A/N: This spoof is based on V. I've never seen the new series though so it's based on the 1980's miniseries.

Chapter Eighty


"Aw, come on, do I have to do this?" Jack whined to the Doctor. "This is so embarrassing!"

"Jack, we have to do it. These Visitors are going to start harvesting people and taking over the Earth. They've already started brainwashing certain people into working for them. It isn't gonna kill ya so just do it!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Jack grumbled as he grabbed the costume and walked out of the console room.

(Meanwhile in London…)

Diana stood on the stage at Wembley Arena facing a crowd of thousands who had gathered to hear her and her leader, John speak to them. They were surrounded by several bodyguards and aids who scanned the crowd looking for any resistance. When John came forward to the microphone, the crowd burst into cheers and applause. Diana smirked at that.

The fools, little do they know they'll soon end up as food for my people, she thought to herself.

"Humans," John said. "We, the Visitors, are your friends. And to prove that to you once and for all, we are going to give you a gesture of goodwill. All those who are interested can come on board our mothership and we will take you to our planet so you can see the wonders of our world! There will be Vistors with clipboards who will circulate through the crowd and all those who wish to see our world and our technology sign up for…"

John trailed off when he heard a sudden wheezing sound behind him. He turned and gave Diana a puzzled look. She was about to say something when a blue police box materialized into view.

"No! It can't be him!" John said, recoiling in horror. "The Time Lord has discovered our plans and…"

The guards ran around the TARDIS, drawing their blasters while they waited for the door to open. But to their surprise, the door opened and out jumped a man in a hamster costume.

"Hi there!" Jack said in a muffled voice. "I'm Happy the Hamster! Come and eat me!"

Jack began to wave his arms and dance around.

"What is this?" John sneered as Jack danced around.

"I'm Happy the Hamster and I love you!" Jack said, walking up and patting his cheek with his furry plush paw. "Let's be friends!"

"Shoot him, you fools!" John said to the guards.

He got no response and noticed the guards were staring at the hamster intently, their tongues flicking in and out of their mouths.

"Stop that!" John said, rushing over to them. "Quit flicking your tongues in front of the humans."

"But he smells so good," one of the guards said.

"What? It's not real, you idiot. It's someone in a hamster costume!" John said. "Diana, order these fools to fire…"

He trailed off when he turned around and saw Diana dirty dancing with the hamster.

"So…after this whole Hitler rally type thing, why don't we go somewhere cozy? I can feed some rats some wine, you can eat the rats and we can make love from night till morning. How about it?"

Diana flicked her tongue in and out as they danced.

"I should kill you but…that scent. Oh God, what is it?" she moaned.

"Hamster musk, the outfit reeks of it. Like it?" Jack said.

"Oh yes," Diana moaned.

Meanwhile, the Doctor, Rose and Ianto came out of the TARDIS. The Doctor groaned as he closed the door behind him. He watched while Jack danced around with Diana who was now completely horny.

"Jack, I wanted you to distract them, not date them," the Doctor said.

"It is a distraction, they're not brainwashing people at the moment, are they?" Jack said as he quickly spun around to face the Doctor.

The Doctor shook his head and turned his attention to John who was now visibly terrified. He looked at the other Visitors and smirked when all of them backed up several feet in terror.

"I see you've heard of me," the Doctor said to John. "I've heard of you as well. You and your little group of so-called Visitors. This is my territory."

"London?" John said.

"The Earth, mate," the Doctor growled as he got in his face. "Bags I when it comes to planet Earth so if you and your little group know what's best for you, you'll get in your little white spaceships, fly up to the mothership and leave the planet posthaste. Otherwise…Jack will you stop humping the lizard and back me up here?" the Doctor said when he noticed Jack and Diana were bumping and grinding. "Honestly, I can't take him anywhere. I told Jack that I meant his costume as a distraction not a kinky foreplay device. Still, he's valuable in a fight so I forgive him his tendency to bonk all and sundry. Anyway, I believe I was telling you to get the hell off my planet?"

Rose and Ianto came up beside him and gave John a pointed look.

"Shoot them, you fools!" John screamed at his guards. "He's just a man after all! He's warm blooded just like the humans are! Shoot them. Diana, quit mating with that hamster and get over here!" John said, when he noticed that Jack and Diana were now on the floor pawing and moaning at each other.

"Oh for pete's sake," Ianto said as he walked over to Jack. "Jack, you're being watched by the whole of Wembley Stadium," he said, pointing out to the confused crowd.

Jack looked over at them and raised his hand.

"IT'S OKAY, FOLKS. HAPPY THE HAMSTER IS JUST DOING A BIT OF INTERSPECIES SHAGGING HERE!" he yelled to them before he went back to fonding Diana.

Ianto sighed. He walked over to the nearest guard.

"Hi, see this," Ianto said, pointing to Jack. "This is my lover."

"Looks like a big, yummy hamster to me," the guard said.

"He's wearing a costume. You just think he's big and yummy because we doused him in hamster pheromones. But see what he's doing? Would you put up with that sort of behavior?"

"No, no, I wouldn't. I'm faithful to my girlfriend," the guard said.

"What's your name?" Ianto said.

"Bruce. And you?"

"Ianto. Pleased to meet you," he said to him.

Bruce lowered his gun and was about to shake his hand when Ianto snatched the blaster from his slightly opened hand and pointed it at him with a grin.

"Oh, you bitch," Bruce said, putting his arms up.

Ianto shot the blaster at the other Visitor's feet and told them to get their hands up. Rose collected their blasters and threw them at the Doctor's feet while Ianto guarded them. The Doctor smirked at John.

"Not leaving Earth until you and your friends do," he said, folding his arms over his chest. "So…are you going to leave or do I have to forcibly remove you?"

When he didn't reply, the Doctor seized his mask and tore it, forcing him to stand towards the crowd so they could see his lizard face underneath.

"Hey! He's a snake!" someone in the front row shouted while pointing at him.


He chuckled when there was an angry muttering from the crowd.


"He's not like us!" a man in the crowd said. "The rebels were right all along! The Death Eaters must die!"

"Better surrender now," the Doctor said to John. "You and your mates allow yourselves to be captured and I'll protect you in my TARDIS. Refuse and…HE'S ALSO GOT A BASILISK!" he yelled into the microphone. "THEY PLAN TO ENSLAVE YOU AND MAKE YOU FIGHT TO THE DEATH IN CONTESTS LIKE IN THE HUNGER GAMES!"

He grinned when the crowd's anger reached a fever pitch.

"See, some humans like to believe that some fanciful things can happen and there really is a Hogwarts or London could become District 12 someday. You feed into that fantasy life and paranoia and you have a bunch of panicky, enraged apes. Not the sort of thing you wanna stand up to, mate. These people will rip you limb from limb. Remember, England has football hooligans who love to destroy! Oh! And…THIS DEATH EATER HAS JUST INFORMED ME THAT THEY ARE PLANNING TO LET FRANCE RULE ENGLAND AND MAKE IT THEIR BITCH. THEY ALSO PLAN TO HANG, DRAW AND QUARTER WILLIAM AND KATE AND PUT THEIR HEADS ON LONDONBRIDGE!"

John's eyes widened when the crowd became frenzied and started towards the stage.

"Alright! We surrender! We surrender! Just save us from them!" John said, backing away while the crowd started to climb up on the stage.

"Everyone inside the TARDIS now!" the Doctor yelled as he ran to the front doors.

John ran up beside him, his eyes huge as he watched the enraged humans swarming the stage. By now the guards, Ianto and Rose were near the door, waiting to be let in. The Doctor unlocked the door and told everyone to get inside. He looked around for Jack and noticed Diana had now pulled his hamster head off and had her forked tongue down her throat. The Doctor ran to him and tugged hard on his ear. Jack screamed in pain.

"Get up and go, now!" the Doctor snarled at him.

Jack and Diana noticed the angry crowd and they quickly got to their feet, running to the door. The Doctor waited till they got inside before he ran in and shut the door. He locked it and while the TARDIS transmatted the prisoners from the console room to secure cells, he ran to the console and quickly flew the TARDIS into the vortex. When they were finally safe, he sank down on the jump seat and breathed a sigh of relief. Then he eyed Jack who was standing near him, the lower half of the hamster costume still on his body.

"We're going to get the rest of the Visitors off of Earth," he said to Jack. "Do you think you can control yourself long enough for us to do that or do I have to hose you down each time you try to hump a lizard?"

"I'll behave myself," Jack said while Ianto and Rose giggled. "I was distracting her, honestly."

The Doctor snorted as he got up from the jump seat and turned the TARDIS back toward Earth.

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