Chapter Forty Eight

"Oh, hell no!"

Rose grunted when one of the royal attendants put the crown on her head. They'd managed to find it from somewhere since it and everything else had two inches of dust on it. There was a long purple dress trimmed in gold with a matching cape that was trimmed with spotted white fur, purple slippers and a small gold scepter that had a gold globe on top of it. Those things were fine. The crown was the problem. The pointed solid gold crown had a humongous diamond in the center of the points. The diamond weighed about thirty five pounds and when the attendant put it on Rose's head; she thought her neck would be compressed.

"This weights a ton. How the hell did the queen wear this all day?" Rose said, wincing at the headache it was giving her.

"She had a strong neck, I'm told," the attendant said.

"Apparently so," Rose said.

She left the dressing room and smiled when she saw Ianto. He was wearing a purple velvet outfit with a gold tunic. On the tunic was the emblem of Poopy, a serpent curled around a scepter. Ianto stared at the diamond while Rose walked over to him.

"Um…that looks heavy," Ianto said, pointing to it.

"You have no idea," Rose said.

"Holy shit! Look at the size of that thing!"

They turned and saw Jack walking towards them with a male attendant following. He was dressed in a purple and yellow jesters outfit complete with pointed hat.

"When I say look at the size of that thing, I was referring to Ianto's goods," he said to Rose. "Damn, girl. How do you keep your head up wearing that thing?"

"I'm going to put a steel rod in my neck," Rose said dryly while Jack sniggered.

"But…you must come out of there!"

They turned to the right when they heard a male's voice.

"I will not go out looking like this!" they heard the Doctor saying. "I look ridiculous!"

"Ought oh, someone else isn't happy about their outfit," Jack said.

"Sir, please come out of there!" the attendant said.

There was a moment of silence before a sullen Doctor emerged from a doorway. Jack sniggered when he saw him. He was dressed in a gold outfit with a matching gold cape that was trimmed with purple fur. He had on black leather boots that had the emblem of Poopy on both sides of them. But on his head was a teeny tiny crown that was about 3 inches across and four inches high. In his hand he carried a tiny branch. He walked over to Jack and glared at him while he still kept on laughing.

"What's with the mouse crown?" Jack said when he regained his composure.

"They informed me that since I am not the real emperor, I cannot wear anything resembling his crown and scepter so they gave me the mouse crown, as you put it, and this branch."

The Doctor looked at Rose and his eyes bulged when he saw the diamond.

"Would you like to swap?" Rose said. "I'll gladly wear your mouse crown if you wear this."

"On second thought, mouse crown is good," the Doctor said. "So…they told me we must go to the throne room now so follow me, my queen, my advisor and MY FOOL!" he said, giving Jack a pointed look.

"At least I'm not wearing a mouse crown," Jack said before turning around and following him.


"This is pants!" the Doctor said when he realized he would be in the throne room but instead of sitting on the elegant gold and gem encrusted throne, he would sitting on a wooden stool beside it. Another stool was provided for Rose and the two of them sat side by side on a marble dias while Jack and Ianto stood nearby.

"And this is it?" Rose said, looking around at the elegant throne room. "Nothing else, eh? Just sitting here pretending to be royalty."

"Works for Lizzy, doesn't it?" the Doctor quipped. "But I s'pose if we're here…Jack, entertain my consort and me."

"By doing what?" Jack said.

"I don't know, you're the fool. Think of something," the Doctor said.

Jack looked at Ianto before he walked out in front of the Doctor and Rose. He cleared his throat and began to sashay around the white and black streaked marble floor.

"I've got diarrhea in my pants!" he sang as he danced. "I was too late to use the potted plants. Won't someone come and wipe my butt. How about you, my slut?" he said, pointing to Rose. "Gimme gimme gimme toilet paaaaapeeeeer-ah!"

He stopped and Rose laughed when the Doctor gave him a withering look.

"You said it was my choice on how to entertain you," Jack said, shrugging.

"Advisor! Off with his head?" the Doctor said to Ianto.

"Which head?" Ianto said.

Jack put his hand over his crotch when the Doctor's eyes drifted down there.

"Don't do anything to Jack Jr," Jack said, pointing to the Doctor with his free hand.

"Jack Jr?" the Doctor muttered while Rose giggled.

"Look! I'll do something else!" Jack said.

He danced around in a circle, singing "La, la, la" while everyone watched. He finished up with a "Yeah!" and jazz hands before taking a bow.

"Advisor! Now do we kill him?" the Doctor said to Ianto.

"I advise torture, sire. Perhaps get a rusty knife and dig his eyeballs out?"

"Ianto!" Jack said while Rose laughed. "Thanks a hell of a lot!"

"I'm his advisor," Ianto said with a shrug. "You suck at entertaining so that's my advice to my king."

"Can I use Ianto in my act?" Jack said to the Doctor. "I could kick him in the balls and stomp on them while I sing Maria from West Side Story."

"No," the Doctor said. "Anyway, it's snog time with my consort. So…"

Rose gave him a startled look when she heard that. The Doctor scooted around towards her and leaned in. Jack raised his eyebrow when they began to snog. He smiled and walked over towards Ianto.

"I'm on duty," Ianto said when Jack puckered up his lips.

"Bullshit. Snog me too!" Jack said.

"Sire, permission to snog?" Ianto said to the Doctor.

"Nuh nuh," the Doctor said into Rose's mouth.

"I believe that's a no," Ianto said to Jack.

"No, he said uh-huh, that was a yes," Jack said. "Anyway, like it or not, advisor, prepared to be ravaged."

"Nuh nuh," the Doctor said again into Rose's mouth.

"What the fuck are you saying? Quit spelunking for Rose's tonsils and clarify!" Jack said.

The Doctor sighed and came up for air.

"You are not to touch my advisor," the Doctor said. "Is that clarification enough?"

"No, because Ianto is mine and I can do what I want with him!"

Jack's mouth fell open when a big snort came out of Ianto's mouth.

"Oh yeah? How'd you like my pointy hat up your butt, Jones?" Jack said. "Snort once more and…"

He felt a tap on his shoulder and turned. His eyes bulged when the Doctor grabbed his face and planted his lips on Jack's.

"There, now be quiet!" the Doctor said, walking back to his stool.

"Wait, whoa! Get back here and do that again!" Jack said while Rose laughed. "Come here and give me a royal BJ! Now!"

"Yawn, sleepy," the Doctor said, laying his head on Rose's shoulder and closing his eyes.

Rose grabbed his mouse crown when it slipped off his head. She took off her own crown, breathing a sigh of relief at the loss of weight, put it down on the floor and put the mouse crown on her own head.

"Are you planning insurrection?" the Doctor said, his eyes still closed.

"No, I'm planning a break from this fourteen stone nightmare beside me," Rose said, pointing to the crown.

The Doctor was about to say something more about usurping his power when Argento came into the room.

"Doctor, you and your friends come with me. You must address my people," he said to them.

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