Chapter Five

Rose stretched out on the couch in the den while she watched the telly. This time, she was watching a game show from some planet in the furthest reaches of the universe. There was a gigantic white puffball twitching with excitement while a leech with arms and legs held a small note card and pointed to several doors in front of him.

“So, what will it be, Pookapookazonkzonk?” the leech was saying. “Will it be door number one, door number two, or…door number three?”

“Number two, number two!” Pookapookazonkzonk said, bouncing up and down.

“Are you sure? Remember, if you pick the wrong door, a flamethrower will incinerate you, and your next of kin will receive the home game instead of a fabulous trip to the plasma lakes of Botulism Twelve.”

“Number two, number two!”

“Very well! I will reveal what is behind door number two! But first, a word from our sponsor!”

Rose groaned along with the studio audience.

“Nuts, I can’t stand commercials, even if they are from other planets,” she muttered.

The commercial started. Rose watched, as a snake man held up a brown bottle to the camera.

“Do you suffer from scale loss like I do?” the snake man said. “Do you suffer the embarrassment of finding your scales all over your friend’s furniture at parties? Do you wake up each morning and find your sleeping platform covered with them? Then, do as I do, get Scale Strengthener 2000. Yes, the Scale Strengthener 2000 is guaranteed to strengthen your scales and keep them on your body for years to come. Works for snake, fish, lizard, mer-creature, Nobnob, Relizon, or Fungadoodle races. Clear results in ten days, or your money back. Only 400 credits for…”

Rose looked over and groaned when she saw the Doctor walk into the room and make a beeline for her.

“Don’t even think about it, Doctor,” she said. “I am watching the telly and…”

Her protest was cut short when the Doctor bent over, gathered her into his arms and walked back out.

“That’s what I love about you, Tyler,” he said to her, as he walked down the corridor. “You’ll go along with anything I think up.”

Rose glared at him. He ignored her, as he navigated the hallways, carrying her in his arms. After a few minutes, they came to a heavy wooden door. Rose stared at it in confusion.

“What’s this room?” she said.

The Doctor didn’t reply. He kicked the door open with his foot, and Rose blinked in surprise when she saw an ancient laboratory inside. He entered, walked down a flight of stone steps, took her over to a dusty lab table, and laid her on it. Rose looked around and noticed Jack was standing in the corner of the stone room grinning at her. She sighed and looked back at the Doctor.

“Okay, what the hell is this?” she asked.

“This, Rose, is a bit of playacting. Jack and I are bored, Ianto is off surfing the net---“

“And, I was watching the telly, now if you’ll excuse me…”

She tried to hop off, but the Doctor grabbed her legs, and laid her back on the table.

“You can watch telly whenever you want, it’s pretend with the Doctor and Jack time, right now,” he said.

“Uh-huh, and what are we pretending, then?”

The Doctor reached under the table and put on a white lab coat.

“Well, I’m sure you’ve noticed this lab looks a bit Frankenstein-ish?” he said to her.

“Um, yeah, a bit.”

The Doctor ran his fingers through his hair, messing it up, so it skewed in all directions.

“Well, I am the eeeeeeeeeeeevil, mad scientist, shunned by the villagers because I conduct unethical, horrifying experiments on the unwary,” he said, giving her an insane look. “And, Jack is my assistant, Igor. Isn’t that right, Igor?”

“Yes, master,” Jack said, bending forward and shuffling over to him.

“And you, my dear Rose, are a simple peasant girl that Igor has snatched from the fields while you were out milking the cows. He has brought you here, so I can conduct my most fiendish experiment ever.”

Rose sighed.

“And what fiendish experiment is that?” she said, in a monotone voice.

“Oh, but if I tell you that, little milkmaid, you might die of fright, simply because it’s so eeeeeeeeeeeevil!” the Doctor said, bending down to her face.

“Try me,” Rose said, looking him straight in the eye.

The Doctor jerked his head around and looked at Jack.

“She is brave, this one, you have done well, Igor!”

“Thank you, master!”

The Doctor jerked his head back around and gave her his best maniacal, mad scientist look.

“Very well, little one, if you want to know my eeeeeeeeeeeevil plan, I will tell it to you!”

He threw back his head and laughed the most, cornball, cheesy, evil laugh Rose had ever heard in her whole life. She looked up at Jack.

“I can’t believe you’re going along with this,” she said, to him.

“I’m bored,” Jack said, shrugging.

“Shhh, do not talk to the guinea pig unless I tell you to!” the Doctor said to him.

“Sorry, master, please forgive me,” Jack said, in a sniveling voice.

The Doctor turned his attention back to Rose. He stared at her with a crazed look on his face for a moment, before Rose let out an exasperated sigh.

“What is the experiment, already?” she said, to him.

“Oho, so eager to know her fate, this one. Very well, I shall tell you!”

Rose rolled her eyes when the Doctor let out another corny laugh. He reached down under the lab table, paused, and looked at Rose with insane glee.

“Can you guess what is underneath you at this very minute, little milkmaid?”

“No, and I don’t wanna guess. Either tell me what it is and get on with it, or let me go back to watching the telly,” Rose said, angrily.

The Doctor hesitated and then with a yell of triumph brought his hand back up. Rose stared at the object in his hand. It was a small, stuffed moose wearing a little red vest with a little fob watch chain hanging out of the pockets. She stared at it for a moment and then looked up at him.

“Yeah…and…” she said.

She let out an exasperated sigh when both the Doctor and Jack let out cornball, evil laughs.

“Will you two quit laughing like hyenas and get to the point of this stupid game?” she said.

“Behold, little milkmaid. I, Doctor Evil Mad Scientist Stereotype Person, is about to perform my greatest experiment. I will…transfer your brain into this moose and vice versa!”

He threw back his head so violently that Rose swore it was going to break off his neck. He laughed an evil laugh that echoed off the stone walls of the lab.

“You know, Doctor, I have a theory about the whole companion thing,” Rose said, to him. “I think the TARDIS put the whole idea of taking companions into your head, so you’d have other people to bother, and she’d be left alone.”

The Doctor ignored her, as he shoved the moose into Jack’s hands.

“Now, Igor, make haste! We must perform the experiment before the villagers with their torches and pitchforks come knocking on our door!”

“Yes, master!”

“And who is the villager with the torch and pitchfork, Ianto?” Rose asked.

“No,” the Doctor said, in his normal tone of voice. “Ianto’s surfing the net, remember?”

“Yeah, and in future, I’ll be sure to do that too, so you’ll leave me alone.”

“Nonsense, I told you part of your job is to entertain me. Which is why you are here.”

“Wonderful, just wonderful,” Rose muttered.

She looked at Jack when he brought over a stool, placed it beside her, and placed the moose on top. Jack gave her a lopsided grin.

“Heh, heh, soon you will be a moose,” he said, in his best Igor voice.

“Heh, heh, I bet I’ll have more intelligence than you, then,” Rose said, imitating him.

Jack gave her a hurt look.

“That wasn’t very nice. I hope when you become a moose, you’ll have better manners than that,” he chided her.

“When I become a moose, the first thing I’ll do is use my big moose feet to kick the both of ya in the head! Maybe that’ll knock some sense into you and the Doctor. I…”

She jerked her head around when she felt her shirt lifting up.

“Oi!” she said to the Doctor, when she noticed he had his hand going up her shirt towards her breast. “Now, what are you doing?”

The Doctor looked like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

“Um, checking to make sure there are no missing body parts?”

“You’re gonna think missing body parts when I rip your hearts out, now get your hand out from under there!”

The Doctor withdrew his hand and stood up.

“I can’t help it if I get these eeeeeeeeeeeevil urges,” he said, shrugging.

“Well, if I were you, I’d keep your eeeeeeeeeeeevil urges to yourself, otherwise you’re gonna find your eeeeeeeeeeeevil hands broken off at the wrists!”

The Doctor gave her a haughty look.

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“Oh no, I said, try me,” Rose replied.

The Doctor let out a melodramatic sigh, muttered under his breath about how she’d be more cooperative with a moose brain and pointed at Jack.

“Activate the Gigavolt Inducer, Igor!”

Jack stared at him, confused.

“The what?” he said.

The Doctor sighed.

“The machine with the two long, metal prongs that the electrical charge goes up,” he said, condescendingly.

“Oh! Okay, well, why didn’t you say?”

“I did,” the Doctor muttered.

Rose watched, as Jack wheeled over an ancient looking contraction. Her eyes widened when he switched it on, and she heard a humming noise, as the electrical charge snaked up the long prongs. She looked back at the Doctor.

“Are you sure it’s safe turning that thing on?” she asked.

“Well, yes, I wouldn’t turn it on if it wasn’t safe,” he said, giving her the same condescending look he gave Jack a few minutes earlier.

“This is coming from the man who slapped a bra on his head and tried to bring a Bratz doll to life,” Rose said, dryly.

“That was a fluke,” the Doctor said, quickly. “All my other experiments have been successes. Everyone is entitled to a dud experiment. Thomas Edison tried 999 times before he had a successful electric light.”

“Yeah, but to my knowledge, Thomas Edison wasn’t prancing around his laboratory with a bra on his head telling everyone that was the way to make a light bulb cause he’d seen it done in a movie once.”

The Doctor eyed her.

“I do not…prance, Rose Tyler. I have never pranced anywhere. Occasionally, I have adopted a confident swagger and perhaps, an egotistical strut, a time or two, but I have never pranced.”

Rose rolled her eyes.

The Doctor looked at Jack.

“Now, Igor, start throwing random switches and dials while I turn off the light. Our hour of triumph is nigh!”

“Yes, master!”

Jack ran over to a huge control panel and starting hitting buttons and switches. Rose flinched when she heard more humming and buzzing and prayed to God to keep her from being blown to kingdom come. The Doctor switched off the light. He walked back over to her side and stared down at her. The crackling electricity illuminated his face, giving him a bizarre appearance. Rose couldn’t help but laugh at how ridiculous he looked with his wild hair, and wide-eyed insane look. The Doctor gave her an annoyed look.

“Do not…mock me, child,” he said to her.

“Why shouldn’t I mock you? You look like you just survived a tornado with your hair all over the place, and your…I guess, you’re going for dramatic with the bulging eyes, but it makes you look like you’ve just been kicked in the stomach.”

“Laugh at me all you want! Soon, very soon, you will be inside a cuddly moose with a cute little vest that I won at some fair somewhere, and then, you will spend eternity on my bed while your human body is rented out to parties as an icebreaker. This, Rose Tyler, is your fate. ACCEPT IT!”

He and Jack threw back their heads, closed their eyes, and laughed insanely. They continued their laugh amidst the humming, buzzing, and electrical charges. They laughed for a full minute and when they finally opened their eyes and looked at the lab table, they noticed that Rose was gone. The Doctor and Jack looked at each other. Jack pointed over the Doctor’s shoulder, and he turned to see the door hanging wide open.

“Bollocks! She's scarpered!” the Doctor said, angrily.

Grumbling, he walked over to the light switch and turned the lights back on.

“Well, now what do we do?” the Doctor said.

Jack thought for a moment.

“Wanna go see if Ianto is off the computer?”

The Doctor grinned.

“Yeah!” he said, rubbing his hands together.

Giggling, the two of them quickly turned off the equipment and ran out of the room in search of Ianto.

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