A/N: For all Twilight fans, just poking a little fun at the fandom here so don't take offense. :)

Chapter Seventy Eight

Hello, my name is Bella Swan. I live in Forks, Washington and I'm 18 years old. I know that information isn't that exciting but Forks isn't an exciting place. It's dreary, it's rainy and it has an odd name. But there is one thing it does have and that's Edward Cullen. Actually, it has Jacob Black too but I mainly fixate on Edward Cullen because who wouldn't. That pale skin, that curly hair, the way he looks at you with his yellow eyes as if he wants to make a blood sausage out of you, it's sexy to me. And Jacob Black, well, he's a shirtless Indian werewolf and that's all I can say about him. As for me…I'm your typical bored, angsty, teenager who has a parent who's totally dependant on me to do everything for him because he's just as clueless as the parents in those teen angst, coming of age movies.

I began my day the usual way, waking my dad up, undressing him, getting him into the shower and fixing him oatmeal the way he likes it, with a maple syrup face on top of it because my dad is fussy and he likes to see Mister Oatmeal in the morning. After promising to do his laundry when I got back from school, I left for school. I was driving my truck when suddenly this weird blue box appeared in the middle of the road. I stopped the truck and just stared at it with my usual God, I'm bored of life look on my face. While I sat there and watched, the door opened and four people got out. I was thinking that it must be awfully cramped in there before my thoughts turned back to Edward and his cadaver like body that sparkles in the sun like Tinkerbell poured fairy dust on him. Of course, I never tell him that but still the image does pop into my mind when I see him sparkle. I also think of him as Glitter Guy and Camp Vamp but anyway…

I climbed out of the truck and walked over to the strangers. After all, the box just appeared out of nowhere so maybe they're ghosts and I've never had a ghost for a friend, just vampires and werewolves.

The man in front of the group was extremely skinny and tall and had spiky hair that went out in all directions. He was handsome but not as handsome as my corpse, bloodsucking boyfriend who has these gorgeous eyes and this wonderful smile and a long penis that sparkles in the sun just like the rest of him. But anyway…

Spiky Hair comes up to me and introduces himself as the Doctor. I gave him one of my bored, ennui teenager looks that we teenagers are so famous for. Then I notice the woman in the group and her skinny body and fabulous blonde hair and God, I hated the slut. She looked so vivacious which is the opposite of what I am. Anyway, I turned my attention back to the Doctor while two more men scanned the surroundings.

"So," the Doctor said to me. "Where are we? You're obviously American."

"You're in Forks, Washington," I reply in my sleepy, bored, nearly emotionless tone of voice. "And yes, I am American. Are you British?"

"Sorta, kinda," the Doctor said, waving his hand dismissively.

"Forks, Washington?" the handsome man with the short dark hair said as he walked over to the Doctor. "What the hell are we doing here? I thought we were going to the Razmataz Festival on Springot Five."

"Yes, well, I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere," the Doctor said sheepishly. "But hey, we met this woman…I'm sorry, what was your name?"

"Bella Swan."

"We met Bella Swan, isn't that something?" he said to the others.

Dark hair looked me over.

"She seems glum," he said to the Doctor.

The Doctor looked me over.

"Are you glum?" the Doctor said to me.

"I'm in that phase of life where I'm bored of the world and everything in it….and I'm on my period so I'm cramping."

"Riiight," the Doctor said while Dark Hair looked back at the man and woman and rolled his eyes. "Anyway, this is Jack and behind me is Rose and Ianto."

Rose. The slut even had a beautiful name. God, I hated her. She smiled at me but I showed no emotion, which for me is typical.

"So, what is there to do in Forks?" the Doctor said.

"Go to school?" I offered.

All of them stared at me while Jack snorted.

"And were you going to school just now?" the Doctor said.

"Yes. I'm meeting Edward there," I said.

Edward. My pasty faced beloved with muscular pecks and soft curly hair that I loved to run my hands through and the way his face glitters in the sunlight…

I come back to reality when the Doctor snaps his fingers in front of my face.

"Ah, there you are," he said happily. "Sorry, you looked like you were in the Twilight Zone for a moment."

Twilight. Yes, that sums up where I was when I was thinking of Edward. The Twilight Zone. Edward, my yellow eyed betrothed who has this hot little body and a penis that I just love to jump on and ride all day and…

I come back to reality again when the Doctor snaps his fingers a second time.

"You seem to space out a lot, you should get that checked out, could be a mental illness," he said to me.

"Sorry, I get that way when I think of Edward," I said.

Edward, my undead darling, with skin the color of very white cream…

"Hello," the Doctor said, snapping his fingers again. "Blimey. Attention span of a gnat. Anyway, we better go and let you go on to school. Have fun studying and…learning. Come on, troops, back into the TARDIS and…"

Suddenly there was a roar and Jacob leapt out of the forest off to our left. He was in werewolf form and I had to run in front of everyone when Jack pulled out a gun and nearly shot him. Jacob growled at everyone but I smacked him on the snout and said, "Bad dog, that's a no-no!" like people do to regular dogs. Jacob looked surprised for a moment before he changed back into his regular human body. I ignored the shock on everyone's faces while I studied the third part of my personal love triangle. True to form, Jacob had on nothing except a pair of khaki shorts, even though it was the middle of wintertime and the temperature was about 30 degrees. One thing I have to say about Jacob…he's apparently allergic to shirts.

"Who are these people? Are you dating them now too?" Jacob said, pointing to my new friends.

"No, but I'd love to date you," Jack said, looking him up and down. "Aren't you cold though?"

"I am Indian, we don't feel cold," Jacob boasted.

Then the one called Ianto stepped forward.

"You're a werewolf?" Ianto said to Jacob.

"I can shapeshift into a wolf, yes," Jacob said.

"I didn't see your trousers on your wolf body so where did they come from when you changed back?" Ianto said.

"It is a secret passed down from tribal elders since time began," Jacob said haughtily. "We alone among all natives know how to morph back while keeping our shorts on."

Jacob walked by all of them and walked up to me.

"Bella, where is Edward?" he demanded.

"Um…at school, I guess?" I said, shrugging.

"I want to have a word with him. I can no longer deny my feelings for you. So we will have it out once and for all and see who is the better supernatural, teen angst, creature in Forks!"

"Jacob, there are people here," I said, pointing to the stunned looks on my new friend's faces.

"I am not afraid of them!" he said, turning to them.

He stood there, shirtless, his cold hardened nipples pointing at them, accusing them of wrongdoing. I noticed that Jack's eyes were directly on the nipples and he had a lustful, hungry look in his eyes that my Edward gets whenever I get a severe paper cut.

"Who among you will challenge me for Bella's hand?" he said to them. "I will take on any challenger!"

"Rose, we got any mistletoe handy?" the Doctor whispered to her.

"How about a telescope that enhances moonlight?" Rose whispered back.

"We need the diamond though. Shall we go back and get it from Vicki?" the Doctor whispered to her.

"Steal if from her while a werewolf is chasing her? Isn't that dangerous?"

"And we're not in danger now?" the Doctor said, nodding his head at Jacob.

I didn't know what they were talking about but it was boring to me…like most things in life were boring. I was about to tell them that Jacob wasn't a threat when suddenly Edward dropped down from the trees and landed next to Jacob.

"Bella, I was waiting for you outside your window. You know I can't think properly unless you're joined at my hip," he said to me.

"So! It is you! The bane of my existence!" Jacob said to Edward. "It ends here now, once and for all, we decide who gets Bella!"

"Um, shouldn't we be getting back inside and going to the Razmataz Festival?" Ianto said to the Doctor.

"You don't scare me! I'm not afraid of you!" Edward said to Jacob.

"Ah! But you haven't faced me and my amazing pectoral muscles!" Jacob said. "See how they glisten with frost from the cold air? And see how perky my nipples are?"

"Yes, they are quite perky," Edward said as he got close to Jacob. "I've always admired your physique."

"And I've often fantasized about your pasty, undead body," Jacob said. "I'd just never admit that to the tribe."

"And I've always had a wolf fetish," Edward purred as he ran his finger down Jacob's manboob.

"Wait, what about me?" I said when I realize that they are both totally ignoring me.

And then, both men turned, looked at me, snorted and then started totally making out with each other. I mean, what about me and my needs? The two men I care about had the hots for each other all along?

"Okay then," the Doctor said. "Back into the TARDIS and on to the Razmataz Festival. Bella, enjoy school. Edward, Jacob, enjoy each other. Come on, gang, and you, Jack!" he said when he tweaked Jack's ear so he'd stop drooling at the supernatural suckface going on in front of him.

"Wait, this isn't fair!" I whined as the Doctor and his friends got back in the box and disappeared.

I stood there for a moment watching Edward and Jacob roll around on the ground in front of me, panting and groaning and shoving each other's tongue down their throats. Then grumbling to myself about how being a teenager sucks, I got back in my truck, started it up and drove past them on my way to school.

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