Chapter Forty One

Ianto lay on the bed that he and Jack shared on the TARDIS. Jack was off doing something so he took off his shoes and decided to take a short nap. He was wearing a navy blue t-shirt, khaki shoes and white socks. He lay on top of the tan blanket snoring softly. He frowned in his sleep when he felt someone pinching the big toe on his left foot. He stirred and opened his eyes. Jack was at the foot of the bed pinching his toe. He let up when Ianto noticed him and gave him a wide grin.

"Wake up, Ianto, I need help," he said.

"Help with what?" Ianto said.

"Teasing Rose."

"Isn't that a bit ill advised?" Ianto said.

"Nah. Rose is like a sister to me. And brothers and sisters always tease each other. So will you help me?"

Ianto shrugged. He got up and slipped into his Nikes. He looked over his shoulder when Jack grabbed the blanket, snatched it off the bed and folded it.

"Come on, she's in the living room," he said to Ianto.


"This is weird," Rose said while she watched an alien TV program.

It was a cooking show and Rose watched with disgust while a woman with a purple squid head gutted puppies for a stew. Rose made a face when she pulled the intestines out of one and put it in a big metal pot on her stove.

"And now we boil the intestines of the Bichone for approximately twenty minutes," she said as she stirred the water in her pot.

Rose gasped when suddenly a big blanket was thrown over her head. Jack quickly ran around the sofa, plopped down beside her and grabbed her in a big bear hug so she couldn't get the blanket off.

"Oh no, a blob monster is devouring Rose and only I can save her!" Jack yelled.

"Piss off, Jack!" Rose said as she tried to get the blanket off her.

"I'm sorry, what was that? Couldn't hear you through all the slime of the blob monster," Jack said.

"Clear off!" Rose yelled.

Jack snatched the blanket off her and he and Ianto ran out of the room while Rose yelled at him to keep running. She glared at the doorway for a moment before she turned her attention back to the cooking show. She glanced at Ianto when he came into the room.

"Hey, Ianto," Rose said. "Jack is really annoying sometimes, you know? Sometimes I don't know how you put up with…"

She trailed off when Ianto went around the sofa, stopped directly behind her and put his index finger on top of her head. Rose frowned when he kept the finger there and said nothing.

"What are you doing?" Rose finally said after a moment's silence.

She gasped when Ianto smacked her head with the same hand before running out of the room.

"Oh bugger, now he has Ianto doing his dirty work!" she said, rubbing the top her head.

She relaxed and tried to watch the end of the show. It was nearly the end of the show when Jack and Ianto suddenly rushed into the room. Jack jumped in front of the TV screen, spun around and began to wiggle his butt while Ianto stood nearby. Rose gave him a jaundiced look when he began to sing loudly and off-key.


"Piss off!" Rose said trying not to laugh when Jack wiggled his butt while Ianto slapped it repeatedly.


"Right! Dream on, ya wanker!" Rose said, grinning.

"Come on, Yan, slap harder. Rose isn't titillated yet!" Jack said to Ianto as he continued to slap his butt.

"Poor Ianto. Pulled into this by Jack because the git was too much of a chicken to do it himself," Rose said.

"Ianto is my helpmate in all things," Jack said, looking over his shoulder at her as Ianto stopped hitting his butt and stepped back. "By the way, this cooking show sucks…just like you!"

"At least I don't shag everything in sight!" Rose said.

"No, you just shag aliens," Ianto said.

"Ooo-hoo!" Jack said, loving the shocked look on Rose's face. "Ianto has entered the fray!"

"Yeah, well…at least I'm not a glorified tea boy!" Rose teased.

"No, you're a glorified alien concubine!" Ianto teased back.

"Whoa! Nice comeback, go Ianto!" Jack said gleefully. "Get her, my attack dog!"

"At least my alien doesn't need to go shag other aliens in between shagging me," Rose said.

"It's a little hard for him to shag others when his dick is microscopic," Ianto said. "The only place it'll fit is in your microscopic vagina!"

"Is that so?" Rose said while Jack bent over laughing. "Well…"

Rose trailed off and shut her mouth.

"Well, what?" Jack said after thirty seconds of silence.

"Give me a minute, I'm thinking of something good to say!" Rose said.

"She needs time for her pea sized brain to warm up," Jack said to Ianto.

"No, that's you. You're the one that has the pea sized brain and the reason you have a pea sized brain is all the brainpower went into your wedding tackle," Rose said.

"Oh so that's why you were sucking it all night long," Jack said, "you were trying to raise your IQ, Bleach Blondie!"


Rose was about to say something when the Doctor came into the room. He paused and stared at his companions.

"Hi," the Doctor said. "Don't mind me. Just want to rest for awhile. Carry on with what you were doing."

Jack, Rose and Ianto glanced at each other while the Doctor settled into the chair beside the sofa with a sigh of relief and picked up a newspaper from the table beside him. He opened it up and held it up in front of him while he scanned the news.

"He said to carry on with what we were doing," Jack said with a shrug. "Anyway, ROSE TYLER, YOUR TITS ARE LOPSIDED!"

Everyone looked at the Doctor as he slowly lowered the newspaper and gave Jack a shocked look.

"What?" he said.

"You said to carry on with what we were doing," Jack said innocently.

"You were criticizing Rose's breasts before I walked in?" the Doctor said.

"Among other things," Jack said with a shrug.

"Humans," the Doctor muttered as he went back to perusing his newspaper.

"So, what about your tits?" Jack said to Rose, loving the fact that the Doctor was trying to ignore them.

"My tits are none of your business!" Rose said primly.

"Why?" Ianto said. "Did the Doctor tattoo his name on them?"

Jack giggled when the Doctor lowered the newspaper again and looked at Ianto.

"And you're joining in as well?" the Doctor said.

"I was forced to do it," Ianto said.

"Oh right, like I just forced you to say that the Doctor tattoos his name on Rose's tits," Jack said, pointing to Rose's breasts.

"Jealous?" Rose said.

"Of what?" Jack said.

"That your name isn't tattooed on my breasts."

"No, because my name is tattooed on the Doctor's…breasts."

The Doctor lowered the newspaper again while Jack and Rose giggled.

"So now I'm being added to your sexual fantasies?" he said.

"We're teasing each other and…ah!" Rose gasped when Jack lunged at her and began to poke her body.

The Doctor raised his eyebrow while he tried to see what Jack was doing to Rose. He got up from his chair, walked over and leaned in. Rose laughed when Jack froze with his finger on her belly.

"Are you the referee?" Jack asked him.

"Just making sure your fingers don't stray in the wrong direction," the Doctor said.

"Ooo, Doctor's jealous now, Jack," Rose said. "You shouldn't have touched me."

Jack grinned and poked the Doctor in the chest.

"I poked the Oncoming Storm, how's about that for bravery?" Jack said to Rose.

"Yeah? Well, I porked the Oncoming Storm, so ha ha!" Rose retorted.

"Rose, that wounds me deeply," Jack said, leaning back up. "Now I must go and have a manly cry on Ianto's shoulder."

He walked over to Ianto, laid his head on his shoulder and Ianto patted his back while he sobbed loudly. The Doctor glanced at Rose and Rose laughed when he shook his head. Jack made several snorting noises before wailing loudly into Ianto's shoulder.

"There, there, Jack. All will be well," Ianto said.

The Doctor grinned. He put the newspaper down, got up and took his sonic out of his pocket. He walked over to Jack and Jack stopped his pretend crying when the Doctor scanned the back of his head.

"Hmmm," the Doctor said, looking at his readout. "Seems Jack's brain has turned to mush and he's gone off his trolley. Might have guessed. Now I s'pose I'll have to chuck him into the Belagana Home for Weird People for treatment. Shame, he was so useful to me."

Jack gave the Doctor a wry look when he put his sonic back in his pocket and went back to his chair. He waited till the Doctor sat down and then flounced over and sat down on his lap. The Doctor grunted as Rose and Ianto laughed.

"Tell me a story, Uncle Bimbo!" Jack said to the Doctor in a high-pitched voice.

"Once upon a time, there was a big fat arse that sat on the Doctor's lap and broke him. The end," Rose said.

"No one asked you!" Jack yelled at her.

"Jack, get off my lap before I twist your bollocks off your body!" the Doctor said.

Rose laughed when Jack leapt up, ran over and hid behind Ianto. Rose got up and sat on the Doctor's lap.

"There, is this better?" she said.

"No, but you're lighter than Jack is."

"Hear that, Blubber Bum?" Rose said to Jack. "The Doctor has spoken and…"

She shut up and looked at the Doctor when he tried to get up from the chair. She tickled his chin and got up. The Doctor stood up, walked to the sofa, lay down and stretched out.

"Ooo, hogging the sofa now. That's not nice!" Jack said. "And he has no blanket, let's keep him warm siblings!"

The Doctor quickly sat up when his three companions rushed to the sofa and tried to sit on him. They all sat down around him and leaned in close.

"Companion love," Jack said as he put his head on the Doctor's left shoulder.

Rose put her head on the other shoulder and Ianto put his head on Jack's left shoulder. The Doctor looked at all his companions and grinned when he suddenly let out a loud fart. He chuckled when everyone except him jumped up and ran for the door.

"Guess that showed them," the Doctor said. "Now, back to my newspaper."

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