DOCTOR WHO SILLY STORIES
Chapter Eighty Four Well, we had a good laugh about Jack putting his tongue to the pole…although Jack didn't find it as amusing as we did…at least Rose and I found it funny, Ianto was lecturing him on not being a supergit but anyway…despite that moment of amusement at Harkness's expense, I realized that this wasn't getting me my beloved air rifle. I still had the problem of convincing Rose I needed it badly and wouldn't shoot my bleedin' eye out. And why did she come up with that in the first place? I've never shot my eye out with anything. Blimey, the woman is such a worrier sometimes. I've lived 900 years before she came along and I managed to survive without her assistance. I can handle a simple air rifle, for Rassilon's sake. She's not my mother! Unfortunately, she has money and I don't…hence the whole can I have one please begging bit I have to go through with her. Which brings me back to my problem of convincing her I need a Red Ryder BB Gun. While we walked, I thought and thought and suddenly… "Rose!" "Yeah?" Rose said to the Doctor. "I was thinking, what if I herd of bison came round the corner up there and stampeded towards you?" he said, pointing to the corner up ahead of them. "What?" Rose said. "Herd of bison, stampeding towards you and you experiencing certain doom because of it. Could happen, you know," the Doctor said casually. "In the middle of London?" Rose said while Jack snickered and nudged Ianto. "Escaped from the zoo…or a breeding facility. Went rabid and they hate the smell of chavs. Could happen." "I'll ignore the chav part of that and just get to the flawed logic in your thinking," Rose said while Jack and Ianto giggled. "They don't have bison in London and even if there is one in the zoo, I don't think the entire herd would escape. Why are you even talking about this?" "Because wouldn't it be nice if I had something to shoot the herd and prevent your grisly and messy demise?" "I'm not getting you a bleedin' air rifle, Doctor, you'll shoot…" "I will not shoot my eye out. I am a capable adult!" the Doctor said. "Capable adult, eh?" Jack said over his shoulder. "I wouldn't bet your life on that." "And this is coming from the man who just froze his tongue to a pole," the Doctor shot back. I was about to continue the argument when I suddenly had another idea. We were passing by Harrods and a sign out front was advertising a sitting with Santa. Now I don't believe in Santa but I was thinking perhaps if I embarrassed Rose by going and sitting on Santa's lap she would buy me the gun to shut me up and prevent further humiliation. I admit it wasn't a thoroughly well thought out plan but I often wing it and see what happens. So I told them I was going to go sit on Santa's lap and ask for the air rifle. As planned, Rose was mortified, Ianto was incredulous and Jack was highly amused. I raced into the store with Rose in hot pursuit. I went up the escalator while Rose was calling my name and begging me not to do this. I glanced over her shoulder and saw Jack far behind us with Ianto. He had a shit eating grin on his face and was cheering me on while Rose and Ianto pretended not to know us. When we got to the first floor, I could see a huge mountain right in front of me with steps leading up to the top. Santa was seated on a large gold throne with a man and woman elf flanking him. On the far side was a huge slide that led down to a mat on the ground. There was a long line of people going up to see Santa and I trotted over to the back of the queue and waited while Rose followed me. "Doctor, stop this, please!" Rose said, tugging on my arm. "No, I want to tell Santa I've been a good boy and I want my air rifle," I said curtly to her. By now Rose was telling me she'd get the air rifle which was my plan but I actually wanted to do this. I'd never done the Earth custom of sitting on Santa's lap and I love trying new things so I ignored her. Rose finally gave up and stood by with Jack and Ianto, watching with a death glare while I slowly climbed the stairs towards the man impersonating Father Christmas. As I went up, I kept getting strange looks from the parents in front of me since I obviously wasn't with child but I ignored them. I'm a child at hearts, damn it. I can do what I want when I want. When it was finally my turn, the woman elf turned to get what she thought was a child and did a double take when she saw me. I hurried over to Santa and sat down on his lap. While I stared at his shocked face, I noticed his eyes were red and blurry looking and he smelled of alcohol. "Hello Santa," the Doctor said. "Um…hi," Santa said. "Aren't you a bit old for this?" "Nonsense, I believe in you wholeheartedly. I put out milk and biscuits and carrots for your reindeer every crimbo. So can I tell you what I want?" "What you want is a good psychiatrist, mate," Santa said. "No, I want a Red Ryder Air Rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time." Santa looked at me with bleary eyes for a moment. "You'll shoot your eye out," he said. What? Even Santa said it? Is there no end to the prejudice against BB guns around here? I considered decking him for his insolence or perhaps throwing his drunken sot self into a supernova. In the end, I decided to end the practical joke since I noticed Rose was looking everywhere except at me and Jack and Ianto were giggling hysterically while Jack snapped some photos with Rose's camera. I got up from Santa's leg and was about to go back down the steps when I eyed the slide. At that point, my brain said what the hell and I ran over to it, jumped up, slammed my arse down on it and went wheee all the way to the bottom. By now, Rose was turning several shades of red and Jack and Ianto were applauding as I got up from the mat, straightened my jacket and walked over to them. "That was even more ballsy than my tongue on the pole," Jack said in admiration. "I salute you, old man." "Okay, okay, I'll do it, I'll get the bleedin' rifle if you just stop being an embarrassment," Rose said. I walked up to my gal, put my arm around her and kissed her temple. "You think I'm the cutest thing since kittens were invented," he said to her. "No, I think you're the daftest thing since daft people were invented," Rose replied. "Look, I'll make a deal with ya. We split up and do some Christmas shopping for awhile and I'll see if I can find the air rifle, yeah?" "That's all I ask," the Doctor said. Pleased that I convinced Rose to get me what I desperately wanted, I waved cheerfully to Santa before all of us decided to split up and meet back at the mountain in two hours time.
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