Chapter Forty Six

"Oh bloody hell; will the two of you…grow up?" Rose said.

She was sitting beside Ianto in the kitchen watching while the Doctor and Jack took seats across from each other at the dining room table.

It has started innocently enough. The four of them had taken a day off and were sitting in the living room. The Doctor and Jack started swapping stories about their lives and adventures and the topic eventually led to the types of foods they had to eat during their travels. Suddenly, the two of them were having a pissing contest about who ate the most disgusting food and did it like a man. That led them to now where the two of them decided to prove who was the manliest at eating disgusting things.

"So," Jack said as they pulled their chairs up to the table, "what are the rules?"

"One person must tell the TARDIS what food the other one is eating," the Doctor said. "Whatever the person chooses, the other person must eat all of it or lose the contest."

"Suits me fine," Jack said with a shrug. "And you can go first."

"Go first at eating or choosing the challenge?" the Doctor said.

"Choosing the challenge. Bring it on!"

The Doctor smirked at that.

"Very well. TARDIS, I request you give Jack four Doomsday Peppers."

There was a flash and a white plate appeared in front of Jack. On it were four black chili peppers.

"Ooo, interesting choice, old man. But do we get something to drink while we do this?"

"Why? Can't handle eating it without water?" The Doctor said mockingly.

"No, I want something to cleanse the pallet after each challenge."

The Doctor snorted at that but he asked the TARDIS to give Jack a tall glass of water and one of milk. Two glasses appeared behind the plate as requested and Jack nodded. Rose pulled her chair close to the Doctor.

"Since you're going ahead with this stupid challenge, I might as well ask…what are Doomsday peppers?"

"Chili peppers, you can't see that?" the Doctor said, pointing to them.

"I mean, what makes them so gross or dangerous or whatever it is that prompted you to make Jack eat them."

"Doomsday peppers are the hottest known peppers in the universe. One bite feels like a fire raging in your mouth which is why the wimp requested water," the Doctor said, sneering.

"I requested it so I can throw it on you when I win," Jack said.

"Yeah, yeah, get on with it, Chicken Boy," the Doctor said, gesturing to the peppers.

Jack grinned and picked up one of the peppers. He paused with it midway up to his mouth when Ianto pulled up his chair beside Rose.

"Hey, you're on my team," Jack said to him.

Ianto sighed, and pushed the chair over to Jack's side and sat back down.

"Come on, Harkness, eat it!" the Doctor said.

"I'm going to," Jack said testily.

He hesitated a moment and took a big bite out of the pepper. Rose noticed that his eyes started to water almost immediately and he got a stricken look on his face but Jack kept on chewing bravely and acting like it was no big deal. The Doctor sneered at that.

"New rule," he said. "The other party must eat the same thing to prove they can do it."

He picked up another pepper, popped the entire thing in his mouth and calmly chewed it with a smile on his face. Rose watched him but unlike Jack who was crying tears of pain, the Doctor showed no signs of discomfort. He finished chewing and swallowed.

"Ah, glad I'm not human," he said, picking up a second pepper and popping it in his mouth.

Jack finally couldn't stand it anymore and he grabbed the glass of milk and chugged it. Milk dribbled down his chin and onto his neck but Jack didn't pause to wipe anything off. He finished the whole glass and gasped as he slammed the empty glass down on the table.

"Okay, I'm done," he said, putting the half-eaten pepper back on the plate. "You win."

"So soon? That wasn't much of a challenge," the Doctor said. "How about we keep score? 10 out of 10 and the person that gets the higher score wins."

"On one condition."

"And that one condition is…" the Doctor said.

"We don't eat each other's bodily secretions," Jack said.

"You mean I can't defecate in a bowl and gloat while you eat it?"

"No," Jack said while he sniggered.

"Very well, no fecal matter or anything that will cause disease," the Doctor said. "To be honest, I wasn't keen on drinking your urine. So…continue?"

"Bring it on. Oh, thanks," Jack said when the TARDIS refilled the milk glass.

"Your turn to choose then," the Doctor said.

"Hmmm…okay, how about six Earth slugs?" Jack said to the TARDIS.

A white plate appeared in front of the Doctor with six plump, black slugs on them. Rose made a face when the Doctor popped them in his mouth one right after the other and swallowed them whole. A plate appeared in front of Jack with six more slugs and the Doctor waited while he did the same.

"Rose, you are aware you kiss those lips, right?" Jack said, pointing to the smug grin on the Doctor's face.

"Yes and now I'm gonna have second thoughts before kissing," Rose said.

"Same here," Ianto added while Jack contemplated eating the slugs on his plate. He picked up one and made a face when he felt its wet, squirmy body in his fingers.

"Well? You issued the challenge," the Doctor said. "You forgot I said we both had to eat whatever was chosen? Eat the slug, Harkness."

Jack put it in his mouth and made a face while he swallowed it.

"One down, five more to go," the Doctor said.

"You win," Jack said, pushing the plate away.

"Oho, you mean to tell me you were spouting off a bunch of bullshit earlier?" the Doctor said. "Boasting about all the exotic things you ate but never ate? Your mouth is writing checks your body can't cash, as they say."

"Try me then," Rose said.

The Doctor studied her for a moment.

"You dare challenge me?" he said.

"Bring it on," Rose said.

"Yeah, try Rose," Jack said.

"Very well. A mundinga please, TARDIS."

There was a flash and a white plate appeared by the Doctor. On the plate was a lime colored fruit that resembled a grapefruit. The Doctor gestured to it.

"Bon appetite," he said to her.

"That's it; you want me to eat this?" Rose said.

"All of it. Eat every last bite or I win."

There was another flash and a knife and spoon appeared next to the plate. Rose moved her chair up to the table and used the knife to cut into it. She gasped when she pulled the knife out of the fruit and saw a paste similar to snot on it.

"What is this?" Rose said, making a face.

"The pulp is very gooey and resembles phlegm and it has a horrible smell and taste. They feed this stuff to prisoners on Klaturn because the general public can't stand to eat it. Have fun!"

"And let me guess, you were a prisoner on Klaturn and this is what you ate."

The Doctor smirked and winked at her. Rose cut a wedge out and made a face when the pulp dripped onto the plate. Then the smell hit her nose and she recoiled.

"Oh God, it smells like rotten eggs," Rose said while the Doctor shook with silent laughter. "You ate this thing?"

"I sure did. Now…put your money where your mouth is, Tyler," he said, pointing to the gooey pulp.

He watched gleefully while Rose used the spoon to scoop up some of the pulp. She pinched her nose shut to keep out the horrid smell while she raised the spoon to her mouth. She paused with the spoon a few inches from her mouth.

"Go on, Ms. Mouthy, eat it," the Doctor said.

She put the spoon in her mouth and ate the pulp. The spoon clattered to the floor and the Doctor giggled insanely when she put her hand over her mouth, leap up, ran over to the sink and spit out the pulp.

"That is disgusting! You ate that?" Rose said while she reached up into the cabinet for a glass.

"Every day for two years," the Doctor said smugly.

He snickered when Rose filed the glass with water and chugged it down.

"And now for Ianto," the Doctor said, turning his head towards him.

"Nope, not gonna do it. I'm not that stupid," Ianto said.

"So I win as usual," the Doctor said with supreme smugness. "Well…better go up and check the console. Have a wonderful day!"

He got up, put his hands in his pockets and whistled as he walked out of the room.



Rose looked at the Doctor when he walked into the living room. She was sitting on the sofa watching TV. She gave him a wary look when she noticed he had his hands behind his back.

"Yeah?" she said.

The Doctor brought his hands around his body and Rose saw a plate with a steak and baked potato on it and a glass of milk.

"To make up for having to eat the mundinga earlier," he said.

Rose began to salivate when the smells of cooked meat and baked potato hit her nostrils. She breathed it in, looking at the butter, sour cream and chives slathered on the potato. She took the fork and knife that were lying on the plate and prepared to eat. Then she had a thought and gave him another wary look.

"Steak isn't filled with maggots, is it?" she said.

"No, no ,no ,no, I wouldn't do that. You're right, today was a bit childish."

Rose chuckled.

"Yeah, but it was totally worth it to see Jack's eyes water when he tried to eat the Doomsday Pepper."

The Doctor chuckled.

"Yeah. That'll teach him to run his gob in future. Anyway, bon appetite. Enjoy your steak."

"Stay!" Rose said, grabbing his hand when he started to walk away. "Hang out with me while I eat."

"Okey-dokey," the Doctor said.

Rose smiled when he laid his hand on her head before he walked around the coffee table and sat down beside her.

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