Chapter Seven

A/N: This chapter is rated M for a few suggestive situations and innuendos and some slashy-ness.

Suddenly, there was another flash and the four occupants of the TARDIS were able to move again. All of them looked at one another, confused, before shrugging and going about their business.

The Doctor unlocked the door and put his hand on the doorknob.

“Okay, here we go, you guys rea…”

He turned his head around while he was talking and trailed off when he noticed his three companions were ten feet down the corridor, huddling together for safety’s sake.

“Get back here!” the Doctor said, angrily.

“Open the door first and then we’ll decide whether or not to follow that command,” Jack replied.

“If you do not get back here by the count of three, I will drag you all back to the other room, lock the door, and let you deal with the gardenia from Hell. Now…1…2…”

He quit counting when the three of them dashed to his side.

“Good. Now, as I was saying, here goes nothing.”

He threw open the door. The three companions backed up and cast nervous glances into the room. The only thing inside it was a shining blue orb. It was floating in mid air in the middle of the room. The Doctor looked at them.

“See, just a weird, glowing blue orb, nothing to be alarmed about,” he said, gesturing to it.

“Yeah, but what does the glowing blue orb do?” Ianto asked.

The Doctor shrugged.

“Dunno, but there’s only one way to find out.”

“No!” the three companions screamed in unison when the Doctor strode into the room.

They watched while he walked right up to it, stuffed his hands in his trouser pockets, and stared at it quietly. The three friends looked at each other, shrugged and walked inside.

The moment the last person entered the room, there was an intense glow, a flash of blinding white light, and the four occupants of the room staggered back against the walls. The blue orb’s light dimmed back to its original brilliance. The Doctor blinked rapidly trying to get his sight back to normal.

“Well, that was unexpected,” he murmured, “next time, I’ll remember not to look directly at…”

He trailed off. He sounded funny. He still had his accent, but his voice was high-pitched.


He rubbed his eyes.

“Yes, Ianto?” he said.

“I’m not Ianto, I’m Rose.”

The Doctor took his hands away from his eyes.

“You are Ianto; I know that Welsh accent anywhere. I…”

He frowned. Where was Rose at? He saw Jack, Ianto and…

His eyes nearly popped out of his head when he saw himself standing across the room.

“What the hell? How did I get over there?”

“Doctor? Is that you?”

The Doctor blinked. He could have sworn he heard Jack’s voice coming from his mouth.

“Jack?” he said, hesitantly.


“But, that’s me.”

Ianto walked up to him.

“Look down,” he said, or rather, Rose said.

The Doctor stared at “Ianto” in disbelief and then he slowly looked down. His eyes almost fell out of his head when he noticed the huge pair of breasts he was sporting. He looked up.

“What’s going on?”

“We’ve switched bodies, that’s what’s going on!” Rose said, angrily. “When that orb thing flashed, you got my body, and I got Ianto’s body.”

“And I got your body,” Jack said, “and I guess that means Ianto has mine.”

“Yup,” Ianto said, nodding.

He sighed.

“I’ve always dreamed of getting inside Jack Harkness, but not like this,” he muttered.

“Oh, I don’t know, you look quite dashing now,” Jack replied.

Jack glanced down at his new body and noticed with delight that the Doctor had quite a meat monster on his person.

“Ooo, and I’ve always wanted to do this,” he said, as his hand snaked down the pinstriped trousers.

“Don’t you dare, Harkness! Get out of my trousers before I break that hand off!” the Doctor yelled at him.

Jack withdrew his hand and pouted.

“Damn, as long as we’re stuck with these bodies, we oughta be able to feel around and explore them.”

“No one is exploring anything!” the Doctor said, “while we are in these bodies, we will respect them. No one is to touch anything…”

The Doctor trailed off. He had glanced down while he was talking and suddenly became fixated on Rose’s breasts. Curious, he cupped the right one and moved it up and down.

“Doctor, get your bleedin’ hands off my breasts this instant!”

The Doctor ignored her, as his hand jiggled the breast around and gave it a squeeze.

“Oh my, breasts really are soft and bouncy, aren’t they?” he said.

“Doctor, get your hands off me!”

The Doctor paused a moment then took a hold of the nipple. He rubbed it and his eyes widened in delight at the delightful sensation it produced. He continued to rub while he closed his eyes and moaned softly.

Ianto heard Jack moaning, looked over, and saw that the Doctor’s body was harder than Chinese algebra. He let out a raspy sigh, and his hand slowly descended back into the Doctor’s trousers. Ianto glanced at Rose and both of them nodded. They moved to their respective partners, hauled off, and slapped them in the face as hard as they could.

“Hey!” Jack said, withdrawing his hand and rubbing his cheek.

“Oi, Rose, that hurt!” the Doctor said, indignantly.

“Both of you need to grow up and act like adults!” Rose said.

“Yes, we need to find a way to get back into our own bodies!” Ianto added.

“Oh, I don’t know, there are definite advantages to being in this body,” Jack said, glancing down at Doctor Junior. “I mean, it’s a bit scrawny, but certain areas more than make up for it.”

Once more, the roaming hand went down towards Happyland. The Doctor looked at Rose who was giving him a pointed look.

“Yeah, you’re right, I better stop him before I have to stand here and watch myself wank off,” the Doctor muttered.

He crossed the room and forced Jack’s hand away from its target. Jack let out an exasperated sigh.

“Damn it, can’t I at least sample it one time?” he said.

“No, you cannot. Rose is right; we need to get back in our bodies, before this whole thing becomes permanent!” the Doctor said.

“Oh, all right, what do you want us to do then?” Jack replied.

The Doctor was clueless. Desperate to get back into his body, he did the first thing that came to mind.

“Um…hey you, get out of my body?” the Doctor said, pointing at his body.

Jack rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, that works,” he said, under his breath.

“You got a better idea, Harkness?”

His eyes widened in surprise when Jack seized “Rose’s” face and shoved his tongue in her mouth. The Doctor pushed himself away.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“Um, doing what you said you did to Rose when you took the vortex out of her?” Jack said, shifting nervously.

The Doctor glared at him.

“Well, it was a more plausible idea than you screaming at me to get out of your body!” Jack retorted.

He chuckled.

“’Sides, I always wondered what it was like to snog Blondie, now I know.”

He backed away when both Rose and the Doctor took a swing at him.

Ianto let out an exasperated sigh. Once again, it was up to him to remain calm and save the day. It just boggled his mind how these people ever got along without him. Ignoring the three squabbling people standing in the corner, he moved over to the orb and stared at it thoughtfully.

“Hmmm, if the orb switched bodies on us when we all walked into the room, then perhaps it’ll switch us back if we go outside and come back in.”

A smug smile spread over “Jack’s” face. Yes, what would the others do without him and his levelheaded manner of doing things? He turned to the others who, by now, were nearly ready to rumble.


He smiled when the three of them stopped and stared at him in shock. Yes, he, Ianto Jones was finally taking control of the situation.

“I believe I have a solution,” he said, walking towards the door. “Follow me, please.”

He walked past them. They turned and followed him out the door. Ianto promptly turned and walked back inside.

“Follow me, please,” he called back over his shoulder.

The others looked at each other and followed him back inside.

Suddenly, the orb began to glow, there was another flash of light, and the four of them staggered back against the walls.

“Argh, if I walk out of this room with my eyesight intact, it’ll be a miracle!” the Doctor said, slamming his hand over his eyes.

He paused when he realized he was speaking with his voice. He took his hand away and examined it. A grin spread over his face when he noticed the hairs on the back of his own manly hand.

“I’m back!” he said, jumping up and down.

He paused and looked down at the enormous bulge in his trousers. Sighing angrily, he looked across the room.

“Jack?” he said to Jack’s body.

“Yeah,” Jack said, answering in his own voice.

“Good, I’m glad you’re back. Now I know I’m killing the right person!”

Jack’s eyes widened. He ran out of the room, as the Doctor followed behind him screaming bloody murder. Rose, finally regaining her vision, looked down and breathed a sigh of relief when she saw her breasts. She looked over at Ianto who was giving her a smug smile.

“See, I fixed it,” he said, proudly.

They looked towards the door when they heard the Doctor screaming vague threats about ripping Jack’s penis off his body and burning it, so he would spend eternity as a she-male. Ianto and Rose looked at each other, sighed, and hurried out of the room before the Doctor did something he would regret.

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