Chapter Sixty One

"Hello, everyone. I am Captain Jack Harkness," Jack said, standing in a stark white room while he addressed the fanfic reading audience. "I knew you were expecting another hilarious adventure with me, Ianto, the Doctor and Rose but I just can't take it anymore. I have to file a protest with the writer of this fanfiction about my behavior in these stories. The woman writing these stories is making me look like some sort of out of control, weirdo, sex fiend when I'm really not. Okay, so I do have an eye for the ladies…and the men…and aliens but that's what we did in the fifty first century, we loved. That didn't mean I was running around in my undies slapping my ass and chanting chunky monkey or whatever the hell the writer was making me do in that last story. Come to think of it, why am I even in these stories? I didn't meet the Doctor again till he was with Martha and Ianto never met him face to face and he certainly never traveled with him as a companion. My guess is the writer just said to hell with canon and did what she wanted. I suppose Ianto will have donkey ears and a tail next, which might not be so bad come to think of it. Anyway, I'm here to set the record straight and show everyone what I'm really like. I am a cultured man, elegant and refined and a lover of fine literature, wine and classical music. I do not jump around the Doctor and scream chunky monkey into his face. That is so not me. So…"

Jack walked out of eyesight and returned a few minutes later pushing a brown leather high back chair in front of him. He put the chair in the middle of the room and picked up a black leather bound book that was resting on it. He then snapped his fingers and Beethoven's Ninth Symphony began to play from a speaker above his head.

"That's better, more in sync with my character," Jack said. "Now I shall entertain you fanfic reading masses with a chapter from David Copperfield here," he said, pointing to the book.

He reached into his pocket, took out some wire rimmed reading glasses and sat down in the chair.

"Now…" he said, looking at the audience, "chapter one, I am born…Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show. To begin my life with the beginning of my life, I record that I was born…quack, quack, quack…"

Jack jerked his head up when his reading voice was suddenly replaced by quacking sounds.

"Ma may me mo moo," Jack said, testing his voice and finding it had returned. "Okay, I believe the writer of this fanfic is screwing with me and trying to stop me from being myself. I will, however, defy her and continue to read to you, the fanfic audience, because I will not become a base stereotype and…"

Jack trailed off when there was a sudden flash beside him and the Doctor and Ianto appeared. Both were clad only in flower garlands that were draped around their naked bodies and both wore flower wreaths on their heads. They had a hold of each other's hands and were dancing around in a circle a few feet from Jack's face. Jack looked at them and shook his head.

"No, I will not be tempted by pleasures of the flesh. I am not a wanton whore, I am an intellect…ual…" he said as he caught sight of the Doctor's ample buttcheeks mere inches from his face.

He stared, entranced at the naked dancers when suddenly there was a flash on his other side and Rose appeared, butt naked, beside him. Rose grabbed underneath her breast and began heaving them up and down while chanting "Bouncy, bouncy," over and over.

"I am not an animal. I will not be tempted by this lustful display!" Jack yelled out as the nakedness around him continued. "I am an intellectual. I will not be moved by base pleasures of the flesh!"

Jack slammed the book shut and held it close to his body, trembling with the extreme effort he was making not to pounce on all the nakedness around him.

"I will not succumb!" Jack said as the Doctor and Ianto danced and Rose heaved her breasts up and down. "I will not give in to temptation. I am better than this! I am stronger. I am…A DAMN FOOL FOR PASSING THIS UP!" he yelled as he lost all control of his senses and threw the book aside. "ORGY TIME, KIDDIES!" he yelled as his three friends laughed and ran off, yelling at him to come and get them.

Jack started to run and the paused with one foot in the air when he glanced at the audience watching.

"Eh, fuck canon!" he said before screaming out "Wait for me! I want some of that!" and running off after his naked friends.

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