Chapter Twenty Four

"I swear to God the Doctor is so full of shit sometimes," Jack said to Ianto while they walked down a corridor. "Coming up with a bullshit story like that and expecting us to believe it. Ghosts my lily white ass. There are no ghosts in here and he knows it. He does that every once in awhile, tells these ridiculous stories in the hope you'll believe it and then he gets a private little giggle when your gullible butt falls for it."

"Owen did that as well," Ianto said.

"True but Owen wasn't trying to be superior…well, not all the time anyway. But at least Owen's stories were more entertaining than an alien praying man…did you feel that?" Jack said, suddenly looking behind him.

"Feel what?" Ianto said.

"Thought someone ran their hand down the back of my head," he said as he ran his hand down the back of his head. "Weird, must be a draft. Anyway, at least we get to tour the TARDIS without the Doctor going on and on about…" Jack trailed off and touched the back of his head while he looked over his shoulder. "Anyway," he said as they walked off again, "I wonder if we can find something new today…"

"Mumba Jumba!"

Both Jack and Ianto froze when they heard a robotic voice behind them. They turned and looked but no one was there.

"What was that then?" Ianto said to Jack. "I heard that, same as you."

"Um…not sure…" Jack said.


They spun around again when the voice came from behind them.

"Alien praying mantises like saying boobies then?" Ianto said.

Jack sighed angrily.

"Alright, Doctor, I know it's you. You have some sort of intercom built into the wall and you're talking like a robot. Show…"

He grunted when someone kicked him in the ass and he spun around, jerking his head around while he looked for the assailant.

"Doctor, this isn't fun…"

He gasped and he and Ianto ducked when a laser blast came out of mid-air and soared over their heads.

"I am Booglah, the praying mantis, you will obey me or die!" the voice said.

"Doctor, cut the crap and show yourself!" Jack said.

He gasped and jumped back when someone's fingers brushed his crotch.

"Um…something just touched me right there," Jack said to Ianto as he pointed to his crotch.

"The Doctor?"

Jack raised an eyebrow at that and walked around in a circle. He stopped when he felt a hand on his ass and looked over his shoulder at Ianto. Ianto was standing five feet away from him with his hands in his pockets.

"If it is the Doctor, he's giving me mixed signals," Jack said. "He keeps telling me he's not interested in a relationship but something is definitely touching the goods."

"I want you. You are sexy," the robotic voice said.

"The Doctor is speaking through an intercom and somehow fondling you from the front room," Ianto said to him.

"Not sure. But something is fishy here and…"

Jack jerked his body when something screamed in his ear.

"Okay, that's it. The Time Bored has gotten on my last nerve with his little game," Jack said. "Doctor, this isn't funny!"

Jack stepped back when one of the roundels in the wall suddenly enlarged to a five foot circumference. Inside the roundel was the image of the Doctor relaxing in his jump seat. The Doctor looked off to his left towards Jack.

"The TARDIS informed me you are yelling for me, what do you need?" the Doctor said.

Jack didn't know what to say. According to the image, the Doctor was in the console room relaxing.

"Um…are you in your control room?" Jack said.

"Yes, I was meditating when the TARDIS told me you were calling for me. Is there something you need?"

"Um, not really, I thought you were doing things," Jack said sheepishly.

"Things? What sort of things?" the Doctor said.

Jack sighed.

"I thought you were pretending to be that mantis ghost and talking in a funny voice and…fondling me."

Ianto stifled his laugh when they saw the bewildered look on the Doctor's face.

"Fondling you?" he said.

"Never mind! Just go back to…whatever it was you were doing. I'm sorry I bothered you."

"Are you sure?" the Doctor said.

"Yeah, just go back to your mediation."

"Okey-dokey, talk to you later then," the Doctor said.

The image faded to black and the roundel shrank back to normal.

"So…still believe he's lying?" Ianto said.

"Dunno, but I don't believe this is all happening because of some mantis ghost."

"How about Rose ghost?" Ianto said.

"A rose ghost? Do flowers even have ghosts?" Jack said.

"No. Rose as in Rose Tyler as in the disembodied head behind you," Ianto said, pointing over his shoulder.

Jack turned and gasped when he was inches from Rose's head.

"I am a vision of your deeeeeath!" Rose said in a deep voice.

"My death? You're Rose," Jack said.

"Um…yeah, well I need to get permission to show you your head, copywrite laws and all that," Rose said.

"Rose, what the hell is going on, where's your body?"

"I'm dead, this is my head. I'm dead heeeead!" Rose said in a deep voice.

"Shit, I shoulda known the faithful do anything for the Doctor companion would be in on this."

"In on what?" Rose said innocently.

"This bullshit ghost story prank thing you and the Doctor thought up. Now cut the crap and show me your body."

Rose stared at him and Jack sighed angrily as he reached out with his hands and felt her body.

"There, there it is! You managed to make it invisible somehow. Now make your body visible!"

"Doctor, he's found us out!" Rose yelled up at the ceiling.

The roundel enlarged again and Jack saw the Doctor in his jump seat.

"I thought we'd draw this out longer, Tyler," the Doctor said from his seat. "I thought you'd use strobe lights and smoke machines."

"All I had was a laser blaster and a vocoder, I can't carry everything," Rose said to the roundel.

"Vocoder, so that's what the robot voice was," Jack said.

"Yeah, I had it left over from Ancient Rome when I was turned into a statue. Long story…" Rose said when she saw the confused look on Jack's face. "Anyway, enjoy your day and have a nice stroll. Gotta go!"

Her head disappeared but Jack could hear her running back down the corridor. Jack looked at the roundel. The Doctor was looking at him with a smug look on his face.

"Just wait, Doctor. Your turn will come," Jack said, pointing to his image.

"I'm sorry, was that a threat?" the Doctor said. "Because the TARDIS is very protective of me and she might take that as a major threat and do something nasty to you. I am in my own element here, Harkness, and I can do anything I want, more or less. She still rules the roost but she does like a prank and she took the mickey out of me by using Rose and now I'm doing the same to you and Ianto. Like Rose said, enjoy your day and I'll be up here relaxing. Ta-ta!"

Jack waited till the roundel shrank back to normal before turning to Ianto.

"See, he can be a complete arrogant prick when he wants to be. Anyway, let's keep on going before I decide to run up to the front and make him eat his shoes."

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