Chapter Thirty Nine

The Doctor set his helmet down beside the chair while Jack cleared his throat.

Everyone waited for Jack to begin.

"Well?" the Doctor said after a minute of silence.

"I'm thinking. I'm getting my thoughts in order," Jack said.

"No, you're trying to ram your thoughts around the big thought that involves you and Ianto playing alien and abductee," the Doctor said.

"Speaking of, you look cute in grey," Jack said, pointing to the Doctor's spacesuit. "Anyway, I digress," he said, noticing the annoyance creeping onto the Doctor's face. "Okay, for sake of argument, let's say that you and Rose had a ginormous fight about Rose staying here forever and ever and you bring up the whole I will outlive you eons and eons and Rose is heartbroken."

"Rose, do you still have that Hunger Games book handy? I might need it halfway through this story," the Doctor said, looking around.

"Wait, no…hang on," Jack said. "Um…Rose is tricked into leaving the TARDIS because an alien tells her that the Doctor doesn't love her."

"And she'd believe the random alien over me?" the Doctor said.

"True. Um…thinking here," Jack said.

"Rose, where's that Hunger Games book?" the Doctor said while Rose giggled.

"Okay, here we go. The Doctor believes that Rose has betrayed him so he takes her back home and leaves her there," Jack said.

"In what way does she betray me?" the Doctor said.

"She…steals your chocolate Easter bunny that you wanted," Jack said.

Rose laughed when the Doctor looked at her and slowly shook his head before turning his attention back to Jack.

"No, it's because another alien seduced her. No, it's not me," Jack said when the Doctor pointed at him. "An alien…deer."

Rose laughed when the Doctor shot her a "What the hell?" look.

"Okay, so…so far, Rose has been seduced by Alien Bambi and I dump her out the TARDIS door because I'm afraid of getting lime disease or something," the Doctor said.

"If you say so, Mister Heckler," Jack said while Rose laughed. "Anyway, Rose is despondent."

"And you show up at her door for cuddles and sex," the Doctor said.

"No!" Jack said while Rose laughed harder. "Just give me the benefit of the doubt, okay?"

"I did until you mentioned Alien Bambi then I figured it was open season on your story after that," the Doctor.

"Doctor, let him finish," Rose said. "So I'm despondent..."

"And you turn to drugs to ease the pain."

Jack paused and noticed the Doctor's left eyebrow was climbing up his forehead.

"I know that Rose isn't a junkie in real life," he said to him.

"And you think my leaving her is enough to trigger some sort of sudden LSD addiction then?"

"Not LSD. Heroin."

Rose laughed when the eyebrow went up again. Jack waited for a sarcastic response and continued his story when the Doctor remained silent.

"So anyway…Rose is becoming a total heroin junkie and when her mom tries to help her, she runs away and lives on the streets," Jack said. "But unbeknownst to Rose, she is being watched. No, not by me!" Jack said when the Doctor pointed at him. "By…The Wishmaker!" he said dramatically. "The Wishmaker is a wizened old man who preys on people who are desperate. He pretends to grant their wishes but he turns the wishes against them."

"Sorta like the devil then," the Doctor said.

"Um…yeah, kinda like that," Jack said. "So anyway, Rose is homeless and dirty and unloved and sleeping in a cardboard box in an alley."

"Yup, you can just reach out and touch the pathos now," the Doctor said. "Rose, where's The Hunger Games?"

"Just let me finish," Jack said while Rose sniggered. "So Rose is lying there, crying her eyes out and wishing that she didn't have to feel any emotions because her heart is breaking over the Doctor. The Wishmaker hears her and decides to get his revenge on the Doctor."

"Wait, wait, wait, whoa. When did I meet this Wishmaker chap then?" the Doctor said.

"Um…in the past…sometime," Jack said.

"So he can pick Rose's voice out of millions of human voices in London which seems a bit farfetched to begin with, especially if I met him before Rose even came on board the TARDIS. Quite a tremendous feat there, Jack. Wish I could do that," the Doctor said.

"Rose was with you when you met him. You just bumped into him and didn't know who he was."

"And my bumping into him was enough to trigger this sociopathic need to get revenge on me?" the Doctor said while Rose laughed. "Damn the Doctor, he sloshed water on my shoe, I will see him hanged someday, I will!"

"Anyway," Jack said, trying to keep a straight face as the Doctor gave him a cheeky grin, "the Wishmaker comes down to the alley and pretends to be a hunched over old man. He goes up to the cardboard box where Rose is crying softly."

"And Rose screams at the creepy old codger and kicks him in the face and breaks his nose. Or at least, this Rose would," the Doctor said, pointing to Rose who nodded and snickered.

"What is wrong, my dear, the Wishmaker says to her and Rose says I wish I couldn't feel anything because the love of my life deserted me."

"And then she kicks him in the face and he bleeds," the Doctor said.

"I can help you," Jack said, ignoring him. "I can make you wish come true."

"THEN she kicks him in the face and he bleeds," the Doctor said while Rose laughed.

"No! She's heroin addicted, Doctor, and she's hungry and crying."

"Never stopped her before," the Doctor said with a shrug.

"Anyway, the old man helps her to her feet and tells her he has food and a warm place to sleep," Jack said. "Rose is so cold and sick that she takes him up on the offer. But suddenly, he brings out a cloth from his pocket and shoves it over her nose and the chloroform inside it knocks her out and he carriers her away."

"Bwhahaha," the Doctor said dryly.

"So the Wishmaker takes her on board his spaceship and he sends out a message to the TARDIS telling the Doctor that he'd like to speak with him. The message reaches the TARDIS but the Doctor doesn't answer it at first because he's in the loo wiping his big poopy butt."

Rose laughed when the Doctor narrowed his eyes at that. Jack grinned and gleefully ignored him.

"Aaah, said the Doctor. That hits the spot! I always like to have my butt clean and…what's this? Message from the TARDIS! I must go but first I must flush. And so the Doctor flushed and flushed and flushed because he had a Lincoln log in the toilet."

"Is this really necessary?" the Doctor said.

"No, but it's for all the snide comments when I tried to tell you my story. You criticized my story, you shit a brick and have a poopy butt. So there!"

"Yeah, that wounds me deeply. I'll never get over the fact that you made me had a poopy butt in your story, Jack," the Doctor said, rolling his eyes while Rose sniggered.

"So anyway, the Doctor flounced into the console room, light as Tinkerbell on his feet," Jack said while Rose laughed harder. "He was especially chipper this morning, having dumped a load in the bog…"

"Get on with it!" the Doctor said, rolling his eyes.

"So, the Doctor accessed the message and saw the face of someone he didn't know."

"Because apparently I breathed wrong on the vindictive bugger in some lift somewhere," the Doctor said.

"Who are you? The Doctor said. Ah, you do not know me? I am the Wishmaker! That's nice, hold on, gotta dump another load in the toilet!"

Rose laughed. The Doctor tried to look stern but was secretly trying not to laugh. Jack grinned at the reaction his story was getting and continued.

"There we go, another Lincoln log in the loo, the Doctor said, coming back to the console. Now, what did you want? I'm the Wishmaker and I have Rose Tyler and if you do not surrender, I will turn your junkie girlfriend into a bunch of roses!"

Rose looked at the Doctor who was now slumped in his chair, twiddling his fingers, while he stared at Jack.

"Bunch of roses?" the Doctor said. "As in actual roses?"

"Yes, he would turn her into roses because roses don't have any emotions and it would be an ironic play on her name," Jack said.

"Wow. Suddenly, I feel like dumping in the toilet now, how about you, Rose?" he said.

"You don't think it's ironic that I'd be turned into roses?" Rose teased.

"No, I think it's daft. This Wishmaker sounds like a wimp. All I'd have to do is land my TARDIS on him and splat, he'd be a smirch of goo on the floor. Not to mention Rose would kick him in the face if she wasn't strung out on heroin and suicidally depressed or did I mention that before? Anyway, on with your tale…"

"Why are you doing this to Rose, the Doctor said. Because you…kicked me in the balls one day and this is my revenge."

Rose bent over laughing as the Doctor gave Jack a wide eyed look.

"And what would have prompted me to kick an old man in the balls?" the Doctor said to Jack as Rose gasped for air. "I was having a bad day, was I?"

"He was trying to mug you," Jack said.

"Mug me? For what?" the Doctor said.

"For…oh that's right, you carry no money on you," Jack said. "Well, you wear a suit so you look rich!"

Rose laughed harder as a bemused grin spread over the Doctor's face.

"Okay…I was going to be mugged so my defense was a swift kick in an old man's bollocks. Yup, that showed him alright!" he said to Rose.

"So anyway, you were distraught because you'd been missing Rose and you'd been to Jackie's and Jackie said she didn't know where she was so you'd been looking for her."

"And yet, Old Geezer can just put his hand to his ear and pick her out of millions of voices. Damn, I wish I had his talent!" the Doctor said while Rose snickered.

"Yes, because he's much, much more better than you are," Jack said sarcastically.

"Can't be. No one is better than me," the Doctor said.

He widened his eyes when Jack suddenly gasped and made flailing motions with his hands.

"What are you doing?" the Doctor said.

"I'm drowning in your enormous ego! It's filling up the room!" Jack said.

"Ooo," Rose said when the Doctor eyed him.

"Anyway," Jack said, stopping his flailing and gasping. "Things were going badly for the Doctor and he was really in a bind…"

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