Chapter Thirty Three

Rose brought a large radio into the living room and set it down on the table beside the sofa. The radio was able to pick up stations from all over the universe and she was eager to try it. She turned it on and moved the dial on the front of it, trying to pick up something. She paused when she found something and listened.

"Ro jo sho jo sho sho fo," a gruff voice was singing. "Zo flo sho do!"

Rose made a face and changed the station. She found another one and gasped when she heard a high pitched shriek. She quickly changed it and kept turning the dial. Then she heard English and she stopped and listened.

"Your listening to Clat Sykes on Andromeda One, Andromeda's only source for talk radio."

"Ugh, hate talk radio," Rose said, making a face as she started to change the station.

"Hello, Clatheads, this is Clat Sykes, the source for truth for all Andromeda. Our topic today is Bret Vanos's campaign for Emperor and the controversial eating of a child. When he ate the child, did he ruin his credibility with voters?"

Rose froze with her hand on the dial.

"Eating a child?" she said, taking her hand away.

While she listened, the Doctor came into the room carrying a small leather bound book in his hands. Rose glanced at him and turned her attention back to the radio.

"Shemday morning, Bret Vanos was campaigning in the Molandar sector when a woman gave her child to him so he could kiss it. Instead, he ate it and this has sparked off a controversy. Has Bret Vanos ruined his campaign? We're taking your calls at 1-777-442-CLAT."

"Rose, why are you listening to this rubbish?" she heard the Doctor say. "Clat is a wanker who likes confrontation. He's filled with hot air!"

Rose glanced over her shoulder at the Doctor. He was sitting in the chair beside the sofa reading his book.

"I was just curious about other radio stations in the universe and this one's in English," Rose said. "I was gonna change it but I want to hear about this man eating a baby."

"That was the mother's fault," the Doctor said. "She shoulda known better than to give her baby to Bret."

"He ate it, Doctor," Rose said.

"Bret Vanos is a lizard and the baby was human. Of course, he's going to eat it if you hand it to him."

"You know about this?" Rose said.

"I'm a Time Lord, I know most of the things that have happened in this big old univese," the Doctor said smugly.

"We have a caller from the Vega System. Hello, you're on the Clat Sykes show, what is your opinion on all this?" Clat Sykes said.

"Yes, hello, Clat. Long time listener," the man said.

"And your name is?" Clat said.


"Klickklat, what is your opinion of Bret Vanos?" Clat said.

"I think he's a liar and a crook and this baby eating incident was bound to happen sooner or later," Klickklat said. "Bret Vanos is not fit for any public office but especially not Emperor. This is worse than the Mudge Turner affair."

"What's the Mudge Turner affair?" Rose asked the Doctor.

"He had an affair with Mudge Turner, a skunk being from Yun," the Doctor said, his eyes on his book.

"A lizard had an affair with a skunk?" Rose said.

"Yup. Interspecies dating is frowned upon on Andromeda," the Doctor said, turning a page.

"Okay, if you say so," Rose said, turning her attention back to the radio.

"I agree about Madge Turner," Clat was saying. "The woman shamed herself by consorting with a lizard. A LIZARD! How dare she fornicate with someone outside her species! It's an abomination! Thank God the idiots didn't have any children!"

"Blimey, this Clat is a real tosser," Rose said.

"Now you know why I don't like listening to him," the Doctor said. "Although…this gives me an idea for a prank."

Rose turned and watched while the Doctor set aside the book, reached into his pocket and pulled out his mobile. He dialed Clat's number while Rose watched.

"Hello, is this Clat Syke's radio show? I'd like to give Clat my opinion on today's topic," he said into the phone. "My name is the Doctor and I'm from Gal…Galapigoes. Yes, I'll wait."

"You're from Gallifrey," Rose said.

"Yes, but I'm the last of my kind and I really don't want to get into a discussion with Clat about that," he said to Rose. "Okay," he said into the mobile.

"Our next caller is a man called the Doctor from Galapigoes,"Clat was saying. "What is your opinion, Doctor?"

"I'm a long time listener," the Doctor said. "And normally I agree with everything you say but I must protest your hatred of interspecies dating. You see, I'm a merman and I'm dating a human called Rose Tyler."

Rose widened her eyes and put her hand over her mouth when the Doctor winked at her.

"You're dating a human?" Clat said in disbelief. "That's disgusting. How can you even touch it?"

"Oi!"Rose said to the radio while the Doctor held in his laughter.

"You don't understand. I rescued Rose from a shipwreck and I fell in love with her," the Doctor said into the mobile. "There's the problem of her legs and my fishtail and how to make love to her but I'm considering finding a sea witch and trading my voice for human legs."

Rose giggled at that.

"Is Jack and Ianto Flounder and Sebastian then?" she said.

The Doctor winked and nodded.

"You'd be willing to sacrifice yourself for this girl?" Clat was saying in disbelief. "Are you insane, man? Think about this before you give up your voice!"

"But I've already made my decision. If Rose Tyler doesn't marry me, I will drag her down to the depths of the ocean and make her my Merqueen for all eternity," the Doctor said while Rose giggled.

"Merqueen. I could get used to that," Rose said.

"She will be my fish concubine and we will spawn and have millions of minnows and call them all Nemo," the Doctor said.

"Until a fish comes along and kills me and all of them except one," Rose said.

"Excuse me, sir, have you ever had a psychiatric evaluation before?" Clat said.

"Ooo, he thinks you're mad," Rose said.

"Oh yes, I have Fart-o-fluctuating-hyperactivity-super genius-disorder. I'm so barking mad I might as well be a dogfish."

"You're bad, you are so bad," Rose said.

"Whatever you say, Merman, next caller please," Clat said.

"Oi, he hung up on ya,"Rose said. "He really is a tosser!"

"Yes and he's a specist. He's against interspecies love affairs which is bad for me since I'm a fish dating a human."

"You're a cute fish though," Rose said. "I'll change the channel now. Had enough of Clat."

"Thank you! At last!" the Doctor said. "I hate that man. He's a git. He deserves to have his head chopped off and shoved up his arse so no one can hear him ever again."

"Ooo, angry Doctor, I like that. You need your own radio chat show called Angry Doctor," Rose said.

"Hmm, I like that as well. Perhaps I will do that in future. But for now, I'm content to just sit here and read my book."

Rose tried other radio stations while the Doctor went back to reading his book.

"Okay, watch this then!"

The Doctor looked up when Jack came into the room followed by Ianto. He and Rose watched while Jack went up to the TARDIS wall, kissed it and mimed humping it. He turned and saw the stunned looks on the Doctor and Rose's faces while Ianto tried not to laugh.

"Um…why are you sexually assaulting my ship?" the Doctor said.

"Well, um…Ianto and I were arguing and Ianto accused me of wanting to shag everything in sight so I thought I'd be a smartass and I…sexually assaulted your ship. Sorry."

Rose laughed when the Doctor shot her a world weary look.

"I was trying to enjoy my book and now I'll have to give myself a mental enema so I don't have the image of you humping my walls burned into my mind. Thanks, Jack."

Jack coughed nervously and sauntered off.

"Sorry about that," Ianto said as Jack left the room. "Jack can be a bit of an arsehole at times. Sorry about the raping of your ship."

The Doctor paused when the TARDIS grumbled and he grinned.

"She liked it actually. She thinks Jack's a cutie so no harm done," the Doctor said.

"Well, I'll be sure to tell Jack he has a new love interest then," Ianto said. "See you later."

"Ta ta," the Doctor said.

He looked at Rose when Ianto left the room.

"Wonder what Clat's opinion is on human/timeship dating?" he asked her.

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