Chapter Thirty Seven

Rory and Ianto stood back, listening while Eleven, Ten, Jack and Amy bickered and pointed fingers at each other.

"What are you doing here? You shouldn't even be here! Don't you know where you are?" Eleven yelled at Ten.

"No because I needed to make emergency repairs, I had no idea I'd landed on Guanoca."

"Well, you should have locked your door then!" Eleven said.

"Jack, Ianto and Rose were outside!" Ten shot back. "Why don't you keep an eye on your companions?"

"Because he's not the boss of me!" Amy said to the Doctor.

"I figured that out when you dragged him into my TARDIS!" Ten shot back as he pointed to his future self. "You don't listen very well, do ya!"

"On the other hand, she has great tits," Jack offered.

Eleven glared at him and Jack held up his hands.

"Just sayin'" Jack said.

"Look, can we stop fighting and concentrate on the problem at hand?" Rory said.

"Yes before Rose gets eaten alive or something?" Ianto added.

Everyone calmed down and Eleven nodded.

"They're right, Rose is in danger. We'll argue and play the blame game later," Eleven said.

"So what do we do then?" Ianto said.

"We could use the TARDIS to track her and pinpoint her location," Ten said. "Land nearby and do a snatch and grab."

"What if there's a whole fleet of those…bat things?" Jack said.

Eleven glanced at Amy and grinned.

"One second. I have someone who can handle a fleet of bat things. Be back in a trice," he said.


Rose grunted when the bat dropped her down on the top of a rock mesa. She got up on her knees and gazed fearfully at the bat flapping over her head.

"If you're gonna eat me, do it quickly, yeah?" she said to it.

She watched as the bat flew past her and landed gracefully on the ground. It folded its wings and used the folded wings to turn its body around so it could examine her. Rose pulled her eyes away from it and dared to get up so she could see if she could see the TARDIS. The bat watched her silently while she walked twenty feet to the edge of the mesa and looked out. She could see the TARDIS about a hundred feet away. It was in the middle of a clearing in a forest and she noticed an identical TARDIS in another clearing to the west of it. She figured the second one was Eleven's TARDIS since she saw a group of people clustered around her TARDIS. She glanced back at the bat, took a deep breath and screamed for all she was worth.


Everyone's head shot up when they heard Rose's faint scream.

"Oh great, she's all the way up there," Jack said, pointing to the mesa. "And it looks pretty smooth on this side if you were thinking about climbing up."

"No,we'll use the TARDIS. We'll land up there and get her," Ten said.

Rose fell silent and stepped back when the bat crawled up beside her and looked out at them. The others on the ground stood and observed her but the bat didn't seem to take notice of her.

"Doesn't look like she's being eaten just yet," Jack said. "That's a good sign."

"Yeah but that doesn't mean it won't start soon. We need to get up there!" the Doctor said.

"Here I am and I brought my kickass help!"

Everyone turned and saw Eleven walking up to them with woman by his side. She was middle aged with blonde curly hair and she was carrying a laser blaster in her hand.

"This is River Song, our firearms expert," Eleven said to everyone.

"Whoa! No one said anything about shooting it!" Ten said.

"Just in case there's a nest," Eleven said.

"Doesn't look like a nest to me. So far it's one lone bat," Jack said, pointing to the mesa.

"Hmmm, wonder if I can shoot it between the eyes from here?" River said, raising her gun.

"No! We don't shoot unless we have to," Ten said, running up and jerking her arm down.

"He's more moral than I am," Eleven said to River.

"Hmm, good job I stayed with you then," River said.

"Um, shouldn't we be concentrating on Rose now?" Rory said.

"Yes. Everyone in to my TARDIS. We'll sort this out!" Ten said.


Rose watched while everyone ran into the TARDIS. She breathed a sigh of relief and looked at the bat.

"You better fly away, Batty. Me mates are coming to get me," she said to it.

She staggered back when a bright light suddenly enveloped the bat and it morphed into a humanoid form. Rose gazed at it. It had a human body with brown fur and a human head with a snub nose, huge bat ears and fangs. It now had human arms and legs and its bat wings were folded against its back. She also noticed it had quite a sizable bat schlong.

"Um, keep away from me with that thing," Rose said, pointing to it.

"My name is Albacore, king of the bat people!" the man said with a cultured British accent.

"Okay, my name is Rose Tyler, queen of…the Doctor's hearts," she said.

"You will be my concubine and bear me children!" Albacore said.

"I don't think so. I'm already spoken for and he won't like bringing up bastard bat children," Rose replied.

"Do you speak of those puny humans? They shall be my supper before too long."

"No, you'll be the Doctor's supper if you don't fly away…too late," Rose said smugly when the TARDIS materialized beside them.

"Stop or I shall attack!" Albacore said as everyone filed out of the TARDIS. "You shall never defeat me!"

"Wow, a very posh bat, thing, creature, person," Amy said.

Rose tried to run to the Doctors but Albacore jumped in front of her.

"You shall bear my children, concubine!" he proclaimed.

"Doctor, any Doctor, a little help?" Rose said.

"Now listen, Batty Watty, I have a woman here who loves to shoot things. So just flap away and forget about concubines and bat children," Eleven said.

"Who, sir, are you?"

"I'm the Doctor and this woman is very dear to me. So clear off before I rip your wings off your back."

"I have laid claim to this woman and I shall procreate with her!" Albacore proclaimed.

"No, you shall not," Ten said. "You will leave her along or I shall resort to fisticuffs."

"I am not afraid of you, Sirrah! Punch me if you dare!"

"Oh please, can I knock the pompous bat person back on his little bat ass?" Jack begged Ten. "Please, Doc, let me do it! Please! I love a challenge!"

"Carry on," he said to Jack.

"Groovy! Come on, Batty, fight me!" Jack said.

"You? You are ugly with an atrocious haircut and you smell. I shall not fight you!"

"Chicken!" Jack said.

He grunted when Albacore opened the wing closest to him and he was shoved back onto the ground. Albacore folded the wing back up and let out a bored yawn as he walked towards Rose. River quickly stepped in front of him and aimed her blaster at him.

"I assume you know what this is," River said. "I'm not afraid to use it."

"Your antics bore me, wench."

"Wench?" River said.

"Ooo, that was a stupid thing to say to her," Eleven said.

River shot a laser blast into the air and aimed the gun back at him.

"Now, call me a wench again!" she said, smirking at Albacore.

She glared at Albacore when he began to hop around in a circle chanting, "Wench, wench, wench," over and over.

"Wow, he's got a lot of guts," Amy said.

"Yes, and the guts are about to be shot out of his body," River growled.

Suddenly, Albacore was blindsided when Ianto and Rory ran into him and knocked him off the mesa.

"Hmm, bit crude but I like it," River said.

"Rose, come on," Ten said.

Rose ran to Eleven and he took her hand and ran her into the TARDIS. The door slammed just as Albacore reached the top of the mesa. He flapped his wings while he looked around.

"Where is my concubine?" he demanded.

"In my TARDIS with my other self," Ten said. "And my other self better not be romancing her in there," he added, eyeing the TARDIS doors.

"Then it's me verses all of you for the hand of my fair maiden."

"No, I don't think the fair maiden wants you," Jack said. "So flap away, Little Lord Fauntleroy, and forget about her before you live to regret it!"

Albacore was about to reply when the TARDIS suddenly vanished. It reappeared a few seconds later, landing on Ten, Amy, Rory, Jack and Ianto. Suddenly, River was outside along with the stunned Albacore.

"Oh good, they're all in there which means I can shoot you now," River said gleefully.

The TARDIS dematerialized and River let out a curse when it slowly landed on her.

"Hey! I was about to shoot him!" River said when she was completely inside.

"Let me in! I must have my concubine!" Albacore yelled as he pounded on the door.

"No, sorry, no concubines today," the Doctor said as he started up his TARDIS.

They heard Albacore yell in shock and anger and then it faded as the Doctor took the TARDIS back to Eleven's TARDIS.

"There you are, out the door and into your own TARDIS before Bats for Brains comes down here," Ten said.

"Thanks!" Amy said as she opened the door and she, Rory and River sprinted out.

Eleven was about to follow them when suddenly he spun around, grabbed Rose and snogged her brains out for ten seconds.

"GET OUT!" Ten screamed at him.

"Oh, for heaven's sake, I'm you. Quit getting jealous of yourself!" Eleven said before sprinting out the door.

"Quit getting jealous of yourself," Ten mocked him in a snotty voice as Jack slammed the door. "Tosser. I'll be sure to hit myself in the face when I'm you and…"

They gasped when the TARDIS shook the moment Albacore landed on top.

"GIVE ME MY CONCUBINE!" he yelled as he pounded on the door.

"Right! Into the vortex!" the Doctor said, hurriedly starting up the TARDIS.

They breathed a sigh of relief when the TARDIS flew to safety inside the vortex.

"Right, everyone here is getting a mental enema now so we can forget everything that just happened," the Doctor said to them.

"But I wanna remember your other self, he was sexy," Jack said.

"Not me, I want that bat thing out of my mind. Sign me up for the enema!" Rose said, hurrying to his side.

"But…this is my mind and I want to remember the other you," Jack said.

"Harkness, if you cause trouble and resist the enema, I will do what Hannibal did to the FBI agent in the Hannibal film. That means you'll be tied to a chair, your brain will be opened and you'll watch me roast bits of it in front of you while you slowly become a mental midget! Your choice, enema or brain roasting?"

"Fine, fine, you probably were impotent anyway," Jack said, sulking while Ianto patted him sympathetically on the shoulder.

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