Chapter Thirty Eight

Rose lay on the sofa reading The Hunger Games. She had nearly finished the entire book when the Doctor suddenly came up to the sofa, bent over and turned his head so it was blocking Rose's view.

"Oi, move your head," Rose said.

"What's this?" he said, leaning up and bending over to look at the title. "The Hunger Games, hmmm…"

Rose sighed when he leaned up, bent over and put his head between her and the book again.

"This is boring," the Doctor said, turning his head to look at Rose.

"Then don't read it," Rose said.

"Blimey, you read such boring books. What about Kingly Wingly and the Donkey Poo?"

"What? That sounds daft to me."

"Once upon a time there was a man named Kingly Wingly and he lived in the magical land of Snarf. One day he was walking down the road when he spied some donkey poo laying in the middle of it. Kingly Wingly puzzled and puzzled about the poo until he decided to step over it. Then all was happiness. The end."

Rose stared at him silently while the Doctor waited for her reaction.

"That is complete pants," she finally said. "At least The Hunger Games has action in it."

"I'm here," the Doctor said, moving his head closer to hers.

"I see that."

"Amuse me, I'm bored. You're reading a boring book so you have nothing better to do. Amuse me."

Rose stared at him for a moment and then laid her book down on her belly. She threw her arms up in the air, kicked her legs and waggled her fingers while she yelled "GONGA, GONGA, GONGA!" Then she rested herself while the Doctor stared at her silently.

"Well, was that amusin' enough?" she said after thirty seconds of silence.

The Doctor didn't answer. He leaned back up, turned crisply on his heel and went out the door.

"Hurrah, the weirdo has left the room," Rose said as she picked up her book.

She read to the end of the chapter before the Doctor came back into the room. Rose let out a world weary sigh and put the open book back down on her belly. She looked at the odd device in the Doctor's hands. In one hand was a small, rectangular silver box with red dials and buttons on top of it. In his other hand was something that looked like a huge silver dildo to her and running between them was a long plastic tube that dipped down in front of the Doctor like a huge plastic U. Rose gave the Doctor a wary look as he approached and stopped beside her.

"Dare I ask what that is?" Rose said, pointing to it.

"You know how humans always go on and on about aliens abducting them and giving them anal probes? Well, meet the real deal. A Bungungian anal probe. Guaranteed to get results. Care to have a go?"

"Hell, no, get that thing away from me," Rose said.

The Doctor put the anal probe down on the wooden coffee table and reached into his trouser pocket. He brought out a small silver ring that had a weird device on it that Rose thought looked like a silver hot dog.

"This…is a Kretsian Cattle Mutilator. Because you know, that's the other thing humans think we all do. As if we don't have enough on our plate without turning moo moos inside out all day long."

He laid it on the table next to the anal probe and jogged out of the room. Rose stared at the items on the coffee table and picked up the ring, turning it over and over in her hand and examining it. While she was doing that, Jack sauntered into the room.

"Mornin' Blondie," he drawled as he headed for the chair beside her. "Yan is still asleep so I thought I'd check out what's on the TV this morning and…hullo…" he said when he noticed the anal probe.

Rose watched while he picked it up and examined the probe part.

"Wow, a space age dildo, this'll be perfect for Ianto…for tonight," he said.

"It's an anal probe," Rose said.

"You don't say?" Jack said. "Hmmm, perhaps we can play alien and abductee tonight then."

Wishing she hadn't heard that, Rose lay the ring back on the table and went back to reading her book while Jack settled down in the chair and examined his new sex toy. Jack noticed the ring and picked it up.

"And this…" he said.

"It's a cattle mutilator," Rose said, turning a page.

"Oh, well, we'll leave that behind then," Jack said, laying it back on the table. "I've seen photos of cattle mutilations, don't want Yan ending up inside out."

Rose lost herself in her book. She was so fixated on it that she nearly jumped out of her skin when Jack let out a startled yell. She put the book down and turned her head towards him. Her eyes bulged when she saw a grey, big-headed, big eyed alien standing beside him. The alien resembled the classic Roswell alien and Rose wondered how it got inside the TARDIS. She was about to say hello when the alien reached up with its thin grey fingers, put them against his cheeks and pulled his head off. Rose was astonished when the Doctor took off the head and tucked it under his arm.

"Okay, this a real mind fuck if I ever saw one," Jack said.

"This is an Andromedan space suit. It's what humans see whenever they have encounters with Andromedans. They assume the space suit is their real body."

"Can I borrow that for tonight?" Jack said.

The Doctor gave him an odd look and noticed the anal probe in his lap.

"What are you doing with that?" he asked.

"He's going to use it on Ianto tonight," Rose said. "They're playing alien and abductee."

"And I'd really like the spacesuit to complete the roleplaying experience," Jack said. "So can I?"

"Guess my answer," the Doctor said.

"Um…no," Jack said tentatively.

"DING DING DING DING DING!" the Doctor said while Rose giggled.

"Aw, come on, you and Rose can roleplay another time. Let me have a turn," Jack said.

"I don't roleplay with this," the Doctor said while Rose laughed harder. "I was passing the time by showing Rose some alien artifacts. Why would I roleplay being an alien when I am an alien?"

"Rose could be the alien," Jack said.

"Oooo, there's an idea. Let me do the anal probe on the Doctor!" Rose said eagerly.

"Can I watch?" Jack said.

"No, you can't anal probe me and you sure as hell can't watch," the Doctor said. "My God, it's sex, sex, sex with you humans! Night and day, nothing but thoughts of fornication. No wonder you think all aliens do is give anal probes! Your kinky, perverted minds hope for that sort of thing if you get abducted!"

"See, that's all he thinks we do is just think of sex."

"This coming from the man who wants to borrow my anal probe and Andromedan costume for a night of roleplay with Ianto!" the Doctor said while Rose laughed.

"Okay, I can prove it to you that I can go without thinking of sex for several minutes."

"Calm down, Jack, I don't want the universe exploding because of your hasty decision not to think of sex," the Doctor said.

"Hardy, har har. I mean I will go the exact opposite and tell you a very tragic and woeful tale about Rose here."

Rose sat up, her book forgotten now in her interest to hear his story.

"A woeful tale about Rose," the Doctor said.

"Yes. A very woeful and tragic tale, made up completely on the spot by me and absolutely no sex or sex references whatsoever."

"Blimey, now I really have to hear this," the Doctor said, sitting down in the other chair while Rose laughed. "Okay, Harkness, give us your tragic, woeful, no sex whatsoever tale..."

Back                         Home                              Doctor Who Main Page                          Next

Your Name or Alias:      Your E-mail (optional):

Please type your review below. Only positive reviews will be posted! Constructive criticism will e-mailed to the author.