Chapter Eighty One

(Monty Python and the Holy Grail…)

And so…Arthur and his brave knights of the round table set off on their quest to find the Holy Grail. A quest which would take them through perilous lands, past dangerous monsters, over creaky bridges…oh and they might get body lice as well because no one here in England hardly bathes, they just spend their time rolling around in the mud and filth and getting it in their eyes, ears, up their nose. Well, come to think of it, Arthur's a king and kings don't have shit all over them so perhaps he'll be spared the body lice but the others will surely catch it and it will be uncomfortable and there'll be lots of itching and scratching and nasty red welts on the flesh and…


*Ahem* Right. As I was saying, Arthur and his brave knights of the round table skipped across the land while their faithful horses banged coconuts together just a few feet behind them. The day was dreary and misty and ever so medieval looking as they rode their horses in search of that most holy of relics…The Holy Grail.

It was while they were making their way across the dreary and misty and oh so medieval lands of England that they suddenly heard a strange wheezing sound and watched while a strange box materialized in front of them as if by magic…


"Halt!" Arthur said, raising his gloved hand while he stopped several feet from the strange box.

The knights stopped and the horses stopped banging the coconuts together. The knights dismounted and walked up beside their king.

"What strange magic is this?" Arthur said, pointing to the blue box.

"It appears to be a box, my liege," Lancelot said to him.

"But how did it come to be here?" Arthur said. "In the middle of this dreary, misty, medieval land of England?"

"No worries, my liege," Lancelot said. "I will investigate the magic box!"

"Perhaps there is a witch inside," Bedevere said, raising the grill on his helmet to get a better look.

"If it's a witch, may we burn her?" Galahad said eagerly.

The knights began to chant, "Burn! Burn the witch!" until Arthur held up his hand.

"Proceed, Sir Lancelot," he said. "And may God give you the strength to face the witch inside!"

"Thank you, my liege," Lancelot said.

"If it is a witch, may we run away?" Robin said, hiding behind his large shield.

"Don't be daft, it's only a witch," Galahad said to him. "Where's your courage, man?"

"I left it back in the forest," Robin said, his eyes peeking out from behind his shield.

Lancelot walked up to the door and started to knock on it when suddenly the door opened and Rose came outside dressed in a skimpy pink bikini. She stopped and looked around.

"Hey, I thought you said we were going to the Bahamas," she yelled back behind her.

She looked at Lancelot and Lancelot looked at her.

"Are you a witch?" Lancelot said to her.

"She has barely a stitch on. Perhaps she's planning to dance naked in the moonlight as the witches do," Bedevere said.

"But it's daytime," Galahad said.

"Perhaps she is confused then," Bedevere said.

"Could you wait a tick?" Rose said to Lancelot before running back inside.

Lancelot grunted when she slammed the door hard in his face. He put his ear to the door and heard her yelling to someone called Doctor that he made a mistake and took them to the wrong location again.

"What is the strumpet doing?" Arthur said.

"She's talking to herself inside the magic box, my liege. Shall I set fire to it and burn the witch out?" Lancelot said.

Arthur was about to say something when the door opened and the Doctor stepped outside.

"She has shapeshifted into a man," Galahad said in alarm.

"Um…hello, I'm the Doctor," the Doctor said to them.

"Greetings, strumpet who is now a man, I am Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon of the court of Camelot. How did you do such magic that now you are of the opposite sex?"

"What?" the Doctor said.

"How did you change from a woman into a man?" Bedevere said.

"Oh! You mean…no, no that was Rose. I'm not her," the Doctor said. "She's inside."

"Are you her familiar then?" Bedevere said, stepping forward. "Or some condemned soul who has been enslaved by her?"

"Familiar?" the Doctor said. "You mean, Rose? Rose isn't a witch."

"Then she is a dirty whore?" Galahad said.

"Yes, where is the strumpet so we can kill her for being a shameless whore?" Lancelot said.

Just then Jack came to the console room dressed in navy blue swim trunks, a blue towel draped over his arm.

"Woo-hoo, Bahamas, here I come!" he said, running towards the door.

He ran outside and stopped when he nearly collided with Arthur. The knights were appalled at his near nakedness while Jack looked them over in shock.

"Um…this isn't the Bahamas, I'm guessing," he said, turning towards the Doctor.

Then he saw Lancelot and his eyes lit up.

"Well, hello there," he said to Lancelot while the Doctor rolled his eyes. "What's your name?"

"I am Sir Lancelot the Brave," Lancelot said, backing away when Jack tried to cozy up to him. "And who might you be?"

"Captain Jack Harkness. So, Lancelot, ever been on a date with two other people before?" Jack purred.

"Date?" Lancelot said nervously. "Look, I don't know what you're intentions are…half…naked person but I'm not gay."

"Yes, he is," Galahad muttered.

"No, I'm not; we've been over this before and…"

He trailed off when Jack stroked his cheek. The Doctor sighed and tapped him on the shoulder. When Jack turned around, he gave him a pointed look and pointed to the console room. Jack grumbled and went back inside.

"So, you're Arthur and you're Lancelot. Who are the others then?" the Doctor said to Arthur.

"I am Sir Galahad the Pure."

"I am Sir Bedevere the Wise."

"I am Sir Robin, the Not Quite So Brave As Sir Lancelot."

"Sir Robin? Don't remember you in the stories but no matter….what are you doing?"

"We seek the Holy Grail," Arthur said dramatically.

"Right, right," the Doctor said, nodding.

"Behold, the strumpet comes forth!" Galahad said, pointing to the console room.

The Doctor looked over his shoulder and saw Rose standing just inside the door, staring at all of them.

"Be gone, strumpet witch, we will not fall under your heinous power!" Lancelot said.

The Doctor sniggered when Rose shot him a "You gotta be kidding me" look.

"What is this?" Rose said.

"This is King Arthur and his knights," the Doctor said, gesturing to them.

"Seriously?" Rose said, stepping outside.

"The witch draws nigh!" Galahad shrieked. "Run away!"

Rose raised her eyebrows when Sir Robin screamed like a little girl, turned tail and fled. All of them watched while he ran screaming until he was up and over a large hill and all they could hear was his scream getting fainter and fainter as he ran and ran and ran.

"That was Sir Robin, the Not Quite So Brave As Sir Lancelot," the Doctor said to Rose.

"If you say so," Rose muttered.

"Tell us, great enchantress, do you float in water?" Bedevere said, walking up to her and lifting his grill.

"Do I what?" Rose said.

"You weigh the same as a duck if you are a witch, so you must float in water," Bedevere said.

Rose stared at him in disbelief for a moment.

"Doctor, get us to the bleedin' Bahamas now!" she said.

"Do you float in water?" Bedevere said.

"No, I'm not a bleedin' witch," Rose said angrily while the Doctor shook with silent laughter. "I don't know where you got that from."

"This is your enchanted box, is it not?" Arthur said, pointing to the TARDIS.

"No, it's his enchanted box, I just travel in it," Rose said, gesturing to the Doctor.

"Listen, my liege, we have been mistaken. The "Doctor" is a warlock and this woman is his familiar," Bedevere said.

"Oh bloody hell," Rose said, throwing up her hands while the Doctor giggled. "I'm going back inside until you leave this nutty place. Cheers everyone, the witch is going back inside now! Have a nice day and best of British luck to ya in whatever you're doing."

"Look, my liege," Lancelot said in wonder as they watched Rose walked towards the back door of the console room. "The tart goes deeper into the box and gets smaller as she goes. This is most fearsome magic."

"Burn it!" Galahad said. "Burn it before they enslave us all with their dark magic!"

"Um…I think Rose is right, time to go to the Bahamas now," the Doctor said. "Like she said, best of British luck to ya and…bye."

The Doctor ran inside and closed the door. The men stared at the TARDIS in wonder for a moment and then screamed, "RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY!" when it started dematerializing. While the TARDIS faded away, the men and horses continued to run hell for leather across that dreary, misty, medieval English countryside.


(A millennia and a half backwards in time in a coliseum in Judea…)

"So…" Reg said as he and the members of the People's Front of Judea sat on the stone steps on the coliseum. "It's decided then. We kidnap Pilate's wife from the palace tonight and then we issue our demands. We'll show them that the PFJ means business and…"

He trailed off when he heard a wheezing sound and watched while a mysterious blue box materialized onto the arena floor.

"What the bloody hell is that thing?" Reg said.

"Maybe it's the Judean People's Front up to their old tricks again," Loretta said to him.

"In that case, I'll show em! Watch this!" Reg said, standing up.

The TARDIS door opened and the Doctor looked out.

"SPLITTER!" Reg bellowed at him.

The Doctor looked at Reg, muttered "Uh-uh" as he shook his head and ducked back inside before slamming the door.

"See," Reg said satisfied as the TARDIS began to fade away. "Gotta show those splitters who's boss around here. Now, back to business. What are we gonna do about our new member, Brian?"

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