Chapter Sixteen

It was a quiet day and Rose was in the living room reading a book. She was wearing blue jean shorts and a white t-shirt with white socks. She flicked her foot lazily while she lay on the sofa. A sofa pillow supporting her head while she read. She turned the page and saw some movement out of the corner of her eye. She glanced up and her eyes narrowed when she saw Jack leaning over the sofa.

"No," she said. "Whatever you have in mind, the answer is no."

"Tsk, tsk, tsk, look at these clothes," Jack said.

Rose lowered her book and looked at her clothes.

"What about them?" she said to Jack.

"My dahling, they're so blasé. You need a new look. You need to see the greatest fashion designer of all time!"

"Oh? Who's that, you?"

"Me? No, I'm toilet paper next to the great Jean Claude D'allons-y!"

"Who's he?"

"Come and see," Jack said, beckoning to her.

Rose stared at him for a moment and then with a sigh lowered the book, figuring he wouldn't go away till she saw what he wanted her to see. She sighed, marked her place, put the book on the coffee table and stood up.

"Lead the way," she said to Jack.

"Follow me and meet…"

Rose waited for Jack's dramatic pause to end.

"Jean Claude D'allons-y," he finished in a hushed voice.

Rose had an idea who Jean Claude was, particularly since his last name just happened to be the catchphrase of a very familiar person. But she knew if she didn't play along, they would be giving her tittie twisters and wet willies next so she took Jack's hand and let him lead her along the corridors. They stopped at a door and Jack put his finger to his lips. Rose sighed when Jack opened the door just enough to stick his head in.

"He's here," Jack said in a hushed voice.

"Yes, the Doctor is here in his TARDIS."

"Doctor?" Jack said, feigning confusion. "No, this is Jean Claude D'allons-y. Come and meet…the master."

He opened the door and Rose pushed past him. The room was lit only by candlelight. In the back of the room, the Doctor was sitting on a wooden stool. He was reading a newspaper and that obscured the top half of his body. Beside him was a high, narrow table. On the table was a small plate. On the plate was two croissants. While they watched, the Doctor's hand snaked out from behind the newspaper, grabbed the nearest croissant and jerked back behind the newspaper. Jack approached with deference.

"Master Jean Claude, I have brought someone in need of a fashion makeover," he said.

The Doctor lowered the newspaper and Rose snorted when she saw his face. He had taken an eyebrow pencil and drew a line across his upper lip that she guessed was supposed to be a pencil thin mustache. And he had drawn a triangle on his chin that she guessed was a goatee. He was wearing his glasses and used them as he looked her up and down for a moment before he said…

"Pig swill."

"Sorry?" Rose said.

"Your outfit is pig swill," the Doctor said in an exaggerated French accent. "It is horrible, ghastly, unimaginative and an eyesore. In short, pig swill."

"And your outfit is spectacular, mister suit and plimsols?" she shot back.

The Doctor took another bite of the croissant in his hand and chewed it thoughtfully while he looked her over.

"Francois," he said to Jack.

"Yes, Monsieur D'allons-y?" Jack said.

"Bring in my latest creation. We shall turn this uncouth child into a sensation."

"Yes, Monsieur D'allons-y!" Jack said, running out of the room.

Rose watched while the Doctor finished his croissant, carefully folded his newspaper and sat it on the table. He got up from his stool and put his hands behind his back. Rose watched him warily while he walked around her, observing her from every angle. He paused at her breasts and leaned in, staring at them intently.

"Oi!" Rose said, smacking him on the head.

The Doctor leaned back up and turned his nose up, looking down his nose at her while she glared back at him. He sniffed and took hold of his chin.

"My dear girl," he said in his French accent, "what products do you use on your face? You're as white as a mime."

"And you're whiter than a polar bear's bum so what products do you use on your face?"

The Doctor ignored her retort as he walked back to his table, seized the other croissant and ate it. He munched on it while he came back to her and studied her. He then leaned in and took another bite of the croissant while he stared at her breasts.

"Get away from my breasts before I jam that croissant down your throat," Rose growled at him.

"These are misshapen, have you considered surgery?" the Doctor said, leaning back up.

Rose's mouth dropped open at his cheek. She was about to slap him when Jack came back into the room, carrying a large brown box.

"Ah! My latest creation!" the Doctor said, crossing over to the box.

He opened it up and with a grand gesture reached in and pulled out a one piece bathing suit. It was made of sparkly purple latex with a large grey photo of Saturn on the front of it. He held it up to Rose who gave him a you must be kidding me look in response.

"This shall be the start of your grand makeover. Please put it on," the Doctor said, giving it to her.

"What happens if I don't put it on?" Rose said, mocking his French accent.

"There shall be dire consequences," the Doctor said ominously.

"Yeah, there's always dire consequences with you," Rose said, shaking her head.

The Doctor took the box outside and Jack followed him so she could change. Once the door was closed, Rose looked at the bathing suit with distaste before letting out a world weary sigh and taking off her clothes. She changed into the bathing suit and knocked on the door to let them know she was finished. The Doctor and Jack entered and the Doctor brightened when he saw the bathing suit on her.

"Bien," he said, setting the box down. "Tres bien. That looks fabulous on you. Now…for the next part of your makeover."

Rose's eyes bulged when he reached in and pulled out a huge papier mache model of Saturn that was glued to a wide strip of purple fabric. The fabric tapered off into two ear flaps that could be tied up. Rose glared at the Doctor when he plopped the Saturn on top of her head and brought the ear flaps down, tying it under her chin.

"Bien!" the Doctor said. "And now…the piece de resistance!"

Jack had Rose sit on the stool while the Doctor reached in and pulled out a pair of sparkly purple leg warmers and purple slippers. Rose eyed him when the Doctor put the leg warmers on her and the slippers on last.

"Voila!" he said, stepping back. "And now we shall have the photo shoot. Francois?"

Rose's eyes bulged when they both snickered and whipped out digital cameras.

"I believe this should go on Facebook, eh, Monsieur D'allons-y?" Jack said, nudging the Doctor.

"Oh yeah," the Doctor said in his normal voice. "It'll make a great addition to my photo section."

"Does that mean once you're done humiliating me, I can blacken both your eyes, cause you blindness and then snap some photos of that for my Facebook?" Rose said. "Because if you take one photo of me wearing this piece of shite, I will beat you until your faces swell up to the size of the Hindenburg!"

The Doctor and Jack shared a glance.

"Dare we?" Jack said to the Doctor.

The Doctor looked at the livid expression on Rose's face. He looked at Jack and both of them turned and sprinted out of the room before Rose could beat them into submission. Rose grumbled, untied the headgear and threw it to the floor. Muttered to herself about having the Doctor and Jack sectioned, she walked over, slammed the door and began to undress.

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