Chapter Eighty Three

Once we got back on the TARDIS, Jack decided that his major award would look good in my console room. I tried to put my foot down because I didn't want the monstrosity within view of me but my TARDIS has a sadistic sense of humor and before anyone could say anything she provided Jack with a small wooden table by my coat rack and an electrical outlet in the wall. Jack, with a triumphant look on his face, strolled over, sat the lamp down on the table and plugged it in. Jack's face was all agleam as he stared at the gaudy thing as if it were the Holy Grail itself.

"I love it!" he said breathlessly.

"I suppose this means I'm single from now on," Ianto muttered to Rose.

The Doctor rolled his eyes when Jack started to caress the leg, running his hand up and down it. He ran over and Jack gasped with anger when he unplugged it.

"Hey, I was enjoying that," Jack said.

"I know, that's why I unplugged it," the Doctor said, walking back to his console.

Jack muttered under his breath while the Doctor asked the TARDIS to find a nice Christmassy location.


(Christmas Eve, London, 2020…)

Aaaah, perfect, Christmas Eve in London. The shoppers were bustling, the carolers were singing, Jack was away from that thing in my console room, it was great. There was just one problem I hadn't anticipated.

The Master was nearby.

The Master. The name sent shivers up my spine. He was the meanest, rottenest, Time Lord in the Universe. He even had yellow eyes, so help me God, yellow eyes! As we walked along, looking at the shop windows, he stepped out in front of us and laughed an evil laugh.

"I got you now!" the Master said, pointing to us. "Surrender to me!"

We stood there for a moment before me, Jack and Ianto turned around and ran.

"Wait, who are you?" Rose said, clearly not intimidated by the yellow eyes.

I noticed she was just standing there like a lump and turned around to get her. The Master rawrrred at us and I grabbed her hand and we ran while he laughed hysterically. We kept on running until we were safely out of sight of him and his yellow, evil eyes.

While we were catching our breath, Jack noticed a nearby lightpole. You see, it was a very frigid December that year and there was ice and snow everywhere. It was extremely chilly, the chilliest it had been in years. While Rose and I caught our breath, Jack pointed to the light pole and began a discussion with Ianto about what would happen if Stupidarse put his tongue on it and would it freeze there because this is the sort of thing Stupidarse thinks about when he's not fighting evil people.

"I wouldn't try it, Jack," Ianto said.

"What? It wouldn't freeze there, that's an old wive's tale," Jack said.

"I have a feeling it will freeze and you'll be sorry if it does," Ianto said.

I was feeling a bit cheeky and decided to up the stakes a bit…

"I dare ya to do it," the Doctor said, gesturing to the light pole.

Jack looked at him and raised his eyebrow.

"You're daring me to put my tongue on the pole," he said.

"Yes, I'm daring you to do it…chicken," I said gleefully. "Then Rose can take a photo of your stupidity and post it on the internet."

"Jack, don't," Ianto said.

"Why don't you do it, old man?" Jack said, ignoring Ianto.

"Because I'm not the one that thought of it, you are," the Doctor said.

"Right, you just want me to look like a fool for your amusement," Jack said.

"I double dog dare ya," the Doctor said.

"Oh really?" Jack said.

I was about to triple dare him to do it when Rose suddenly jumped into the conversation and created a slight breach of etiquette.

"I triple dog dare ya," Rose said, skipping the triple dare and going right for the throat.

Jack was shocked by that display of boldness but Rose nodded and pointed to the light pole.

"Go on, if you're brave enough," she said.

"Jack, I wouldn't do it if I were you," Ianto said.

Rose made clucking noises while the Doctor sniggered. Jack folded his arms over his chest.

"Fine, I'll show you who's chicken around here," he said to them.

"Oh God, here we go," Ianto muttered under his breath.

Jack moved over to the frigid light pole and examined it while the other three leaned against the brick wall and watched him.

"Go on, fraidy cat!" the Doctor said. "Put your tongue on it!"

"Give me a second, grandpa, I'm sizing it up," Jack said angrily over his shoulder.

He leaned his face close to the light pole, his tongue darting in and out a few times before he finally put it on the pole.

"Hah!" Jack said with his tongue on the pole.

He tried to pull it off and his eyes widened when he realized his tongue really had frozen to the pole.

"Sthuck, sthuck, STHUUUCK!" he howled as he tried to pull his tongue off the pole.

"Idiot," Ianto muttered as he, the Doctor and Rose walked over to him.

Jack stopped struggling and pleaded with them silently for help. The Doctor looked at the tongue stuck to the pole and couldn't resist giggling which earned him a pissed off look from Jack.

"Gotta admit, that was ballsy of ya, Jack," the Doctor said.

"Shut up and help me geth looth," Jack said.

"Come on, Rose, let's get Einstein's tongue off the pole," the Doctor said with a sigh.

Rose got on his right side and the Doctor got on his left. They started to pull and Rose winced when the tongue remained firmly frozen to the pole. Jack tried to shake his head.

"No! Don'th pull!" he said to them.

"We have to pull, Jack. Otherwise you'll be here all day," the Doctor said. "Okay, Rose, we have to make this quick. Count of three, pull him as hard as you can. Ready? 1…2…3…"

Jack howled with pain when they grabbed under his arms, jerked him hard and his tongue jerked off the pole. Jack howled with pain and slammed a hand over his mouth. He heard sarcastic clapping behind him and turned and flipped off Ianto when he saw it was him.

Well, once we got Supergit free of the pole, we have to wait five minutes for his healing abilities to mend his torn tongue. After that, we continued on our way and Jack stayed as far away from the poles as he could possibly get while we window shopped.

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