Chapter Eighteen

"Good night, Doctor," Rose said, giving him a kiss on the cheek.

"Good night, Rose, pleasant dreams," the Doctor said, smiling at her while he sat on the jump seat reading a science magazine.

She walked back to her bedroom, opened the door and got ready for bed. When she was ready, she pulled back the cover, got in and pulled them up to her chest. She reached over to her nightstand, turned off the light and was asleep in minutes. Within twenty minutes, she began to dream…

She was standing in the middle of a field that seemed to go on forever. She was wearing the purple nightdress she had worn to bed and the sheer nightgown showed off her body whenever a strong wind blew. She looked around, wondering where she was when she heard a wheezing sound. She turned around and saw the TARDIS materializing about ten feet from her. She raised her eyebrows when she noticed the paint job looked brighter than she remembered it and there was a small St. John's sticker on the door opposite the sign. She waited while the TARDIS stopped and powered down. Then the door opened and someone unfamiliar stepped out. He was tall and thin and was wearing brown boots, dark trousers, a white shirt with pink pinstripes, brown tweed jacket, a red bow tie and atop his head was a red fez. It took her a moment to realize that this was the Doctor she had seen in the portrait room, except now she could see his face. The Doctor was holding a mop in his right hand and Rose wondered why he was doing that. He was about to ask the Doctor what was the deal with the mop when he suddenly spied her and his face brightened.

"Oh, it's you!" he said, overjoyed, as he came towards her. "I thought I'd find you here! Give me a hug!"

He embraced her and over his shoulder Rose saw a ginger haired woman, a man with a big nose and a woman with curly blonde hair emerge from the TARDIS. The Doctor stepped back, his hands on her arms as he looked at her. Rose gazed at him. He had long, floppy brown hair that hung down the right side of his face. Rose had a sudden urge and she took the hair and tucked it back behind his ear so it was out of his face. The Doctor smiled warmly at her as the ginger haired woman looked over his right shoulder at her and the blonde haired woman looked over his right.

"Sweetie, who is this?" the blonde said to the Doctor.

"Ah, River Song, this is Rose Tyler. Rose, this is River Song and Amy Pond and…Rory?"

He turned around and groaned when he saw Rory lying dead on the ground with a huge spear sticking out of his chest.

"Not again," he groaned as he walked over to Rory.

He jerked the spear out of his body, kicked him hard in the side and threw the spear away when Rory gasped and came back to life.

"And this is Rory, the man who can't keep from dying," the Doctor said, walking back to Rose. "Sorry, it was distressing at first and now it's just annoying. Anyway, great to see you again."

"You're…the Eleventh Doctor?" Rose said.

"Spot on, glad to see that you're on top of things. That's why I loved you above all others."

The Doctor froze when River cleared her throat loudly and he turned to look at her.

"I'm sorry, Sweetie, I can't help but notice you just said you loved her above all others," River said.

"Um…yeah, she was my one true love. So anyway…" the Doctor said, spinning back around to Rose while River gave her a look of death. "I've been searching for you for ages so it's wonderful to see you again and…"

"Doctor," Amy said, tapping him on the shoulder. "He's gone and done it again."

The Doctor groaned. He turned and saw Rory was dead again, this time with a bullet right between the eyes. Grumbling about inept companions, he walked over, bent down beside him and began to suck the bullet out of the hole in his head. While he was doing that, River came up to Rose. Rose was taken aback when she gave her that look of death but Rose quickly recovered and gave her a challenging look back while Amy watched them.

"So you're the Doctor's true love, eh?" River said in a low voice.

"S'pose," Rose said.

River raised her hand, made a fist and loudly cracked her knuckles while she gave Rose a pointed look. Meanwhile, the Doctor finished raising Rory from the dead and spit the bullet out of his mouth as he walked back toward them.

"Doctor," Amy said, "I think you need to separate these two."

"A good idea. Rose…"

He threw down the mop, seized Rose's hand and Rose spun around and followed behind him while River growled deep in her throat. To everyone surprise, he stopped her about twenty feet away, hitched up her nightdress and began to grope her while he snogged her brains out. Amy coughed nervously and backed away from River who was now completely livid, her teeth grinding against each other while she watched the Doctor slip his hand into Rose's panties. Amy looked back at her husband and groaned.

"Doctor, he's done it again!" Amy yelled.

"Arrrgh!" the Doctor said into Rose's mouth.

Rose gasped when instead of letting go, the Doctor kept snogging her while he picked her up and crab walked back to Rory who now had his head cut off. He tried to snog her while bending down to Rory but found he couldn't do it and let out an enraged yell when he had to detach from Rose. He kicked Rory's corpse in frustration.

"QUIT DYING EVERY NINE SECONDS, YA DAFT GIT!" he screamed as he kicked the torso.

Then Rose watched while he screwed Rory's head back on until it was firmly in place. Then he raised one foot, stomped on Rory's chest and Rory gasped as he came back to life.

"Now, where were we?" the Doctor said before seizing Rose and continuing his groping and snogging.

The Doctor gasped when River thwacked him over the head with the tip of the mop. He looked at her and she gave him a sickly sweet smile.

"Sweetie, shouldn't you be sorting out that?" she said, pointing to Rory.

The Doctor let out a world weary sigh and turned to Rory who was clutching his stomach, his face a sickly blue.

"I've been poisoned," Rory gasped.

"Yeah, that's nice, Rory," the Doctor said, waving him away.

"Shouldn't you be sorting that out?" River said when he leaned his face into Rose's.

"Eh, he can sort it out himself, he's a big boy," the Doctor said.

River gritted her teeth when he went back to his snogging and groping. Rory stared at the Doctor in shock.

"Isn't anyone gonna help me?" he said to the snogging couple.

"No, because frankly you've been killed so many times, we've lost interest," River said, walking around the snogging couple to him. "You can't stay upright for ten seconds so shouldn't you be going home or at least permanently hiding out in the TARDIS with a five foot thick padding of foam rubber around your body?"

She sighed when Rory dropped dead, his face as blue as a blueberry. She walked around to the Doctor's back and tapped him repeatedly.

"I don't care about Rory," the Doctor said into Rose's mouth. "Rory needs to start resurrecting himself now. I'm busy."

Rose screamed when River seized her by her hair and dragged her away.

"Just protecting you from the slag, sweetie," she said as she pulled Rose away from him.

"I'll show you who's a slag, bitch!" Rose snarled.

The Doctor and Amy stood side by side and watched the enormous catfight going on in front of him.

"Um…stop," the Doctor said weakly as they snarled and clawed at each other. "Stop now, I command you to stop. Amy…get in there and make them stop."

Without warning, the Doctor shoved Amy into the fray and watched while the three women went all out on each other, fists flying and clothes ripping as they yelled their Amazon fury at each other. The Doctor glanced at Rory who was still dead and sighed as he picked him up and began to do the Heimlich maneuver while he watched the battle royal.

Then everyone stopped what they were doing when they heard another wheezing and saw another TARDIS materialize about twenty feet from Eleven's TARDIS. The three women stopped fighting and the Doctor dropped Rory's dead body at his feet while they watched. The door opened and a tall thin man emerged. He was gangly with short curly blonde hair. He was wearing pink flip flops, tan corduroy trousers, a maroon smoking jacket, a white shirt with a frilly lace cravat tied around his neck and a black bowler hat was shoved down over his curls. He had a pencil thin mustache and a monocle over his right eye. He came towards everyone with a regal demeanor and surveyed the scene around him. Then he opened his mouth and everyone was stunned into silence when they heard him speak in a twangy deep southern American accent.

"Howdy, ya'll. I'm the Twelfth Doctor," he said with a thick southern accent. "What's going on ch'ere? Ya'll havin' a fight?"

"This is your next life?" Rose, Amy and River said in unison to Eleven.

"Um…maybe?" Eleven said, backing away from his next life in terror.

"Mind if I have some chaw? I like my chaw," Twelve said.

He pulled a used Coke bottle out of his pocket along with a small can of Skoal. He put a wad of chewing tobacco in his mouth and everyone gave him a disgusted look when he chewed it and began to spit the juice into the bottle.

"So, where are we?" Twelve said, looking around. "Where's my companion. Gertrude? Bubba! Get out ch'ere right now!"

The door opened again and two portly hillbillies stepped out. Both of them were rotund, badly dressed and looked like they hadn't bathed in weeks. Twelve spit juice into the bottle before he pointed at them.

"Ya'll, this here's my travelin' companions. Gertrude, Bubba, this is my past life and my former companions and…Rose?"

Rose was horrified when Twelve noticed her for the first time. He smiled at her, his teeth stained from tobacco juice before he spit into the bottle again.

"Rose, I haven't seen you in ages. Come and give me some sugar, baby gal!" he said, walking towards her.

Rose jumped up and began hitting herself, trying to wake herself up while Twelve spit some more juice into the bottle. Rose shook her head in horror when Twelve embraced her and she smelled Jack Daniels on his breath as he opened his mouth for a snog.

"Noooooooo!" Rose screamed.

She screamed herself awake and leapt from her bed. She ran down the corridor and when she ran into the console room, she sprinted to the Doctor and launched herself at him when he gave her a puzzled look.

"DON'T EVER CHANGE!" she screamed as she seized his lapels and shook him the moment he hit the ground. "IF YOU CHANGE, I WILL PUT YOU IN STORAGE UNTIL YOU CHANGE BACK!"

"Um…okay, I won't change," the Doctor said, confused, when he saw the wild eyed look on Rose's face.

Rose released his lapels and smiled at him. She patted the Doctor's cheek and stood up. The Doctor lay there on the grate, staring at her in stunned silence as she walked to the back door.

"Boy, PMT must be a real bitch for humans," the Doctor said as Rose left the room.

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