Chapter Thirty Two

The Doctor whistled while he looked through his book searching for things to show Rose. Rose meanwhile was looking around their immediate area. She frowned when she saw a Dalek about fifty feet from them. She tapped the Doctor on the shoulder and pointed it out to him.

"Oh that, that's not a real Dalek. It was a project of mine to build a Dalek I could pop into and disguise myself as. I started it and never finished it. Still…"

He walked over to it and Rose followed him. He went around the back, pushed one of the bumps and the Dalek split open and parted. The Doctor climbed inside and hunched down and the shell closed around him. The eye in the eyestalk suddenly glowed blue and Rose backed out of the way when the Dalek began to move in stops and starts.

"Damn," the Doctor said in a Dalek voice. "Controls are a bit touchy. And rusty, haven't tried to move this thing in years. Anyway…EXTERMINATE ROSE TYLER!"

Rose laughed as the Doctor followed her around in a circle.


"Wench? That's going a bit too far!" Rose said, laughing as the Doctor followed her around.

"YOU HAVE A NICE ARSE, I WANT TO EXTERMINATE IT!" the Doctor said as he followed her rear end.

"Get away from my arse, you kook!" Rose said.


"What is pew, pew, pew?" Rose said, stopping.

The Doctor stopped in front of her.


"I am. How nice," Rose said airily as she walked towards the book.

The Doctor glided the Dalek back to its proper place and stopped. He got out of it and closed it up. He snorted when he noticed Rose was at the podium pretending to read the book.

"As if you can read high Gallifreyan," he said as he came up beside her.

"I want to see the Tellytubbies," Rose said, pointing to a random entry. "And your life-sized replica of Hogwarts and your Irn Bru factory. And your waxworks collection."

"Ah! In that case…" the Doctor said, turning to another page.

He yelled out the coordinates and after the flash, Rose found herself standing in front of a waxwork of the Doctor. She raised her eyebrow when she saw it. The waxwork Doctor was dressed in a toga and had one finger raised above his head as if to say I'm number one. In his other hand down at his side he was holding some sort of seal that resembled a fancy figure eight.

"What's this?" Rose said, pointing to it.

"The Seal of Rassilon, the official seal of my homeworld."

"Okay, next question, why are you dressed like Zeus?"

"Because this was sculpted in Greece."

"It's not stone though it's wax."

"I didn't say when it was sculpted. There are sculptors in twenty first century Greece," the Doctor said.

"And one thought you'd look great in a toga?" Rose said.

"Um…he was gay, fancied me and it was a wild drunken party that night. Anyway, that's a waxwork. On to something else!" he said, hurrying back to the book.

"Wait, when did this happen? This statue is your current body so when we're you at a wild drunken Greek party?" Rose said.

"What else can I show you?" the Doctor said, ignoring her.

"Doctor, when were you at a drunken frat party?"

"I didn't say it was a frat party. That man was an artist and a very nice, sensitive artist at that. He thought I looked beautiful so I modeled for him, nothing more than that."

"Yeah, I bet," Rose muttered.

She let the matter drop though and let the Doctor choose something else. He yelled out another set of coordinates and Rose yelled in shock when she came face to face with a thirty foot tall black Beetle encased in a Perspex box.

"It's dead, Tyler," the Doctor said dryly.

"I don't care. I hate beetles, they freaked me out as a kid and they still do. Where did you get that?"

"From Virox. I rode him actually until he died in battle and the Warunga tribe gave them to me as a memento. I had Stampy encased in Perspex for all eternity."

"Stampy?" Rose said.

"Yes, I name my pets like most humans do. Problem with that?"

"Well, I sorta have a problem with you regarding a monster beetle as a pet but then again, this isn't the strangest thing I've seen you do," Rose said.

The Doctor went back to the book and Rose grimaced at the beetle and hurried to her side.

"Getting the uckies?" the Doctor said as he flipped through the pages.

"If you mean an ucky feeling, yes, I'm getting the uckies looking at that thing," Rose said.

"Very well, we shall go to sector 19, area 23."

There was a flash and Rose stepped back automatically, thinking a giant praying mantis would be in front of her. Instead, she saw…

"Jack?" she said, walking over to a statue of him.

"It's a Jackbot. The TARDIS built it for me for Jack's birthday."

"You're giving Jack a robot of himself?" Rose said.

"Well, I was and then I thought, naaah, but now I'm reconsidering it," the Doctor said.

"What does it do? Does it move?" Rose said, fingering the lapel of Jackbot's coat and marveling at the fact that it resembled Jack's real coat in every detail.

The Doctor called Rose back to his side and showed her a little silver remote control. He pressed it and Jackbot began to dance around and wiggle his ass. Then Jackbot began to sing.

"My name is Harkness, I'm a tease. I do whatever I damn well please. I prance around like a whore; I'll shag your brains out and so much more!"

"What?" Rose said to the Doctor while the Jackbot shimmied and moved his butt. "That's his song?"

"Well, actually…I wrote it for him to sing. I might have gone a bit too far with the lyrics though."

"Yes, I'm a whore, a whackin' great whore. If you aren't a slut, I find you a bore. I'll shag you up against that door. Whore, whore, whore."

"Yes, Doctor, you definitely went too far with the lyrics," Rose said while the Doctor let out a nervous cough.

"Shake it down now!" Jackbot said before he squatted down and gyrated his hips repeatedly.

"Anyway," the Doctor said, turning off the robot with his remote control. "As you can see, I'm in a quandary about whether or not I should give that to Jack for his birthday."

"Um…my opinion is no, definitely no," Rose said.

"Thank you for your opinion, I'll take that into consideration then," the Doctor said, going back to the book. "Now, what's next? Hmmm, okay Area 63, section 14."

Rose closed her eyes before the flash came. When she opened them, she was standing in front of a life-sized gingerbread house that was decorated with frosting and sweets. The Doctor pushed open a pair of gingerbread shutters and folded his arms on the gingerbread windowpane while he gave her a smug look.

"My gingerbread house, designed for someone to live in," the Doctor said. "Had a crazy German man make it for me. He had to use industrial sized equipment and ovens just to make the walls and ceiling. But they have industrial sized ovens for civilian use in the 81st century."

"How do you get these people to make things like this for you?" Rose said.

"I'm charming and most of the time it's because I save their lives. When you rescue someone from the jaws of a huge tarantula, they tend to be extremely grateful and want to reward you with cool things like this," he said, patting the windowsill of his house. "Care to come inside my house, Gretel?"

Rose was about to respond when there was a loud beeping above them.

"Yes, TARDIS?" the Doctor said, looking out of the window and up at the ceiling.

The TARDIS grumbled to him and the Doctor sighed.

"Patch it through," he said.

"Patch what through?" Rose said.

Before the Doctor could answer, a holographic image of Jack appeared by the gingerbread house. Rose watched Jack open his mouth to say something but close it again when he saw the house.

"Um, what is this?" Jack said to the Doctor as he pointed to the house.

"This is my personal gingerbread house, what do you want?" the Doctor said.

"Personal gingerbread house, the fuck?" Jack muttered to himself while Rose giggled. "Anyway, Ianto and I have been all over the TARDIS looking for you and Rose. Where the hell are ya?"

"Loft," the Doctor said. "Or attic as you call it. I've been showing Rose some of the cool stuff I've collected over the years."

"And where the hell did you get a gingerbread house?"

"German guy in the 81st century," Rose said. "Sculpted it for him using industrial ovens."

"Uh-huh, that's nice. Anyway, are you coming down anytime soon or are you going to show Rose your life-sized brothel complete with harem?"

"Well, I don't have that…yet but give me time," the Doctor said. "So, Rose, ready to leave?"

"Can we come back sometime?" Rose said.

"Ah, you like my collection then?" the Doctor said happily.

"Yes. Except for the thirty foot beetle, I found that scary."

"Thirty foot beetle?" Jack muttered. "Never mind, better not to ask for details."

"Just wait in the console room with Ianto, Jack. We'll be there presently," the Doctor said.

"Okay, Hansel, I'll see you when you get back," Jack said.

"Uh-huh," the Doctor muttered as the hologram disappeared.

"I didn't know we can do that," Rose said to him.

"Well, I don't advertise it because I'm sure Harkness would use the hologram to appear in the shower with me. But yes, if the TARDIS allows it, she'll use a holographic projection of you to send me a message."

"Good to know," Rose said as the Doctor came out of the gingerbread house.

He kissed the back of Rose's hand and led her to the podium. Rose stood beside him while the Doctor asked the TARDIS to take them back to the entrance. She closed her eyes when the flash enveloped her hoping they could come back soon.

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