Chapter Forty Seven

"Blondie!" Jack called as he came through the living room door.

"Call me! Call me on the line, call me, call me anytime," Rose sang as she kept her eyes on the book she was reading.

"I'm sorry?" Jack said, walking over to her.

"You keep calling me Blondie, so I thought I'd start singing one of their songs," Rose said, looking up at him.

"Heh, funny," Jack said. "Anyway, come to the console room. His Lord High Bubble Butt wants us to assemble."

He gave her a cheesy grin when Rose cocked her eyebrow.

"Is that what we're calling him now?" she said.

"It's either that or Captain Flappy Lips."

"Yeah, anyway, why does the Doctor want us in the console room?"

"He has received a message and wants us to hear it."

Rose sighed, put down her book and followed Jack out of the room.

"Come along, my faithful companion," Jack said as he strode down the corridor. "You know you're really my companion after all."

"Yeah, keep dreaming, Jack."

They entered the console room. The Doctor was standing with his back to the console, leaning against it while he held a glowing cube in his hands. Ianto was across from him sitting on the jump seat.

"I have received a message," he said.

"How?" Rose said as they walked up to him. "I thought we were in the vortex."

"These cubes are designed to find anyone, anywhere by tracing their energy signature. Many planets used them for long distance messages."

"So, what does the message say?" Rose said.

"I'm Emperor of Poopy."

"I'm sorry?" Rose said, not sure she heard right.

"Emperor of the planet Poopy. I have been made Emperor for a day in gratitude for saving their planet."

"Their planet is called Poopy?" Rose said.

"It doesn't mean that on their planet," the Doctor said when Jack snorted out laughter. "Not all planets use the word poopy to mean feces."

"Fine, fine, but when did you save them? I don't remember going to planet Poopy."

"I saved them in my fifth life."

"And they just got around to making you emperor now?" Rose said.

"Well, it took a while for the message cube to find me. I do move around a lot, you know," the Doctor said with a shrug.

"And are you going to accept this long overdue honor or are you just going to say fuck you as always and fly away," Jack said.

"I don't say fuck you to anyone, Jack," the Doctor said, incensed, while Rose giggled. "When have I ever said fuck you to anyone?"

"I meant it metaphorically," Jack said.

"Forgive him, Doctor, he's not known for his tact," Ianto said.

"Point taken," the Doctor said to him. "And I wasn't going to accept the honor, no."

"Oh come on, do this," Rose said. "They're trying to thank you. Jack's right, quit pretending to be so humble and do this."

"Pretending?" the Doctor said.

"Yes, pretending," Jack said. "Your ego is as big as this TARDIS but yet, you're always saying, oh no, you mustn't thank me, no really, I don't want your praise but you're always on our backs in here saying worship me, worship me!"

Rose laughed when the Doctor shot her an exasperated look.

"Anyway, moving on before I say something I'll regret," the Doctor said. "You're telling me to do this?"

His companions looked at each other and nodded.

"Then you have to do it with me," the Doctor said smugly.

"We weren't invited," Jack said.

"I'm emperor for a day, I can do what I like and I nominate you as my staff."

"Will the people of Poopy agree to that," Ianto said.

"I'm emperor for a day. I will do what I like."

"Yeah, you're right, Jack. The ego is coming out now," Rose said.


After determining when the message was first sent, the Doctor traveled back in time to the day after it was sent. When they stepped outside the TARDIS, they were on the balcony of a grand castle. The castle was made of brown sandstone blocks and was about five stories high. The view from the balcony was the surrounding countryside. There were houses nestled in some of the hills, also made of sandstone blocks with brown tiles for roofing. In front of them was a large arched doorway that led into a room. The room was obscured by red velvet drapes. The Doctor and his companions moved towards the drapes but suddenly a bunch of men wearing velvet uniforms and leather boots ran through the curtain with spears and pointed them directly at the intruder's throats. The Doctor and his friends held up their hands.

"We're unarmed. I'm the Doctor. I came to answer the invitation to be emperor for a day," the Doctor said. "Don't run your honorary emperor through please!"

The guards looked unsure. They backed up slightly but still kept their spears aimed at the intruders.

"The Doctor was blonde, I saw him," one guard said.

"Yes, well, I regenerate and that was five lives back. I just now got your emperor's message," the Doctor said. "Sorry, I'm late and all. May I speak to the emperor?"

"Go get his highness," an old guard said to a younger one.

The young one nodded and ran off the balcony. Ten minutes later the curtains parted and the guards bowed their heads respectfully when a plump man stepped onto the balcony. He was in his late 50's, short brown hair and a handlebar mustache. He had a bulbous nose and plump cheeks. He was dressed in a red jacket, black trousers and boots, a red, velvet, white fur trimmed cape and on his hand was a large pointed crown that had jewels embedded around the base of it.

"Emperor Argento," the Doctor said, bowing.

Argento stared at him then he looked at the TARDIS and looked back at the Doctor.

"You were blonde," he said.

The Doctor sighed and explained what happened. Argento looked even more perplexed.

"You regenerated between yesterday and today?" he said.

The Doctor explained even more and Argento shook his head. He ordered the guards to lower their weapons and he walked over and took his hand while they did that.

"I'm not sure I fully understand but if you are the Doctor, the offer still stands. You shall take my place for a day and be ruler over my people."

"Fine but perhaps my friends can help me out? Do you have positions for them as well?" the Doctor said, gesturing to his companions.

Argento studied them.

"What positions do you have in mind?" he said.

"Um…" the Doctor said, looking at his friends.

"Daddy!" Jack said, spreading his arms out for a hug.

"No, you are not my son," the Doctor said.

Jack blew him a raspberry while Rose giggled. The Doctor looked at Rose and put his index finger on the top of her head.

"My consort, the queen!" he said to Argento.

"Um…well, we haven't had a queen in centuries but perhaps we can find an old outfit for her to use," Argento said. "And them?" he said, pointing to the men.

"Ianto…can be my advisor. And Jack…"

"Daddy!" Jack said, spreading his arms wide.

The Doctor stared at him for a moment and then spun around.

"Jack can be my court jester," he said.

"How dare you do that to your own son?" Jack said while Rose sniggered. "I was next in line, Daddy!"

"Anyway…" the Doctor said while his three companions giggled. "Ignore him, those are my requests."

"That is sufficient, Doctor. Now if you'll follow me, we will give you your outfits and then you can begin your twenty four hour reign!"

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