Chapter Sixty

Jack snickered as he and Ianto stood near the door that led into the console room. The Doctor was repairing something underneath the console, his left foot flicking lazily while he lay on the grate and did his repairs.

"Now it's my turn to have some fun with the little schlub," Jack said to Ianto. "I'm gonna completely confuse the hell outta the poor bastard."

"Just as long as he doesn't section you," Ianto said.

"Section me for what? Being a dumbass? I've watched him be a bigger dumbass than I can ever be so if he sections me for this, he'll have to go in alongside me. Now just keep to the shadows and watch."

"Watch what?" Rose said as she walked up to them. "Fantasizing about the man you can't have?"

"Yes and his lithe little bod," Jack said. "Just watch the fun. I'm gonna play a game called confuse the hell outta the Time Lord. Stay here with Ianto and don't make any noise."

"You know he's doing repairs, right?" Rose said when she looked into the console room. "And he might not appreciate the interruption? Remember the time you interrupted him in his ninth life and he nearly rammed a spanner up your nose?"

"That was Mister Grumpy Pants, this incarnation is Mister Funtime!" Jack said. "Now stay here and watch while I do my thing."

"I have a feeling his "thing" is about to get him killed," Rose said to Ianto when Jack walked out into the console room.


The Doctor smiled when he finished soldering another wire into place. He finished repairing the harmonic transducer. The device had been going a bit wonky lately and he had to put his ship into the vortex so he could fix it. He lowered his sonic and surveyed his handiwork.


The Doctor jerked his head up when he heard Jack howl and he saw him flinging his greatcoat onto the jump seat.

"Let's get this pah-tay started!" he said before he began to wiggle his hips furiously.

The Doctor slid out of the way of the console and sat up, watching while Jack strutted around the room in a circle while he sang a song…

I'm the greatest thing on Earth," he sang while he strutted. "The heavens sang when my mum gave birth! I want to shimmy my little butt because I am a shameless slut!"

He moved his hips around while he put his hands on his head. The Doctor watched in shock as he pranced around, thrusting his groin out while he chanted, "CHUNKY MONKEY, CHUNKY MONKEY!" over and over.

"Jack, are you feeling well?" the Doctor said, standing up.

"I'm feeling well, that is no lie," Jack sang as he strutted around. "From the top of my head to my luscious thigh. Now come over here and give me a lick and wiggle around on my pogo stick!"

Just beyond the back door, Ianto and Rose were trying not to laugh as Jack began to dance around the Doctor.

"Ooo, my Doctor, you're so dear! Just get me drunk on booze and beer. We'll have fun all night and day. Bonk me till I want to bray!"

"Jack, I'm suspecting a severe head injury of some sort," the Doctor said. "Or you were hit with some sort of sexual perversion ray perhaps?"

"I AM GOD'S GIFT TO TIME LORDS!" Jack said as he stopped and squealed in a high-pitched voice. "AND I WANT THE LAST OF THEM AS A TROPHY! SO COME AND BE MY LOVE SLAVE, YOU HUNKY TIME LORD, YOU!"

"NOOO!" the Doctor said as Jack sashayed towards him.

"I am God's gift to you! So jump on me and screw, screw, screw!" Jack sang, squealing the last three words while he slowly chased the Doctor around the console room.

"TARDIS! Protect me from the sex fiend before he rapes me!" the Doctor yelled at the ceiling.

There was a flash and Jack stopped short when the TARDIS encased the Doctor in a force field bubble. The Doctor folded his arms over his chest and gave Jack a smug look.

"Ha!" the Doctor said.

Jack touched the bubble and gasped when it gave him a shock.

"See, no more threat of rape," the Doctor said.

He shut up when Jack grinned and began to take his clothes off in front of him.

"I'm gonna dooo a stripteeeeease!" he squealed while he threw his shirt onto the jump seat.

"Jack, don't you dare!" the Doctor said.

"I'm a slut!" Jack yelled as he pulled down the zipper on his trousers. "I'm a shameless slut and you're my man whore!"

The Doctor's head jerked to the back door when he heard Rose laughing.

"Tyler, get your arse in here and stop him!" he yelled as Jack eased his trousers down to his ankles.

"What's wrong, man whore, don't like the goods?" Jack said, pointing to his genitals.

"Rose, quit laughing, damn it, and get in here now before you lose your time traveling privileges forever!"

"Yeah!" Jack said, taking his trousers off and swinging them over his head. "You like this, don't ya, man whore? Filthy dirty alien man whore!"

The Doctor pointedly turned and folded his arms over his chest while he tried to ignore Jack. He heard Rose laughing hysterically just beyond the console room and he was thinking up ways to get back at her for her lack of assistance when Jack came around the bubble, clad in nothing except his y-fronts.

"How-do, man whore!" Jack said. "I guess you were just dazzled at the sight of my baloney pony and had to turn away to recover from the shock of seeing its grandeur. But don't worry, my kitten, I'll go easy on you."

"I can take you back to the Hub, you know," the Doctor said. "Perhaps Owen would like your baloney pony more."

"Nah, Owen's a stuck up bitch! You, on the other hand, are my willing man whore!"

"Rose! I'm giving you ten seconds to stop laughing and get the hell in here!" the Doctor yelled over his shoulder.

"Why d'ya want Rose? Fancy a three way, little kitty cat?" Jack purred.

"No, I fancy putting your head in a guillotine and watching it roll when I drop the blade."

"Ooo, sounds kinky. Which head are you referring to? This one?" Jack said, thrusting his crotch at the Doctor.

The Doctor almost cracked a smile but he managed to keep a passive expression while Jack turned, thrust out his butt and began to wiggle it.

"My ass is alive and it has a life of its own!" Jack said as he pointed at his wiggling butt. "Come and worship it!"

"Rose! Get inside here!" the Doctor yelled to the ceiling.

There was a flash and Rose gasped when the TARDIS transmatted her inside the bubble.

"Hullo," the Doctor said to her as he put his hands in his trouser pockets. "Now that you're here, let's discuss your refusal to help me with this!" he said, pointing to Jack who was now slapping his ass while he wiggled it.

"I was laughing too hard to help ya properly," Rose said.

"Ooo!" Jack said, quickly touching the bubble. "Shocks me, makes me even more horny for the man whore inside it!"

"Why me?" the Doctor said, his eyes going skyward while Rose giggled. "Why does the universe continuously shit on my head?"

"There's shit on your head?" Jack said, stopping for a moment. "Oh, so that's why your hair is spiky."

Rose bent over laughing while Jack continued to boogie around the force bubble. The Doctor suddenly closed his eyes and thought to his TARDIS. While he did this, a bright light surrounded Jack and he had time to yelp before he disappeared.

"Ah, much better," the Doctor said as the force bubble disappated.

"Where'd he go?" Rose said to him.

"Oh, I sent him to Coventry," the Doctor said.

"Given him the silent treatment then?" Rose said.

"No. I actually sent him to Coventry," the Doctor said. "Teach him a lesson. Now…I will ask the TARDIS to take us to Coventry two minutes after he arrived and…"

The TARDIS changed course. By now, Ianto had come out of hiding and came up beside Rose. The Doctor asked them to follow him and when the TARDIS stopped he walked to the door. He opened it and they heard angry shouts and screams of "PERVERT!" seconds before Jack sprinted into the TARDIS, still in his underwear.

"Damn you, Time Lord!" Jack said, ducking an apple that someone threw into the open door.

"Just letting people see how much of a man whore you are, Jack," the Doctor said, closing the door. "Now perhaps you'll think twice before doing your burlesque act again."

"Told ya you'd regret it!" Rose said, patting Jack on the shoulder before she and Ianto walked out of the room.

"I changed my mind, you're still Mister Grumpy Pants," Jack muttered before he followed them out of the room.

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