair out and sat down beside him.

"Just act as you normally do, Jonathon. I think Suzanne told us that so there would be no surprises when she becomes sick enough to go in hospital. She doesn't want you to stop living your life and never laugh or have fun again. I'm sure she wants things as normal as possible."

"It's just that...I can't help but think that I might die the same way someday."

Rose nodded.

"I think everyone has those thoughts when someone they care about falls ill," she said. "It's because you're dealing with your own mortality now. The Doctor doesn't have to worry about this...at least not until his last life, anway. So he's probably never given death much thought. But you...you're stuck here in a half human body that will age and sicken and eventually die so now you're left to ponder what will happen and what comes afterwards."

"I just wish there was a way to get in touch with the Doctor. To go and beg him on my knees to help Suzanne. I don't care if he hates me, it doesn't matter if he despises me forever, I just want him to help her."

Rose felt her heart break at that and got up from her seat. She came around behind him, wrapped her arms around him and kissed the top of his head.

"There has to be a way, Rose. There's got to be a way to find him or find a cure for her. I won't stop hoping and trying to find a solution until the day she dies."

Rose squeezed her eyes shut as tears fell down her cheeks. She felt Jonathon heaving in her arms and knew he was crying silently.

"I'll try to find a way, Jonathon," she said. "I'll try to find a way to get in touch with the Doctor again while I'm at Torchwood."

"No," Jonathon said in a ragged voice. "I can't ask that of you. You're already trying to find a way for us to get off the planet."

Rose came around to his side and knelt down.

"But I want to help Suzanne as well," she said. "If there isn't a way to contact the Doctor then perhaps Torchwood has a solution. I want her to live, same as you."

"Oh Rose, you must think I'm a big wimp," he said as a tear streamed down his cheek. "Look at me, second time tonight I've cried."

"I don't think you're a wimp. I think you're human. This is your human side coming through, Jonathon. And It's alright to cry. I don't mind one bit. Cry as much as you need to, okay?"

Jonathon cupped her face with his hands.

"Thank you, Rose. Thank you for being here for me and understanding what I'm going through."

Rose stood up, put her hands on his shoulders and leaned in to give him a long, passionate kiss. She then kissed away the tears on his cheeks.

"I understand, my love," she said. "I know you're still trying to sort out this new life and come to terms with who you are which is why I'm glad you finally stopped pushing me away because I want to help you. You don't have to be afraid to be who you are around me and if that means crying when you feel like it, go ahead. I won't hold it against you or mock you or tell you to grow up and be a man, yeah? I just want you to do whatever you need to do to feel better and release all the pain and anger you feel inside."

"Thank you. Thank you."

Rose held him close as he murmured thank you to her several times. She rubbed his back when he fell silent.

"I'm here, my love, I'll always be here for you when no one else will," she said.

"I love you, Rose. I know now that you were right. I was created for you and we were meant to be," he said, looking at her. "You and I understand one another completely and I'm so glad that he dropped you off here with me because it terrifies me thinking where I'd be if he didn't and left me here all alone."

Rose swallowed hard and nodded. She ran her hand down his face and pressed her lips to his forehead, willing all the love she had in her heart into his mind so there would never be any doubt there that she loved him. She laid her forehead against his and lingered there for a few minutes just letting him calm down and relax and get past the sorrow so he could feel some relief.

"Love, do you wanna come back to bed and try to sleep?" she said after a few minutes. "I think Boots might be getting cold in there."

He let out a brief laugh at that and nodded.

"Yeah, does me no good to stay up all night and fall asleep at work," he said.

Rose nodded. She took his hand and squeezed it as he stood up.

"It'll be alright, Jonathon. We'll try to find a solution and if there isn't one, we'll help Suzanne die a calm, peaceful death surrounded by her friends."

Jonathon nodded. Rose stepped in front of him and with a loving smile, led him back into the bedroom so he could finally get some rest.

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