Chapter Seventy Two

"I swear, Jack, if you ask me one more time…" the Doctor muttered to himself as Jack left the console room.

The Doctor had been trying to do repairs all afternoon but Jack was bored and kept coming in to ask when the Doctor would be finished so they could go somewhere. After the tenth time the Doctor was ready to chop off his head and use his brain as a processing unit for his console. And now he was so upset he couldn't get back to the task at hand. He stood there by the monitor, drumming his fingers on the rim, trying to think of a way to shut Jack up. Then a smile slowly spread over his face when he got an idea for a prank. He snickered to himself and asked the TARDIS to send a voice message to everyone that they were going somewhere special. Then he asked her to take them to a very specific place…


"Oh boy, oh boy!" Jack said as the TARDIS stopped and powered down. "At last, we get to do something exciting."

"Yes. I have just the thing for all of you," the Doctor said to his three friends. "Follow me and behold the wonders beyond these doors."

Jack, Ianto and Rose followed him to the front door. He opened it, took a quick peek out and then nodded as he threw open the door and told them to go outside. Jack eagerly stepped out and looked around. The TARDIS had landed on a narrow dirt path between two large fields of wheat. In fact, there was wheat fields as far as the eye could see.

"Planet of the Wheat?" Jack said to Ianto and Rose as they looked around.

"Behold! The most exciting thing in the universe!" the Doctor said as he stepped outside and shut the doors.

The three companions looked around, trying to locate the most exciting thing in the universe when the Doctor walked over to the wheat field on their left side and spread his arms wide.

"Behold the bounty of nature!" he proclaimed loudly. "Wheat! The majestic grain!"

He paused with his hands out and waited for a reaction but there was only silence behind him.

"Doctor, where's this amazing thing?" Jack finally said.

"Why, right in front of you," the Doctor said, turning towards them. "Wheat! It's a wonder of nature!"

The three companions gave him odd looks and the Doctor turned back to the field.

"Yes, wheat is simply stunning!" he said. "Regal in its goldenness. I must compose an ode to it."

"Is he bullshitting us?" Jack muttered to Rose and Ianto as the Doctor cleared his throat loudly.

"O'wheat, thou majestic grain!" the Doctor intoned solemly. "Thou are splendid in thy magnificence! I love thee when I eat thee as cereal. Yea, there art no other like thee, my faithful friend!"

He fell silent and Jack spun his finger around his ear while the Doctor meditated on the gloriousness of wheat for a moment. Then he reached out and plucked off half a stalk of it. He turned and held it lovingly to his chest while Jack muttered, "Coo-coo, coo-coo," to his friends. The Doctor walked over to Rose and offered her the wheat stalk.

"For you," he said.

"Um…thanks," Rose said, taking it from him.

Jack plucked it out of her hand, put the end in his mouth and began to chew on it.

"Look, I'm a yokel," he said to Rose and Ianto through clenched teeth.

"Ah, the royalty of wheat!" the Doctor said enraptured.

"Yeah, wheat is awesome, when do we go to something fun?" Jack said, taking the stalk out of his mouth.

"Fun? Why, aren't you having fun here contemplating the majesty of wheat?" the Doctor said.

Jack thought for a moment.

"This is because I've been bugging you about going somewhere, isn't it?" he said to the Doctor.

"Why, whatever could you mean, Jack?" the Doctor said with feigned innocence. "I wanted to show all of you the wonders of wheat? Are you accusing me of taking you somewhere as a sarcastic gesture, mayhaps?"

"I told you not to bother him repeatedly," Ianto said to Jack.

"Okay, I'll leave you alone and let you do your repairs," Jack said.

"Are you sure? Because I could take you toSesspoolCity, home of the largest collection of sesspools in the universe," the Doctor said.

"No, that's fine. You can do your repairs and I won't ask to go somewhere until you're done," Jack said.

"Molto bene. Well, all and sundry, back in the TARDIS then! Goodbye, wheat, may you grow strong and proud!" he said, giving the field a salute.

Jack looked at Rose and she giggled when he shook his head and rolled his eyes while the Doctor opened the TARDIS doors.

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