Chapter Twelve

Rose was angry and she felt like kicking something, preferably the little elves that were all around her now, mingling with the tourists. She was angry at Gazonk for feeling her up in front of everyone and she had to fight the urge to go back to the house and break his fingers off one by one.


Rose gasped when someone screamed behind her in a high-pitched voice and she turned to see an elf woman carrying a large blue package. She was dressed in a blue elf costume with gold trimming and was as old as Ruffula.

"This is heavy, move it!" she shrieked at Rose.

"Alright, you don't have to be so rude! I'm movin' out of your way," Rose said angrily.

Rose stepped aside and clenched her fists while the elf lady muttered under her breath and moved past.

"I thought this place was filled with Christmas cheer!" she spat out.


Rose turned and saw the Doctor walking towards her, a concerned look on his face. The anger drained away and her shoulders slumped as she walked towards a nearby bench. The Doctor followed her and sat down beside her.

"I wanted to kill that little git," Rose said to him as she looked at the fake snow.

"If it makes you feel any better, we had to restrain Jack before he did kill him," the Doctor said. "I would have left and come after ya sooner but Ianto didn't get him calmed down until a few minutes ago. So you would have had your wish. I personally gave them both a stern lecture and I'm going to tell the manager of this place, wherever he may be."

"And on top of all that, the other elves are rude and that…song…is still playing over and over. Are they trying to drive everyone insane?" Rose said, glancing up at the speaker mounted on a pole beside the bench.

"Perhaps this wasn't the best idea. I had no idea Noel had become such a tourist trap. It wasn't this way the last time I was here," the Doctor said. "Anyway, perhaps we better get back to the house before Jack turns Gazonk inside out."

"Good, let em."

"Then we spend the night in jail…right in the heart of the city…with that playing night and day," the Doctor said, pointing up to the speaker.

"Okay, I'm ready, let's go get em," Rose said, jumping up quickly.

"I figured you'd agree to my proposal once you realized the consequences if Jack commits mass murder," the Doctor said. "Come on, the quicker we can get them, the quicker we can go somewhere else."

"Yes, please. I'm tired of elf molesters and Christmas torture music," she said, taking his hand.

The Doctor led her back to the house, unaware that they were being watched by a sinister man.

"Yes, they're perfect," the man said to himself as he watched them walking back to the house on CCTV, "two more to add to my collection of elf slaves. All I need do is lure them here and use the dwarfizer on them and then a bit of brainwashing and I'll have new servants to entertain the tourists."

The man let out a throaty chuckle before he ordered his pets to pursue their new prey. The gates opened far below the man's lair and four of the man's pets burst forth in search of the Doctor and Rose.

By the time the Doctor and Rose reached the house, Jack was outside with Ianto waiting for them. He was still visibly angry but his expression became concerned when he saw them coming.

"Rose? Is everything alright?" Jack asked as he and Ianto walked up to them.

"Yeah, just needed a walk so I could cool down," Rose replied as Jack gave her a hug. "I'm fine now."

"Good because the elf was seconds away from getting his penis broken off and shoved down his throat. I…"

He trailed off when he heard rhythmic pounding and he frowned as he looked around.

"What the hell is that? Sounds like someone's doing a drum solo," he said.

His eyes bulged and the others looked where he was looking and gasped when they saw four robotic reindeer headed straight for them through the panicked crowd.

"Robodeer! Run for it!" Jack screamed as he and Ianto ran one way and the Doctor and Rose ran the other way.

Jack and Ianto looked over their shoulders and saw to their horror that all four deer ignored them and chased after the Doctor and Rose. He and his lover shared a look and they ran after the deer. Meanwhile, the Doctor and Rose were trying to get away from the metal deer, going through alleys, into shops and back out into the streets. But no matter where they went, the deer followed, leaving a path of destruction and startled and injured elves and tourists in their wake. The Doctor looked back and decided to try a diversion in order to save Rose. He told Rose to run right while he went left and he saw to his relief that the reindeer all decided to follow him instead of her. Rose stopped on the porch of a house and watched with anguish while the robot deer pursued the Doctor. Jack and Ianto glanced back at Rose briefly while they continued their chase.

"Doc, try to find somewhere to hide!" Jack screamed at him.

"No, Harkness, really? And here I thought we were all running the bloody marathon together!" the Doctor yelled back at him.

"Sarcasm does not flatter you, Doc!" Jack yelled back.

The Doctor was about to yell out that he was tired of being referred to as "Doc" when one of the reindeer suddenly did a rocket powered leap over his head. He landed in front of the Doctor while two more of them jumped to his sides. The Doctor suddenly found himself trapped by robot deer while Jack screamed at the deer to leave him alone. Then to his astonishment, one of the deer turned around and farted sleeping gas out its robotic ass into the Doctor's face. The Doctor sighed and fell to the ground, unconscious. One of the deer quickly rose into the air, shot a net out that ensnared the Doctor and enclosed around him and when the Doctor was secure in the net, it flew off. Jack yelled curses at the flying deer as it flew over his head.

"Jack!" Ianto said.

Jack was so busy cursing the flying deer that he didn't see the other deer had now turned their attention to them and were staring at them before suddenly breaking into a charge.

"SHIT!" Jack yelled as he and Ianto practically skidded to a stop, turned and ran hell for leather while the deer chased them through the streets.

"Noel suuuuucks!" Jack screamed as he and Ianto ran as hard as they could. "Merry Christmas, my ass! This is about as far from Christmas as you can get!"

Rose, who was watching from the porch, watched everyone heading her way.

"Move it, Blondie!" Jack screamed at her.

"Shit!" Rose said, throwing up her hands. "YOU WOULD BRING THEM BACK THIS WAY, JACK!"

"I DIDN'T MEAN IT!" Jack yelled as he and Ianto jumped up on the porch.

They ran across the porch and off the other side while the robot deer ran around it and gave chase.

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