Chapter Seventy One

"Jack, just leave it," Ianto said as he followed Jack down the passageway.

"No! The man farted on my head and he will pay dearly for it! I will get back at him if it kills me!" Jack said.

"And how do you propose to get back at him then?" Ianto said.

"By asking the TARDIS's help and Rose's help as well," Jack said.

"And they're going to help you?" Ianto said.

"Help us, we're Torchwood Team Terrific and Ee Num Chuck is not going to get the better of us," Jack said. "TARDIS, please help me get back at the Doctor for farting on me. Pretty, pretty please? And get Rose away from Mister Smug so I can talk to her."

There was a flash and Rose appeared in front of them, stark naked. She gasped and covered her private parts with her hands while she turned away from Jack and Ianto and pressed herself up against the wall.

"Um…I thought you were going back to the park room thing," Jack said.

"We did but then we decided to have a shower and I was about to get into it with the Doctor and now I'm here. What's going on?" Rose said over her shoulder.

"Um…well, I wanted to ask your help in getting back at the Doctor for farting on my head. Just for fun?" Jack said.

"The Doctor would view me as a traitor if I did that," Rose said.

"But he farted on my head," Jack said.

"But you put your arms around me and claimed me. The Doctor doesn't like that," Rose said.

"Aw, come on, Rose. Help us, just for laughs," Jack said.

"Okay. But…can we do this after the shower since I'm in the altogether right now?" Rose said.

"Just hear me out really quickly and I'll let you go back to your shower," Jack said.


"Come on, Doctor, calm down," Rose said to the Doctor while he finished putting on his clothes.

She didn't get to finish the shower because the moment she was teleported back, the Doctor demanded to know what happened and when he heard Jack was involved, he called off the shower. Rose had no choice but to get dressed with him and tried to calm him down since the Doctor was now fuming.

"Jack needs to learn about boundaries," he said to Rose. "Having a giggle and playing practical jokes is one thing but taking you naked out of the bathroom is another thing. The man is going to die!"

He took a step and instantly a transmat beam enveloped him and Rose. When the light from it faded he was strapped into a chair in the middle of a dark empty room. Rose was standing beside him, hands behind her back, and the Doctor looked at her.

"Little help please?" he said, nodding at the straps securing his body to the chair.

"Sorry, this is Jack's revenge for farting on his head," Rose said.

"And you're helping him? Whose side are you on anyway?" the Doctor said angrily.

"Yours but you know Jack has to get his comeuppance every once in awhile," Rose said, stroking his cheek.

"Yeah, yeah," the Doctor muttered.

Suddenly, a humongous TV screen appeared in the air above him and Jack's face grinned down at him.

"So! Vengeance is mine!" Jack said. "And to add insult to injury, I turned your ship and Blondie against you. Ianto and I will laugh as you squirm!"

The Doctor watched Ianto lean his head in.

"Hi. I'm being forced to do this so don't blame me," he said.

"Jones, get out of my face before you join the Doctor."

Ianto moved away from him and Jack laughed a cheesy, maniacal laugh.

"And now, Geek Lord, we will begin your torment!' he said gleefully.

The Doctor looked around when a force field bubble surrounded him. He looked at Rose who was standing outside the bubble, calmly watching him.

"You do realize this means no shower with me tonight," the Doctor said to her.

Rose shrugged.

"I'll live," she said.

Suddenly, there was an explosion of brown gas inside the force field bubble.

"Aha, now you are surrounded by a huge fart bubble. Breathe it in, Ee Num Chuck!" Jack crowed as he watched him.

The gas lingered around the Doctor for a moment before the TARDIS took it away and it dissipated into thin air. The Doctor was sitting in the chair, his head lowered in defeat.

"Do you submit?" Jack asked.

"Yes, Jack," the Doctor said softly.

"Apologize then," Jack said.

"I apologize for farting on your head."

"Good. TARDIS, release him."

The Doctor grunted when the bubble and chair disappeared at the same time and he fell to the floor. He got up and smirked at Jack.


Rose laughed as the Doctor ran from the room while Jack cursed loudly.

"Told you it wouldn't work," Ianto said offscreen.

"Whatever, Ianto! Just pretend it didn't happen and never speak of it again!" Jack yelled at him before the monitor disappeared.

Rose looked around, her nose wrinkling at the faint smell of ass before she walked out of the room and shut the door behind her.

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