Chapter Six

“Yes,” said the chartreuse colored alien who was standing behind a counter, “My life was changed forever with the Cranial Cardio Metabolizer. I lost 896 pounds just by popping this pill and doing absolutely nothing at all, and now you can lose weight the same way I did. The pill works by stimulating your brain, causing your metabolism to rise to stellar levels. And, within six weeks or less, you can have a body that will be the envy of the galaxy. How much is this fabulous product worth? Now, I bet some of you are thinking; this fabulous product must cost at least 7000 credits, plus my first-born offspring. Well, you are wrong. Have we got a deal for you! We will send you a trial package for the insanely low price of 4000 credits, and your first cousin’s second offspring. Send us that by galactic post, and we will ship the Cranial Cardio Metabolizer straight to your door! Act now, supplies are limited!”


Rose looked up from the infomercial on the TV and groaned when she saw the Doctor standing in the den door.

“No! Not on your life. I don’t want any part of it, and don’t you dare touch me or move me from this sofa!” she said.

“You don’t wanna go explore parts of the TARDIS I’ve never seen before?” the Doctor said, innocently.

Rose raised her eyebrow.

“What’s the catch?”

The Doctor frowned.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“I mean, that you keep roping me into things that are embarrassing, uncomfortable and which are certain to piss me off and make me want to kill you. That’s what I mean!”

The Doctor stared at her.

“When have I ever done any of that?” he asked.

“You feel like sitting here all night while I rattle off the list?” Rose muttered.

“If you don’t want to come with me and see parts of the TARDIS I’ve never seen before, I’ll just go with Jack and Ianto then.”

Rose gave him a skeptical look.

“Is this for real?”

“Well, yes. I wouldn’t come in here and ask you to come if it wasn’t.”

Rose let out an earth-shattering snort. She was about to tell the Doctor to piss off, but curiosity got the better of her. She had made an exploration of the TARDIS on her own and had seen some interesting things, but even she realized what she had seen was just the tip of the iceberg. The TARDIS seemed to go on and on, and the Doctor’s claim that he hadn’t seen everything in his ship did seem plausible. Besides, there was nothing interesting on the telly now, and she figured if she didn’t get up from the sofa, he would sling her over his shoulder and make her go. Sighing, she got up and trudged over to his side.

“Let’s get this over with, then.”

“Gee, Rose, your excitement is overwhelming,” he said, dryly.

He smiled and took her hand.

“I have a feeling you’ll cheer up once we get going though,” he said, grinning.

“Just as long as I don’t end up the butt of some insensitive practical joke of yours.”

The Doctor ignored that, and he led her out into the corridor where Jack and Ianto were waiting.

“Oh good, she’s coming?” Jack said.

“Yup, I tore her away from that mind-numbing telly, so she can have a bit of fun with us,” the Doctor said, smiling proudly, “so, let’s get this show on the road, shall we?”

He walked over to the wall beside the door and knocked on the wall.

“Open sesame!” he said.

The TARDIS opened up a doorway, and the three companions stared at the escalator sitting a few feet inside it.

“All aboard for fun and mischief!” the Doctor proclaimed, stepping onto it.

The three companions looked at each other and followed him.

Rose stepped up beside the Doctor and he took her hand. Her eyes boggled when she looked up the escalator. It seemed to go on forever.

“Do you even know where we’re going?” she asked the Doctor.

“Not a clue.”

As they ascended, Rose noticed that flaming torches lit the way. She stared at the holders. They were made of brass and sculpted to look like an arm and hand. Each hand clasped the end of the torch. Rose had to admit they were very elegant looking. As she admired them, she suddenly heard the Doctor let out an exasperated sigh and mutter to himself.

“For God’s sake, this is not the tunnel of love ride.”

Rose wondered what he meant by that. Then, she heard soft moaning and kissing sounds behind her. She turned and noticed Jack and Ianto were playing tonsil hockey a couple of steps below them. She turned her head back to the Doctor.

“You’re actually surprised that they’re snogging?”

“No, sadly, I’m not.”

He looked back at them.

“Omega’s orifice, get a bleedin’ room, will ya?”

Jack came up for air and grinned at him.

“Hey, if you can’t beat em, join em,” he said, in a thinly veiled hint.

The Doctor stared at him for a moment and then spun back around.

“Isn’t this a fabulous escalator, Rose?” he said to her, “The most magnificent escalator in the world. I’m betting my escalators rival those at Harrods. What do you think?”

“I think you’re rambling, so you can tune out the make-out session behind us.”

“Spot on.”

Finally, after ten more minutes, they reached the top and made a smooth transition onto a moving pavement. Rose was impressed.

“See, my TARDIS thinks of everything. Romeo and Juliet, back there, didn’t have to interrupt their spelunking session to step onto it.

Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and Rose saw her Doctor and her old Doctor standing on either side of the pavement, along with eight other men.

“Welcome to the upper part of the TARDIS,” they chorused.

Rose stared at the ninth Doctor who was smiling warmly at her, as she went past.

“Hello, Rose, nice to see you again.”


She looked at the tenth Doctor beside her.

“Holograms. All of them are, which is why I’m able to be here and there,” he said, pointing back to his hologram.

“Who are the rest of these guys? Are they you?” she said, looking from one side to the other.

“Yup, all my known incarnations,” the Doctor said. “The TARDIS made them and programmed them to greet anyone who comes up here.”

“Well, so far, they’ve only said hello to me.”

“Yes, well, they know me, and they won’t bother with the gits behind us since they aren’t even paying attention to them at the moment.”

Rose watched them while they greeted her warmly. Some of them were kinda cute, while others looked bizarre. She smiled back at them and found herself saying hello in return. Finally, they reached the end of the line. The short one on the right said hello to her and even began to serenade her on his recorder, but when she turned her head to look at the one on the left, he was waving his walking stick at her.

“Don’t you dare track mud onto my moving pavement!” he said, in a crotchety voice. “It takes time to clean, and I’m always the one who has to do it!”

Rose looked at her Doctor.

“Which one is he?”

“My first life,” the Doctor muttered, rolling his eyes.

She looked back at the first Doctor who was eyeing Jack and Ianto with distaste.

“For the love of Rassilon, get a room, will ya?” he said, waving his stick at them. “In my day, I would have never permitted such obscene behavior. I swear, my current self has turned this TARDIS into a brothel! What’s next, wild orgies? I suppose I’ll have to clean up after those too!”

“Yeah, yeah, blow it out your arse, gramps,” the Doctor muttered.

Rose looked back at the white-haired, elderly Time Lord who was ranting, raving, and waving his stick at them and thanked God she didn’t travel with him. She turned her head back around when the holograms finally vanished and saw they were nearing the end of the pavement. The Doctor and Rose stepped off it and walked on down the corridor. Rose’s eyes widened when she heard a couple of surprised yells. She turned around and saw Jack and Ianto were sprawled out on the floor.

“Oh my, did I neglect to tell the two lovebirds the pavement ended abruptly?” the Doctor said, not turning his head around, “How forgetful of me. Oh well, can’t keep tabs on everyone, I guess. Come along, Rose.”

Rose turned her head back around when she saw the looks of death they were giving the Doctor. She looked at him and saw he was completely unconcerned by it. He turned a corner and strode confidently down the passageway. As he did, the torches suddenly burst into flame, illuminating their surroundings. The Doctor led them to the first door. It was a heavy wooden door with several cobwebs lining the corners. The Doctor pulled out his sonic screwdriver, used it on the lock, and put his hand on the doorknob. He looked back at his companions.

“Ready?” he said.

“Is there anything in these rooms that can kill us?” Rose said, hesitantly.

“Dunno, but that’s the beauty in finding out, eh?” the Doctor replied.

“If you say so, Doctor,” Rose muttered.

The Doctor paused a moment and then, with a flourish, opened the door. All of them squeezed their eyes shut expecting something to jump out at them. They slowly opened their eyes when nothing happened, looked inside, and saw a tiny plant sitting in a clay flowerpot in the middle of the room. Other than that, the room had nothing in it.

“Okay, that was a bit anti-climatic,” the Doctor muttered.

“What’s a plant doing here? Did you put it here?” Rose asked.

“No, I’ve never been in this room. At least, I don’t think I have. To my knowledge, though, I have never ever been in this room at any time I can think of.”

They stepped into the room. The plant had no flowers or adornment of any kind and resembled Audrey II from ‘Little Shop of Horrors.’

The Doctor smiled at it.

“It’s awfully cute,” he said, bending over to examine it.

Jack looked at Ianto.

“Ever seen anything like it?” he asked him.

“Not in real life, no,” he replied.

“Should we water it?” Rose asked.

The Doctor considered that.

“Um, not sure. After all, it’s been sitting here for awhile and doing just fine without water.”

He flicked his fingers against one of its leaves.

“I suppose we could take the little guy to the console room, I bet he’s lonely. I---“

The Doctor was cut off when the plant suddenly grew to a gargantuan size, opened its mouth, and snapped it down on the front part of the Doctor. The three companions screamed and tried to pry the mouth open while the Doctor waved his arms and legs around.

“Let go of the Doctor!” Rose screamed, as she pounded on what she assumed was its face.

“Arrgh! Let go of me, I am not a nibble!” they heard the Doctor screaming from inside its mouth.

Rose looked down and noticed the Doctor had dropped the screwdriver near the flowerpot. She snatched it up, aimed it, and turned it on. The plant roared in pain, and the Doctor quickly backed away from it. They watched, as the plant slowly shrank back down to its original size and fell silent.

“Right, next room, pronto!” the Doctor said, seizing Rose by the arm and shoving Jack and Ianto out the door.

He got them all out, slammed the door, locked it, and cursed profusely while he wiped plant saliva off his face.

He glared at the ceiling.

“Why is that…thing…on board this ship?” he demanded.

He sighed when the TARDIS remained silent.

“Never mind, let’s just move on,” the Doctor said.

“Are you sure, Doc?” Jack replied. “I mean you nearly got devoured by the Little Shop of Horrors plant in there.”

“Yes, but surely, not all the rooms are like that. Now, come on, let’s explore further, and see what we can see.”

The three companions looked at each other, shrugged, and followed him to the next door. The Doctor put his hand on the doorknob, as he aimed the screwdriver at the lock. Suddenly, everyone froze. There was a flash of light, and the first Doctor hologram appeared beside them.

“Will my older self lead these young whippersnappers into more danger?” the first Doctor said. “Will my older self finally realize his dream of turning my TARDIS into a ship of ill repute? Will the randy couple over there finally have an orgy? And, will I have to clean up the mess? Find out in the next exciting chapter of Doctor Who Silly Stories. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go chase some damn kids off my lawn in the TARDIS grass room.”

With a flash of light, he vanished, leaving the four main characters of this story frozen in time until the next chapter.

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