DOCTOR WHO SILLY STORIES

Chapter Sixty Three

The bus stopped at Lenox Mall near JC Penny. They got out and walked inside the glass double doors. They stopped and looked around. They were at the beginning of the men's department and off to their right was a rack filled with Michael Jackson Thriller and Beat It jackets. Just beyond the rack was a huge banner hanging down from the ceiling. The banner was a huge blow up photo of the Thriller album with a caption underneath Michael that said, shop for Michael Jackson outfits and accessories at JC Penny. Jack walked over to the rack and returned with one of the Beat It jackets. Rose was a bit perplexed when he put it on her.

"There, now you're totally twins!" Jack said, pointing to her and the Doctor.

"I don't think so," Rose said, taking the jacket off and holding it out to Jack.

"What? It's a cool jacket. It'll be worth tons on Ebay when you get back to 2008," Jack said, taking it from her.

He offered it to Ianto. Ianto held up his hand and declined it.

"No one wants to be totally twins with you, Doctor," Jack said to him as he put the jacket back.

"There's you," Rose said.

"No, I already have a cool outfit," Jack said, walking back to them.

They headed further into the store. There were plenty of early 80's fashions including a shelf filled with E.T. shirts and sweatshirts. Jack snickered and held up a navy blue t-shirt. E.T.'s face, neck and shoulders was on it and underneath him was written PHONE HOME in big white letters. Jack walked over to the Doctor with it.

"Oh, this is you," Jack said as the Doctor backed away from it.

"Get that thing away from me," the Doctor said to him.

"What? It's E.T., what's wrong with him?" Jack said.

"What's wrong? What's wrong is E.T. is insulting to aliens everywhere. The thing is ugly, stupid and he let a little girl dress him like a doll and just stood there and took her abuse. I don't want anything to do with him so take the shirt away."

"How dare you? Everyone loves E.T.," Jack said as he put the shirt back. "You have no heart, Doctor!"

The Doctor put his arm around Rose and she giggled when he drew her close.

"You've seen the film, yeah?" he said softly to her.

"E.T.? Yeah, loads of times," Rose said.

"Have I ever gone into someone's house, got drunk on their beer and stumbled around in a stupor?"

"Um, you haven't when I've been with ya. Course there was Reinette."

"I wasn't drunk. I was pretending," the Doctor said. "You didn't notice how quickly I seemed to sober up?"

"No, I was thinking how idiotic the tie looked around your head."

"Tee hee. Anyway, I'm not stupid like E.T. is."

"Soooo," Rose said as they walked away from the shelf. "If I put Reece's Pieces down on the ground, you won't say "Ooo, sweets," and go munch, munch, munch while you follow the trail into my house?"

The Doctor grinned.

"Only if the end of the trail leads to your bedroom and you're naked," he whispered into her ear.

"Down boy," Rose said, patting his cheek.

Jack stopped in the women's department when he saw two mannequins standing on a dais by the pathway. One woman was blonde and the other was brunette, both of them had heavily teased hair and heavy makeup on. One was dressed in a shirt that resembled a sailor's shirt with navy blue slacks and black stilettos. The other one was wearing black slacks with a black t-shirt and gold lame jacket with black stilettos similar to the ones the other woman was wearing. Jack stared hard at them, thinking the mannequins looked a little too realistic.

"Jack, don't sexually assault the shop window dummies please," the Doctor said as he, Rose and Ianto walked up to him.

"I was just thinking they looked odd and…" Jack trailed off when the "dummies" suddenly changed the position of their hands. "Aha, live mannequins," Jack said.

He grunted when the Doctor and Rose seized hold of his arms and pretended to drag him away.

"Like I said, don't assault the shop window dummy impersonators," the Doctor teased.

"Alright, alright, I'll behave. Ladies, nice job with the mannequin routine," he said to them.

The blonde smiled and changed position so she was now miming blowing him a kiss. Jack did the same in return and winked at her before he followed the others towards the exit at the back of the store. They walked out of the store into the mall. They stopped and looked around. The floor was made of linoleum and there were a few fountains and a couple of sitting areas and some plants. Jack scratched his chin while he looked around and then he spied a KB Toy store nearby. He chuckled and walked over to it.

"Yesiree, I can buy things and sell them brand new on Ebay at a premium price," he said as he walked towards it.

"I thought there was something in the Back to the Future films about not using time travel to make a profit?" Rose said to the Doctor.

"Yes, but you do remember he was a conman, yeah?" the Doctor replied. "And we met him when he tried to sell us a Chula ambulance for a premium price? You notice how nothing ever changes with him? Sex and money, sex and money, that's the man's mantra."

They followed him to the front window of KB Toys. In the window were several Ghostbusters toys along with a large framed photo of the movie poster.

JUST ARRIVED, TOYS FROM THE HOTTEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR was written at the bottom of the movie poster.

"Ooo, Ghostbusters! I want a toy proton pack or maybe a ghost trap. Or…I could get me a Stay Puff Marshmallow man toy and irritate the Doctor with it."

"Or maybe I can purchase the ghost trap and stuff you into it," the Doctor said as he and everyone else followed Jack inside the shop.

Inside, Ianto followed Jack while Rose stayed with the Doctor. Rose smiled when she looked at the vintage 80's toys around her. Strawberry Shortcake, Care Bears, Rainbow Brite, Pac Man, Ghostbusters, Gremlins, Rubik's Cubes and other things. Rose glanced at the Doctor and noticed he was just as enchanted as she was. Then suddenly Jack came running down the aisle they were in holding a small plush E.T. in his hands.

"I am the scourge of the universe," Jack said in a deep voice as he thrust E.T. into the Doctor's face. "I am the Doctor's greatest foe! I am evil beyond all reason."

"Bang on, now get that thing away from me," the Doctor said while Rose giggled.

"Here, E.T. needs protection," Jack said, giving it to Rose. "And now…I will find me a Gizmo to play with!"

The Doctor shook his head when Jack ran back out of the aisle. He made a face when he noticed Rose was cuddling the plush doll.

"Traitor," he said to her.

"Be good," Rose said, imitating E.T. while she held it up to him. "I'll be right here!"

She laughed when the Doctor snatched the E.T. from her hand, grabbed a stuffed Ernie from the metal shelf on his right and made E.T. have simulated butt sex with Ernie before throwing them back on the shelf together.

"That was vulgar," Rose chided playfully.

"E.T. is vulgar so it's my statement on how vulgar he is. And Ernie is gay; everyone keeps saying that, so he won't mind a poke up the bum from an alien. Come on then!"

He grinned when Rose bent over laughing and he got behind her and leaned her back up.

"You're evil, you are. Making poor E.T. rape Ernie, shame on you," Rose said, wagging her finger at him.

She laughed when the Doctor raised his eyebrow. He snatched a large Bedtime Bear off the shelf behind Rose and grabbed Rainbow Brite from the shelf behind him and made moaning noises for a moment while he made them have simulated sex. He threw the toys back on the shelf, stuck her tongue out at Rose and strutted away.

"I'm beginning to see why mum thinks you're a bad influence on me," Rose said before following him.

She got to the end of the aisle and gasped when the Doctor ran back into it. Jack followed him holding a blue ball with E.T.'s smiling face on it.

"Your friend and mine, Doctor!" Jack said as he chased him with it.

The Doctor snatched a stuffed Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch off the shelf beside him and held them out to Jack.

"Stop! Or Oscar the Grouch will have plushie sex with Big Bird!" he said.

Jack froze and Rose laughed when he gave the Doctor an odd look.

"Oscar will do what to Big Bird?" he said while Rose laughed harder. "That's disgusting. Don't make Sesame Street people sexually assault each other."

"Then leave me alone with that E.T. ball," the Doctor said.

Jack glanced at the shelves and grabbed a stuffed Grumpy Bear off it.

"Here, this is Deranged Alien Bear," he said, tossing it to the Doctor. "He's angry because he doesn't like deranged aliens. Maybe you can be friends with him."

Rose grabbed a purple bear that had a little gold padlock on its chest.

"This is Secret Bear," she said, giving it to the Doctor. "Tell him all your secrets and he'll listen to you."

The Doctor put Grumpy Bear back on the shelf along with Big Bird and Oscar and took Secret Bear from Rose.

"Hello, Secret Bear," he said, holding the toy to his chest. "I have a secret for you. Human beings are bizarre, especially ones from the 51st century. They like to torment me for no good reason and make me force plushies to commit sodomy with each other. But you won't tell anyone, will ya? Because we're best friends always."

"Geez," Jack said while Rose laughed.

The Doctor cuddled Secret Bear against his cheek while he walked past Rose and Jack.

"I'm glad I found someone I can confide in," the Doctor said to the bear while Rose and Jack followed him. "I need someone here who can sympathize with my need to make plushies rape each other. You won't tell the authorities I do that, will ya, Secret Bear? Because I might have to enslave you to E.T. and make you his sex slave. Or…even worse…Jack's sex slave. You wouldn't like that, would ya, Secret Bear? That would make you cry and I hate crying plushy bears."

"And he thinks I'm insane? At least I don't make plush animals anal rape each other," Jack said to Rose while they followed him towards the front of the store.

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