Chapter Three

Rose sat quietly in the den watching another alien chat show. She found them strangely addicting. She was watching, as Foofoo ranted and raved to a gold robot about how she had unknowingly fell in love with an alien shapeshifting con man when suddenly the Doctor stuck his head in the door.

“There you are!” he said, walking in the room.

“Not interested, Doctor,” Rose said, holding up her hand.

“Not interested in what?”

“In whatever crazy scheme you have brewing in your head right now.”

“Um…well, I was going to show you something from my home world. I keep meaning to do this, but we always get busy doing something else, and it slips my mind, and I just thought since we had some downtime I could show you, but if you’re watching telly, I’ll skip it.”

“No, wait, show me. I want to see something from Gallifrey!” Rose said quickly.

The Doctor smiled.

“Very well, Rose, then come over here by me, and I shall teach you an ancient Gallifreyan fertility dance.”

“A fertility dance?”

“Yes, it’s a dance that was performed back when the Pythia ruled Gallifrey.”

Rose didn’t know what that meant, but she was intrigued with the whole fertility dance thing, so she got up and walked over to him.

“Okay, what is this fertility dance then?”

“Ah, it’s an ancient rite that has survived from the old times before Rassilon, and the rise of the Time Lords. It was passed down through the ages as a curiosity, which is why I know about it.”

“Okay, so how do you do this ancient fertility dance then?”

“Well, first you raise your hands in the air and spin around in a fit of ecstasy.”

He leaned back his head, opened his mouth, and spun around in a circle while he waved his arms around his head. Rose watched him for a moment and then imitated him. The Doctor paused and watched her.

“That’s it,” he said, nodding. “Now, the next thing you do is bend over towards the ground and spin around, waving your arms in ecstasy.”

He did it, and Rose imitated him.

“Then, you lean back up and repeat the first dance move.”

He did, and Rose imitated him.

“Now, that is to summon the fertility spirit into the presence of the dancers,” the Doctor said. “The next thing you have to do is praise her magnificence, so you raise your arms above your head, wave them around, and chant, OLI-OLI, over and over.”

He raised his arms in the air, threw back his head, and chanted, OLI-OLI. Rose watched him for a moment and then did the same. They did that for a couple of minutes and then the Doctor stopped her.

“And finally, we must lure the fertility spirit towards the area where we her to bless us with fertility. So, what you must do is bend over, close your eyes, and slap both your butt cheeks repeatedly while you chant, OLI-OLI!”

Rose stared at him.

“You had to bend over and slap your own ass?” she said.

“Yup, it’s what the Pythia’s worshippers did during the annual fertility festival.”

“And they believed this would make them fertile?”

The Doctor shrugged.

“I guess so; I wasn’t around then, so I don’t know exactly how it worked. All I know is what was passed down to me from other Time Lords. So, anyway, just do as I do.”

He bent over, closed his eyes, and began to slap his butt cheeks while he yelled out, OLI-OLI, at the top of his lungs. Rose hesitated for a moment and then began to do it with him. The two of them stood there in the den, bent over, slapped their butt cheeks and screamed, OLI-OLI, at the top of their lungs.

“Doctor, I feel silly!”

“Well, now you can see why Rassilon finally brought down the Pythia and took control of Gallifrey.”

“I don’t understand the ass slapping. I mean, what is this telling the fertility spirit, that you want her to bugger you?”

The Doctor chuckled.

“Who knows, like I said, it’s all a mystery to us Time Lords. All that survived was this ritual, so keep on doing it and perhaps we’ll see the fertility spirit herself.”

He closed his eyes and resumed slapping his butt cheeks. Rose did the same, and both of them kept on doing it while they screamed, OLI-OLI, at the top of their lungs.

After a few minutes, Rose began to get into it. She was so into it, that at first she didn’t realize that the Doctor had gone quiet. She opened her eyes, looked over, and noticed the Doctor wasn’t beside her any more.

“Doctor?” she said, leaning up. “Where did you go?”

She turned around and paused when she saw the Doctor standing a few feet away. Her mouth dropped open when she saw Jack standing beside him filming her with a small camcorder.

“Keep going, Rose, I love the ass slapping!” Jack said, as the Doctor snickered. “It’s extremely cute!”

Rose gave the Doctor a shocked look. He grinned.

“That’s what I love about you, Rose. You’re willing to go along with anything I tell you, no matter how ridiculous it…”

He was cut short when Rose let out a bloodcurdling scream. Both he, and Jack started to back away, as Rose slowly walked towards them with arms outstretched.

“Now, Rose, it was just a joke!” Jack said.

“I will kill you, Jack Harkness!” Rose growled. “I will kill you both!”

“Rose, angel, calm down, Jack and I were just doing this for a laugh, honestly.”

“Kill you both!” Rose muttered, as her hands reached for their necks.

“Um, Jack, I think it’s time for us to run and hide the camcorder where she’ll never, ever find it,” the Doctor said.

“Give…me…the…camcorder…NOW!” Rose screamed.

“Run, Jack, don’t let the precious footage fall into her hands!” the Doctor screamed.

Rose screamed and lunged at Jack. He, and the Doctor quickly ducked underneath her and ran for the den door, as Rose ran after them, screaming bloody murder.

Ianto was sitting in the kitchen munching on a sandwich and drinking a cup of coffee. He took a sip of coffee and read a newspaper, as he savored the taste of a perfectly made cup of java.


Ianto nearly jumped out of his seat when he heard Rose screaming at the top of her lungs. He watched in silent shock, as the Doctor barged into the kitchen holding a camcorder in his hands, followed by Jack who was letting out a series of pained yells, as Rose followed close behind smacking him repeatedly on the top of the head.

“GIVE ME THAT CAMCORDER!” Rose screamed.

Ianto turned in his chair and watched as the three people ran through the kitchen and out the other door. He sat quietly in his chair listening to Rose’s screams, Jack’s pained yells, and the Doctor’s apologies, before he shook his head, muttered something about never getting used to life on the TARDIS as long as he lived, turned around in his chair and took a bite of his sandwich while he went back to his newspaper.

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