Chapter Thirty Four

The Doctor was standing by his console, trying to figure out where to take his companions when he heard someone clearing his throat behind him. He turned and saw the TARDIS interface was standing there.

"This is quite a surprise, you haven't used your holographic form for donkey's years," he said to her. "Do you need something?"

"I have a question," the TARDIS said.


"The tall one kissed me the other day and put his genitals against me. What does this mean?"

The Doctor rolled his eyes.

"It means the tall one needs to get a life and stop the simulated humping," he said. "But in all seriousness, he was joking."

"I have been thinking about that ever since it happened," the TARDIS said.

"Why? It was just a harmless joke," the Doctor said.

"Because I have watched you with the Rose child. I have seen you hold her and stroke her while you lie in your bed. Is this putting of genitals against things and kissing part of that?"

"Well, normally people don't hump walls but kissing and fornication is part of loving someone," the Doctor said.

"And that is normal?" the TARDIS said.

"Very normal," the Doctor said.

He was shocked when the hologram walked over to him, mimed Jack's humping against his back and kissed his cheek.

"You look surprised, Doctor. You said it is normal for people to do that when they love someone," she said.

"Yes, but I never imagined my ship would hump my back," the Doctor said. "This whole humping things thing has taken a very bizarre turn."

"Has the Rose child ever done the…humping with you?" the TARDIS said.

"Um…no, not yet," the Doctor said.

"So you do not love her?"

"I do but sometimes it takes time to get to the point where you're comfortable doing that," the Doctor said. "We're still at the cuddling and kissing stage."

"I see. I was curious about this. I have never…humped another TARDIS."

The Doctor paused; his mind suddenly filled with the image of two police boxes humping each other. The TARDIS peeked into his mind and saw his thought.

"No, that has never happened to me," she said to him. "This image in your mind of me fornicating with myself."

"Wow! Of all the things to discuss with the TARDIS," the Doctor said. "I never thought sex would be a topic of discussion between us."

Just then Rose came into the room. She stopped when she spied the hologram.

"Hey, it's the hologram TARDIS," she said, walking towards them.

"You know about this?" the Doctor said, pointing to the hologram.

"I came to her when I asked her to become invisible," the TARDIS said.

"Oh! Yes, well…the TARDIS is curious about sex now that Jack has made her his bitch."

"Bitch?" the TARDIS said. "How did he make me a female dog?"

"It's a figure of speech," the Doctor said while Rose laughed. "I mean that he…well, he…Rose, explain!"

"Me? She asked you," Rose said.

"It means that he made you his whore, for want of a better word."

"I am Jack's whore?"

Rose bent over laughing at the wide eyed look on the Doctor's face.

"I never thought I'd hear my ship say that," the Doctor said.

Jack entered the room and waved to them. He stopped short when he saw the TARDIS hologram.

"Hello, Jack, I am your whore!" the TARDIS said.

Rose slumped over the railing laughing hysterically while the Doctor silently laughed at the shock on Jack's face.

"Doc, you been scouring the universe on my behalf?" Jack asked.

"Didn't have to, you made this whore all on your own," the Doctor said.

"Explain," Jack said.

"Jack, meet the TARDIS or rather her holographic interface. She is your whore now that you humped her."

"Whoa, wait, that was a sarcastic reply to Ianto's taunt about me loving everything in the universe. I'm not interested in screwing your ship on a full time basis," Jack said, holding up his hands.

"Jack, am I your whore?" the hologram said, floating over to him.

"Um, well I have to admit your hologram is sexy but I'd rather not date a time machine. I think Ianto would be a tad jealous."

"But you kissed and humped me. The Doctor says that is what people do when they love others."

"Yes. But people can also be smartasses and that's what I was doing. Dear God, what have I done? The TARDIS has the hots for me now! I think I'll go back to Ianto before I find a load of wires up my butt or something."

Jack turned to run but the TARDIS sealed up the back door. The Doctor and Rose laughed as Jack turned, put his hands on his hips and glared at the hologram.

"Open the door back up," he said.

"I want to know if I'm your whore. The Doctor says that you were trying to make me your bitch and bitch means whore. So am I your whore?"

"What the hell have you been saying to your ship?" Jack said to the Doctor.

"Nothing, nothing at all," the Doctor said innocently. "Just a few words about the birds and the bees. She was very curious after you raped her."

"I didn't rape your stupid ship!" Jack said.

"Ooo, calling her stupid, that wasn't nice," Rose said.

"Sorry, I didn't rape your ship, Doctor."

"You were dry humping the wall and I'm sure she didn't give her permission so that is a rape in my book."

"Oh hardy har har. Now open up the back door. You are not my whore. You're his whore if you're anybody's whore," Jack said, jabbing his finger at the Doctor.

"She's not my whore. She's my friend, companion and confidant. She'd be my whore if I mounted the console like a stallion but I haven't so she isn't. You on the other hand…"

"Whatever, Doctor!" Jack said while Rose howled with laughter. "Let me out!"

"Let him go, TARDIS," the Doctor said.

"THANK THE SWEET LORD JESUS! I'M OUTTA HERE!" Jack said, zooming through the door when it opened back up.

"Did I do something wrong?" the TARDIS said, turning to the Doctor and Rose.

"Um…no, he's just a bit shy. He'll come around and see that you and him were meant to be," the Doctor said while Rose shook with silent laughter. "But I'd leave him alone for awhile until he calms down. Don't pressure him too much."

"Okay, Doctor, I will do that. Goodbye, I will speak to you later."

The Doctor and Rose shared a look when the hologram vanished.

"See, never a dull moment in here, eh?" the Doctor said, patting Rose on the shoulder while she snickered.

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