Chapter Sixty Nine

"Aw, what a relaxing day," Jack said as they headed out of the mall and back towards the bus stop. "A little shopping, a little fun and a film with freaky friends, fantabulous fanny flag fun!"

"Jack's slipped into alliteration mode," Ianto said while they reached the sign and the bench for the bus. "Someone needs to help him."

"I WILL!" the Doctor said.

Jack ran off when the Doctor tried to stomp his feet. Rose and Ianto laughed as they ran out into the car park and ran in between the cars.

"No, wait, don't ruin the vintage 80's cars!" Jack yelled at the Doctor while they ran around a red Mustang.

Rose and Ianto laughed when they just suddenly jogged around and around the Mustang for no reason.

"What are you doing?" Rose yelled to them.

"We're having a jolly caucus race like in Alice in Wonderland," the Doctor yelled back. "As long as we're running around the flame-red Mustang, we can dry off and be warm!"

"I hope the owner of the Mustang doesn't come out here and see them or our next adventure will be in prison," Ianto said to Rose.

The two men broke away from the car and jogged back towards Rose and Ianto. Rose laughed when the Doctor jogged up to her and pretended to collapse on top of her.

"I'm knackered, I need sleep and Rose is comfy," he said. "I'll have a quick zizz before the bus comes. Zzzzzz…"

"My poor baby," Rose said while the Doctor snored in her ear. "Needing a kip after a hard day's fun and now his arse is out in the road where the bus can hit it, awwww."

The Doctor looked up and around at his butt which was sticking out.

"Don't worry, I'll move his bum!" Jack said, rushing towards it.

He laughed when the Doctor sprinted away from him back to the entrance of the mall.

"I don't want your hands anywhere near my arse, Harkness," the Doctor said.

"A little louder? Atlanta didn't hear that!" Jack said.


Rose and Ianto laughed when Jack raced over to shut him up and they were off on another run through the car park.


"So!" the Doctor said as they entered the TARDIS. "Where do we go next?"

"You are going to the cupboard to retrieve the Chifftones LP I asked to see," Rose said, closing the door behind everyone.

"TARDIS, take us away!" the Doctor said, ignoring her.


"Nice try, but the TARDIS obeys only…"

He trailed off when the TARDIS shut down and went dark. Rose smirked and folded her arms over chest.

"I told you I would convince the TARDIS not to go anywhere," she said.

The Doctor tried powering up the ship and let out a growl of frustration when she didn't respond to his commands. Rose giggled and sauntered up to the console, standing beside Jack and Ianto.

"The LP, if you please," she said sweetly, holding out her hand.

"Fine! Fine!" the Doctor said, holding up his hands.

He closed his eyes and thought to his TARDIS. The lights came back on and for a moment Rose thought the Doctor had convinced her to go. Instead, there was a flash and an LP appeared on the console in front of him. The Doctor picked it up and looked at the cover of the LP and Rose could tell he was trying desperately not to laugh. He cleared his throat and handed it to Rose. Rose took it and looked at the LP with Jack and Ianto. The cover of the LP showed the Fourth Doctor sitting on a wooden chair in the middle of the forest. He was wearing a long maroon coat and a scarf that trailed down the back of the chair onto the ground. He had a brown fedora on his head and an afro was poking out from underneath it. The Doctor's eyes were bulging and he had a toothy grin on his face that looked to Rose like it was a grimace of pain rather than happiness. The Doctor had a washboard in his lap and the fingers of his right hand were on the ridged surface while his other hand was thrust up into the air above his head. Above the photo was written THE CHIFFTONES at the top of the LP in black letters and underneath in smaller black letters was writing RAUNCHY PAUNCHY. Jack snorted out laughter while Rose gave the Doctor a withering look.

"Where's the band?" Rose said. "I'm assuming the weirdo in this photo is you since no one else would wear a scarf that was fifty miles long. Where's the rest of your band, Mister Musician?"

"Well, the band decided that I was the most photogenic so they had me stand in for all of them."

"Oh shut up!" Rose said, tossing the LP at him while Jack and Ianto bent over laughing. "TARDIS, you can take us wherever you like now. I'm done humoring the weirdo."

Jack took the LP from the Doctor and looked at it.

"Nice scarf, goes with the afro quite nicely," Jack said to him. "Not sure about your facial expression though, it kinda looked like someone punched you in the balls and you're trying not to cry. Still, nice photo," he said, handing it back to the Doctor. "Heeeey! I know! Let's go meet Curly and say hello!"

"You mean, me?" the Doctor said.

"Yeah, I wanna meet this version of you, he seems…different."

"Different? In what way, different?"

"Well, he likes scarves…obviously and he has more hair then you and his eyes pop out more than yours do. Let's go meet him."

The Doctor leaned on the console and gave him a "You've got to be kidding me" look for a moment. Then a smirk spread across his face.

"Fine, we'll go meet me then," he said as he began to start up the TARDIS.



(Andrusa Major, 5656…)

"Come along, Peri," the Sixth Doctor said as he strolled through a forest on Andrusa Major.

Peri brushed her hair out of her eyes while she followed him. The forest was sparse and he had his multicolored umbrella up and over his head, protecting him from the sun. Peri was wearing short shorts and a powder blue t-shirt with white Nikes while the Doctor wore the usual multicolored outfit.

"We're going to see the wonders of the planet, including a race of lizard people who are quite friendly," Six said over his shoulder. "I believe their cliff dwellings are through this forest and…"

He trailed off and both him and Peri stopped when the TARDIS suddenly appeared in front of them.

"Doctor, what's….what's going on?" Peri said, pointing to the TARDIS. "We left the TARDIS at the edge of the woods."

"Indeed. My TARDIS shouldn't follow us like this unless…it's not my TARDIS."

"Not your TARDIS? It looks like your TARDIS."

"I mean, it's not MY TARD…"

The door opened and Jack stuck his head out. He frowned and his eyes widened when he saw Six.

"Who are you and what are you doing in my TARDIS," Six said angrily.

"One moment," Jack said before sticking his head back inside.

Peri came up beside the Doctor and they looked at each other when they heard Jack laughing hysterically. Then the door opened wider and Jack, Rose and Ianto stepped out.

"Oh my God, get a load of this," Jack said as he pointed at Six's clothes. "And I thought Fuzzy Wuzzy was a nightmare."

"I beg your pardon, who are you?" Six said. "Is this a future version of me?" he added, pointing to the TARDIS.

"Um…yeah, a much slimmer future version," Jack said before he caught sight of Peri. "Wowzer!" he said, looking at Peri's skimpy outfit. "This was your companion, she is sexy! Hey, Doc," he yelled back into the TARDIS. "If I had a ménage a trois with me, you and the babe here, would it create all sorts of paradoxes?"

"GET IN HERE NOW!" Ten yelled from inside the TARDIS.

"But…three way," Jack said before Ianto grabbed his shoulder and dragged him back inside.

Six watched in puzzlement and then his eyes settled on Rose. Rose chuckled and walked up to him.

"Love the cat badge," she said. "It just completes the whole look for ya. Ta ta!"

She ran back into the TARDIS and slammed the door.

"Doctor, what was that about?" Peri said while they watched the TARDIS vanish into thin air.

"That…was probably me being an arse to myself," Six said. "Come along, Brown, we'll just pretend that never happened and carry on."

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