Chapter Eighty Two

(A Christmas Story…)

I'm currently on my last life and I've seen and done a lot of extraordinary things. But there are certain memories that will stay with me until the day I die. One memory in particular that I'm really fond of is the time that my tenth self fixated on a genuine Red Ryder BB gun for Christmas. Ooooh, I can still remember it and how much I wanted it! I remember that day started calmly enough with me going to tell my gal, Rose, that I really wanted a BB gun…


Rose screamed and threw her book up in the air as the Doctor zoomed inside the living room and screeched to a halt beside the sofa she was on.

"What?" she said, trying to still her beating heart.

"Rose! I want an official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!" he said, the words tumbling out of his mouth at warp speed. "With a compass on the stock and this thing that tells time! Get it for me, please, please, PLEASE!"

"What?" Rose said.

"Air rifle. You know, for shooting things."

"But you're anti-gun," Rose said.

"But this is not a gun, it's an air rifle. Please get it for me, Rose. I will be forever grateful. Go out and buy me one, now, now, NOW!"

Rose looked at the manic look in his eyes and the hungry look on his face. A wry smile spread over her face and she beckoned to him to come closer. The Doctor, with wide eyes, bent down and Rose put his arm around his shoulders and pulled his cheek to hers.

"Ooo, cheek to cheek moment," the Doctor said.

"Yes. Because I want to ask you something," Rose said.

"You want to ask me where you can purchase my BB gun?" the Doctor said.

"No, I want to ask if you have a raging cocaine addiction that I don't know about," Rose said. "And a speed addiction on top of that."

"I'm addicted to official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle, that's what I'm addicted to. Will you buy one for me?"


The Doctor's face practically hit the floor and he pulled away from Rose.

"Why not?" he said angrily.

"Because Doctor, if I know you, you'll shoot your eye out," Rose said.

"Will not," the Doctor said indignantly.

"Will too," Rose said. "Besides, why should I buy you this…air rifle."

"Because it's Christmas."

"It is?" Rose said.

"Well, it will be when I land. I'm in a Christmassy mood and I want an air rifle."

"You'll shoot your eye out!"

"Will not!" the Doctor said.

"Will too," Rose replied.

"Will not."

"Will too."

"Will not."

"Will too!"

The Doctor was about to continue the verbal sparring when Jack suddenly zoomed into the room.

"I WON!" Jack yelled, throwing his arms up in the air while Ianto came into the room after him.

"Won what?" the Doctor said.

"A major award!" Jack said, his eyes gleaming.

"What?" Rose and the Doctor said in unison.

"Owen rang him," Ianto said. "He entered some contest on Facebook on a lark and he won something. It's being delivered to the Hub."

"And we have to go back!" Jack said. "I gotta claim my prize!"

"And I gotta get an air rifle!" the Doctor added.

"Why? You'll shoot your eye out," Jack said.

"I will not!" the Doctor said, incensed as Rose giggled. "I can handle a gun!"

Jack raised his eyebrow at that.

I decided I'd gone too far in my bid for BB Gun ownership and I backed off for the moment so I could take Jack to go get his major award…whatever that means. Besides I was too filled with the Christmas spirit for them to ruin my dreams of owning my Red Ryder. I just decided to lay off the topic for the moment and find another way to hint to Rose that I needed it. I told Jack I would go and take him to the Hub so he could claim his prize and before anyone could say anything, I ran up to the front and changed course.


"Well, where is it?" Jack said as he stepped into the Hub.

Gwen, Tosh and Owen were standing in front of the TARDIS waiting for them to come out.

"Hello would be nice?" Gwen said.

"Besides, it hasn't come yet," Owen said. "The delivery man said there might be a delay."

"Argh, hate delays," Jack whined. "Doctor, can we go forward in time and skip the delay?"

"No, Jack, we can have a cuppa and relax here," the Doctor said.

"Oh, alright," Jack muttered before he went to greet his team with a hug.


(One hour later…)

"Jack, will you calm down?" Tosh said as they sat in the main room, drinking tea and chatting.

Jack was on tenterhooks and kept looking at the wall clock every ten seconds while he wondered what prize he was getting.

"Didn't you know what you were getting when you signed up for this stupid contest?" Owen finally said.

"No, it just said win a fabulous prize and I was so bored I entered my name."

"And you used the Hub's address?" Tosh said.

"Well, I live here, what else would I use?" Jack said defensively. "I can't have it sent to the TARDIS for obvious reasons."

"Rose," the Doctor whispered to her while they sat on the sofa.

"What?" Rose whispered back.

"Red Ryder BB Gun, get it for me," he whispered.

"No, you'll shoot your eye out," Rose whispered back.

"Damn," the Doctor muttered before he began to think of another strategy for getting his precious gun.

Everyone except Tosh froze when they suddenly heard The Carpenter's On Top Of the World coming out of a speaker above the sofa.

"What is that?" Jack said, pointing to it and asking Tosh since she was the only one blushing.

"Um…I got a novelty doorbell and I thought I'd try it out here," Tosh said sheepishly.

"The Carpenters? You couldn't get someone cooler to be our doorbell?" Jack said.

"They had a choice between that, The Macarena and Do The Hustle. I thought it was the lesser of three evils," Tosh said.

I'm on…top of the world looking down on creation and the only explanation I can find…

"Okay, going to answer the door now rather than sit here and listen to Karen Carpenter," Jack said before leaping up and bolting towards the front door.

Everyone got up and followed him and by the time they got to the door, Jack was telling two burly workmen to bring in a large rectangular crate. His eyes were agleam when he saw how large it was. He instructed them to put it down by Ianto's desk and thanked them as they left. He slammed the door, locked it and told Owen to go get a prybar. He looked at the top of the wooden crate.

"Fra-gee-lay, it must be Italian," Jack said, pointing to a word on the lid.

"It says fragile, brainiac," the Doctor said while Rose snickered.

"Oh yeah, it does. You know, sometimes you look at a word and it looks odd, like it shouldn't be spelled like that, you know?" Jack said to the Doctor.

"No, I don't know that because I don't have problems with literacy and reading words on crates," the Doctor said.

Jack blew a raspberry at him and took the prybar from Owen. Everyone stood around and watched while he pried open the lid. Once it was loose, a grin spread over his face and he quickly slid it off. Everyone gathered in closer and looked in.

"Um, this is a bunch of packing straw," Jack said.

"Dig into the straw then, braniac," Owen said, rolling his eyes.

"Oh yeah, right," Jack said.

He reached in and everyone backed up when he threw out the straw with gusto.

"I'm not cleaning this up, I want you all to know that," Ianto said as he ducked to avoid being hit in the face with a clump of straw.

"Oh my God!" Jack said when he finally saw his prize.

Everyone stared at him. Jack's face was frozen in delight, his mouth dropped open as he gazed at something inside the box.

"Oh my God, this is beautiful!" Jack said, finally reaching inside.

He grabbed something and to everyone's shock, he lifted a plastic statue of a leg out of the box and stared at it in wonder. The leg had on black nylon hose and a black stiletto.

"You won that?" Tosh said.

Jack made several unintelligible sounds of ecstasy and Ianto groaned when he saw a bulge in his trousers.

"I won a leg," Jack said in wonderment.

"Please take it into your room if you're gonna hump it," Gwen said.

Jack was about to take the leg away when something inside the crate caught his eye.

"Oh my God, do you know what this is?" he said to them.

"It's gonna be a mess once you get semen all over it," Owen said dryly.

"No, this…this is…a lamp!" he said.

He reached down and pulled out a gaudy pink lampshade that had black fringe and tassels hanging from it. He put it on top of the leg and beamed at everyone as he held his leg triumphantly out to them.

"That is not coming on the TARDIS, Jack," the Doctor said.

Jack's face fell.

"Is too."

"Is not," the Doctor said. "I'm not going to watch you hump that thing from morn till night."

"I'm not gonna hump it," Jack said.

The Doctor snorted.

"Sorry, I can decorate my room however I want and I'm not leaving this here. Mable is coming with me!" Jack said, holding the leg tightly to his chest.

"Mabel?" the Doctor said.

"Gotta have a name for my leg," Jack said.

"Fine, whatever, let's just get going, yeah? Or are you staying here and wanking off to the leg?" the Doctor said.

"I'm coming, I'm coming," Jack said.

"Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of," the Doctor muttered under his breath.

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