Chapter Forty Two

"Finally!" Rose said as she, Jack and Ianto pulled the Doctor inside the TARDIS. "Get him to his bedroom. Whatever those bastards did to him, I hope it wears off."

Ianto closed the door and locked it before he followed the others. They had just narrowly escaped a mad scientist who decided the Doctor would be good to experiment on. He had put several chemicals in the Doctor's system before the others rescued him. Rose ordered the TARDIS to go as they went by the console and the TARDIS started herself up and went into the vortex. The Doctor walked with them but he barely comprehended what was going on.

"Are we getting ice cream now?" he said, looking around in a daze.

"No, Doctor, not right now," Rose said with false cheerfulness while inside she was seething at the fact that the Doctor had been drugged into insensibility.

The Doctor looked intently at Jack while they walked. Jack frowned and turned his head to look at him.

"You look like ice cream," the Doctor said to him. "Can I eat you?"

"Don't even answer that, Harkness," Ianto said from behind when he noticed Jack was considering whether or not to say anything.

Suddenly the Doctor stopped short and Rose and Jack gasped when they nearly stumbled. The Doctor stood there with wide eyes.

"What am I doing?" he said.

"Walking," Jack said.

"Is that so? Why would I do that when I could use my wings?" the Doctor said, looking at his feet.

"Blimey, they really doped him up," Rose said with an angry sigh. "Come on, Doctor, have a lie down now."

"Gunga!" the Doctor said to her.

"What's that mean?" Rose said.

"It means gunga," the Doctor said. "Duh!"

"Like I said, into bed with ya," Rose said as she and Jack pulled on the Doctor's arms to get him to move.

"Hey, you're going to pull my arms off!" the Doctor said angrily.

"Well, move then!" Rose replied angrily.

"I can't. My feet are nailed to the floor!"

"No, they're not, Doctor. Just lift your leg up and you'll see," Rose said.

The Doctor lifted his leg and stared at it in wonder while Jack and Rose held onto his arms. The Doctor put his leg back down and lifted it up again then put his leg back down and lifted it up again.

"Doctor, please move," Rose said, trying to be patient since she knew the Doctor wasn't in his right mind at the moment.

She and Jack gasped when he suddenly zoomed away, yelling at the top of his lungs as he waved his arms around. He reached the end of the corridor and stopped suddenly, staring at the wall in front of him. Rose, Jack and Ianto ran up to him while he stared at the wall and scratched his head. The three companions stopped behind him while he walked to the wall and kept on walking as he tried to walk through it.

"Doctor, this way," Rose said, pointing to the corridor directly to the Doctor's left.

The Doctor turned and jumped back in shock.

"Whoa! When did this get here? It appeared out of nowhere!" he said. "This house is haunted!"

He looked at Rose. Then his eyes slowly drifted down to her breasts and he poked her right one.

"Squishy," he said, poking it again.

"Doctor, stop! Jack, stop that!" she said to Jack when he started giggling.

The Doctor poked her breast again and then put his chin on top of it and held it there while Rose sighed.

"You smell like strawberries," the Doctor said, glancing up at Rose.

"Um…thanks," Rose said.

"I hate strawberries," the Doctor said.

Jack chortled while Rose rolled her eyes and put her hands on the Doctor's cheeks. She lifted his head off her breast. The Doctor leaned forward until he was inches from her face. Then his tongue snaked out and licked her nose.

"Doctor!" Rose said, backing up while Jack giggled.

"I'm hungry. Do you have ice cream?" the Doctor said to her.

"Yes, ice cream is in your bedroom. Go and get some," Rose said.

She gasped when the Doctor zoomed away again.

"ICE CREEEEEEEEEAM!" he howled as he reached the end of the corridor and disappeared around the corner.

Rose let out a curse and ran after him. Ianto looked at Jack who was giggling insanely.

"Shouldn't you follow him?" Ianto asked Jack.

"Um, as soon as I get over the giggles," Jack said.


"Doctor?" Rose said as she walked down a corridor. "Doctor, where are you? Show yourself!"


Rose had just passed by a door and she heard the Doctor's voice behind her and turned just in time to see the door slam shut. Rose sighed and went back to the door. She expected it to be locked and was surprised when she opened it easily. She peeked inside and saw a simulated beach. It was a bright sunny day, warm and inviting, and the waves splashed onto the crystal white sand. Scattered on the beach were deck chairs and beach umbrellas. Rose stepped inside and looked around but she couldn't see the Doctor anywhere.

"Oh please say you didn't go in the water and drown," Rose muttered as she headed towards the waves.

Rose walked towards a rainbow colored beach umbrella that was on its side. She was almost to it when the Doctor popped up from behind it. Rose noticed he wasn't wearing his shirt, jacket or tie anymore. Then he stepped away from the umbrella and Rose realized he wasn't wearing anything. Rose stopped and watched as the Doctor stomped around in a circle while he sang loudly.

"Oh, I'm in the altogether and there's nothing better! I'm naked as a bird and I made a little turd!"

The Doctor pointed back to the umbrella when he said he made a turd and Rose made a face as she hoped he didn't shit right on his clothes. The Doctor stared at Rose for a moment and then he looked down, took his penis in his hand and looked at Rose again.

"This is mine," he said, pointing to the penis with his free hand.

"Yup," Rose said, praying he wasn't going to start masturbating with it.

"It's detachable. Time Lord penis, you know."

Rose raised her eyebrow wondering for a moment if he was being serious. She watched while the Doctor turned, walked down to the edge of the beach and she turned her head away when he peed in the waves.

"Blimey, you're gonna be so embarrassed when you sober up," Rose muttered to herself.

She turned her head back around and was startled because the Doctor was now in front of her with his hands on his hips.

"You didn't watch me make lemonade," he said to her.

"Um…no, I was being polite," Rose said.

"You're my companion, aren't you? You're supposed to help me whenever possible."

"Help you pee?" Rose said.

"Yes, I need my hands free to…um…do things. You must hold the royal ding dong because that's what I hired you for."

Rose bit her lip trying not to laugh, especially since the Doctor had a stern look on his face.

"I'm sorry, your highness," Rose said. "I should have held the… royal ding dong," she said.

"It is okay, my serf," the Doctor said, patting her on the head. "I forgive thee for thy transgressions. You shall not be put upon the rack and burnt upon the stake."

Rose let a giggle escape and the Doctor raised his eyebrow.

"Dare you mock my majesty, wench?" he said.

Rose took in his nakedness and smirked.

"Sorry, but you're not too regal at the moment, Emperor," she said.

She made a face when the Doctor let out a loud fart. The Doctor looked around in shock.

"What was that?" he said.

"That was you. You broke wind," Rose said.

"Never!" the Doctor said. "The royal bum is free of gaseous emissions!"

Rose giggled again and the Doctor eyed her as he put his hands on his hips.

"I am wrong about this?" he said.

"Yup, you are."

"Poppycock! Speaking of cock, this is mine," the Doctor said, pointing to his penis.

"These are mine!" Rose said, pointing to her breasts.

She sighed when the Doctor poked her right breast.

"Squishy," he said.

"Blimey, I set myself up for that one," Rose muttered.

She gasped when the Doctor started slapping out a rhythm on her breasts and she backed away and covered them.

"Hey! Give me back my bongos!" the Doctor said.

"Doctor! Tell me how to help you get back to normal!" Rose said in exasperation.

The Doctor gave her a blank look for a moment before he put his index finger in his mouth and started moving it around the inside of the mouth in a circular motion.

"What am I saying? He's not in his right mind," Rose said bitterly while the Doctor took his finger out of his mouth and stared at the saliva on it.

"Are you busy at the moment?" the Doctor said as he put his hand down.

"I'm busy trying to figure out how to return you to normal," Rose said.

"Because I noticed I'm naked and I have a penis and I'd like to put it up in your nong nong and use it now. Do you have the necessary equipment to accommodate my manly unit?"

Rose finally couldn't hold back the laughter any longer and she laughed loudly while the Doctor gave her an incensed look.

"Copulation is no laughing matter, Rose! It is a sacred union between two people who want to get it on and get funky! I do not appreciate being laughed at when I'm suggesting getting down and dirty in the sand! The very cheek! Laughing at me when I suggest getting my freak on!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Rose said, gasping for air as she tried to get herself back under control. "I'm sorry I laughed at your suggestion, Doctor."

"No need to be sorry, it was a silly suggestion!" the Doctor said cheerfully. "But all this talking has made me sleepy. I must have a kip so I will talk to you when I wake up."

Rose watched while the Doctor walked back to the beach umbrella, lay down directly on the sand and closed his eyes. Relieved that the Doctor was calming down, she walked over to him, sat down beside him and lovingly stroked his cheek while he fell asleep.


(Three hours later…)

The Doctor slowly opened his eyes and frowned. He felt a lack of clothes on his person and sand in his bum. He turned his head to the right and noticed he was on a beach. He turned his head to the left and noticed Rose was sitting beside him, quietly reading a book. He raised his head and his eyes bulged when he saw his naked body splayed out on the sand.

"Um…what is this?" he said.

"Oh thank God," Rose said, lowering the book. "Are you feeling better now?"

"Well, I would like to have clothes on my body but I s'pose I'm okay otherwise," he said, sitting up. "What happened to me? How did I get in here?"

Rose grinned at that when the Doctor gave her a confused look.

"It's a long story, Doctor, and I'm sure you'll want a chair and some clothes before you hear it. So come with me and we'll get you dressed, yeah?"

The Doctor nodded. He took her hand and stood up with Rose. He looked to his left when he stood and noticed his clothes were lying in a heap under the umbrella. He started to grab them but Rose stopped them.

"No, those have…something on them," Rose said, deciding not to mention that the Doctor did shit on his clothes. "Come with me and we'll get you some fresh clothes."

The Doctor followed her as she led him by the hand towards the door.

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