Chapter Sixty Four

Before leaving the store, they searched for Ianto but couldn't find him until Rose looked out the front entrance and noticed he was sitting on a wooden bench twenty feet from the shop. He was munching on a large pretzel on a stick and drinking a soda.

"Sorry, everyone, toy shops don't interest me," Ianto said when everyone walked up to him. "I saw a pretzel trolley and got something to snack on while I waited."

"Good thing you weren't in there, the Doctor was making plush things sodimize each other."

Ianto paused with his half eaten pretzel halfway to his mouth. Rose laughed when an odd look came on his face and he lowered the pretzel.

"You were doing what to plush things?" Ianto said to the Doctor.

"Jack kept shoving E.T. in my face so I became enraged and made him rape Ernie. I know it was awful but I have these hidden demons that I still need to exorcise and one of the demons is my need to make plushies have simulated sex with each other."

"Is he serious?" Ianto said to Rose while Jack grabbed the back of the bench and laughed hysterically.

"No. At least I don't think he is," Rose said while the Doctor flashed a cheesy grin. "Sometimes it's hard to tell, to be honest."

"Well, if you are telling the truth, keep your plushie fetish away from my eyes," Ianto said.

He jerked his pretzel away when Jack tried to take a bite of it. Jack gave him a hurt look and whimpered like a puppy while he pointed to it.

"No. The pretzel trolley's over there," Ianto said, pointing to a brightly decorated pretzel wagon that was positioned in front of a fountain. "Go get one if you're hungry."

"Go get one if you're hungry," Jack said mockingly.

He patted Ianto on the shoulder when Ianto gave him a dirty look before he walked towards the trolley.

"Want one? I'll buy," the Doctor said to Rose.

She nodded and they followed Jack to the trolley. There was a man standing behind it and he came around it when they approached. The trolley had a soda dispenser on one side and a glass case with a rotating spit that kept the pretzels warm while they went around. In between the two was a small cash register. Underneath the counter was a small plaque that listed the menu and prices for everything. Jack purchased a pretzel and a Coke. The man retrieved a pretzel with metal tongs and used latex gloves to put it on a wooden stick. He asked Jack if he wanted anything on the pretzel and offered choices of cheddar cheese, cream cheese or garlic butter. Jack chose cheddar cheese and the man dipped a paintbrush into a large container of warm cheddar cheese and put the cheese on one side. He handed it to Jack and then got him a large cup of Coke. He put a lid and a straw in it and Jack handed him ten dollars. He received four dollars in returned and thanked the man before he headed back to Ianto. The Doctor ordered two pretzels and Cokes. Both of them asked for cheddar cheese. Once everything was paid for, the two of them headed back to their friends while they ate and sipped their soda.

"So where should we go next?" Jack said while they sat on the bench and ate their snack. "I was thinking we find the E.T. shop, lock the Doctor inside and watch him slowly go insane."

"I was thinking I could construct a giant metal Pac Man robot that would come after Jack and chomp off his penis. I'd love to see it grow back…if it does," the Doctor said before taking a sip of Coke.

"Neeew moon on Monday when the fire dance through the night," Rose sang.

The Doctor gave her a puzzled look until she pointed out the music overhead was playing Duran Duran's New Moon on Monday.

"I stay the cold day with a lonely satellite," Jack sang back.

"Mum had the CD this song was on when I was growing up," Rose said to the Doctor. "I love this song."

"We could go find a record shop and look around there," Jack said. "Find some gnarly '80's tunes."

"We could find a sex shop for you," Ianto said to Jack.

"That would be nice but I'm sure the Doctor wouldn't approve," Jack said.

"No, I wouldn't but since no one could stop you from going in one, I'll look the other way and pretend it's a pet shop," the Doctor said.

"Pet shop! We could buy you a puppy!" Jack said to the Doctor.

"Why?" the Doctor said.

"Because that would make you even cuter in my eyes."

"Rose, remind me never to pick up a puppy or get near a puppy or think about a puppy," the Doctor said while he finished off the last of the pretzel.

He licked his lips and looked at the trolley while he held the empty stick in his hand.

"Hmmm, wonder what cream cheese pretzel would taste like?" he mused while he stared at the trolley.

"You want another one?" Rose said to him.

"I want heaps of them. They're hot and delicious and satisfying."

Rose began to giggle to herself and when the Doctor asked what was so funny, she asked him to look at the image in her head. The Doctor laid the stick down beside him, put his fingers to her temples and closed his eyes while Rose showed him what she'd been thinking of. The Doctor frowned when he saw into her imagination and saw a grossly bloated 1000 pound version of himself. He was in a room in a house and his girth took up the entire room. His tiny head was at the top of his gigantic body and far below him, Rose was pushing a wheelbarrow towards him filled with hot pretzels. The Doctor burped loudly and pointed to his mouth.

"Ah, there you are again! Just go up my belly and put it into my mouth, Rose, there's a good girl," he said. "And don't forget to change my nappy, I think I went poopies while I finished off the last barrowful of pretzels."

"I am not fat!" the Doctor said, taking his fingers away from Rose's head while she laughed hysterically. "I have no intention of ever being that fat and I don't think one more pretzel will turn me into Gargantua, the Fat Man. So you can stop imagining me as such."

"Why? What'd she do?" Jack asked.

"Oh, just imagining me as morbidly obese to the point I looked like a basketball and took up the entire room of a house. Then she had to spend her time going up me to dump barrowfuls of pretzels into my mouth like I'm some sort of insatiable blob monster."

"Here, try me, I have an image for ya," Jack said, leaning towards him.

The Doctor leaned away.

"I don't know if I should, I might go insane after seeing the sort of things that live in your imagination," the Doctor said.

"Go on, be brave," Rose said, patting his arm.

"Hold on to me, Rose, I'm going in," the Doctor said.

Rose put her arms around his waist while the Doctor put his fingertips to Jack's temples. He saw himself sitting on a velvet red sofa in the middle of nothingness. A single brass floor lamp was beside the sofa, lighting the scene. The Doctor watched while his imaginary self looked around and scooted closer to Rose.

"Alone at last, my little dumpling," he said to her. "Why don't we have a go right here and shag ourselves senseless."

There was a ripping sound while Rose tore her pink t-shirt into and threw it off her body. She then took her time unhooking her bra.

"Bras are expensive," she explained to the impatient dream Doctor while he tapped his foot and let out a frustrated sigh.

She finished unhooking her bra and when she opened it, there was a tremendous SPRONG as he DD breasts shot out. Rose took off her bra, threw it on top of the lamp and put her arms down at her side while the Doctor let out a gleeful giggle and prepared to feel her up. Suddenly, E.T. wandered in and stopped by Rose's side of the sofa.

"Hi," E.T. said, waving to the Doctor.

The Doctor was livid while he watched E.T. take his glowing finger and put it on Rose's left nipple.

"Ouch!" E.T. said while he touched it.

"Okay, I think I've seen enough," the real Doctor said, pulling away from Jack.

"What'd he do?" Rose said while Jack chortled.

"Made a sexual E.T. joke," the Doctor said.

"Ah, that was great! I loved the disgusted look on your face while you watched," Jack said. "Worth the invasion of my mind just to see that. I could pinpoint the exact moment when E.T. started touching Rose's nipple."

The Doctor couldn't help laughing at the shocked look on Rose's face. He laughed harder and patted her head when Rose looked down at her breasts.

"Okay, I'm trying to imagine one of the beloved characters of my childhood putting his alien fingers on my nipples," she said. "I'm having a hard time seeing it…maybe because I don't wanna see it."

"Well…I suggest before Jack thinks up something even more disturbing that we just go ahead and go exploring. I don't want Rose to worry about me ballooning up from eating one more pretzel."

They put the remains of their snack into a nearby trash can and walked away from the bench.

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