Chapter Eighty Nine

The Doctor was in the console room with Jack and Ianto. The three men were sitting on the jump seat, chatting with one another when suddenly Rose zoomed into the room and pointed at the Doctor with wide eyes.

"There you are! I want to do something with yooooou!" she said as she flounced over.

Jack laughed when Rose jammed her face into the Doctor's face until it was inches away.

"How-do!" Rose said with wide eyes. "I want to do something and you're just sitting here. Why are you sitting here when we could be doing trillions of things at this very moment? Hmm, hmm, hmmmmmmmm?"

The Doctor snickered when Rose jerked her head around and pointed to the concentric circles on the monitor. She let out a melodramatic gasp and flounced over to it. She leaned down into the monitor.

"This is naughty! How can you bring such filth into the TARDIS," Rose said as she pressed her nose against the monitor.

"I have the feeling Rose is mocking me," the Doctor said to Jack and Ianto.

"No, really?" Jack said with wide eyes. "Surely not!"

"Hey, I have a bum," Rose said as she pointed behind at her ass. "Examine, worship and kiss it. Just letting you know about my bum, I have a bum back there."

"It's awfully fat," Jack said.

The Doctor and Ianto laughed when Rose jerked her head up and spun around. But instead of going to Jack, she went and sat on Ianto's lap.

"That was a naughty thing to say, how dare you say such insulting things about my arse," Rose said to Ianto.

"I didn't say it, Jack did," Ianto said with a grin.

The Doctor and Jack giggled and Ianto smiled when Rose stared at him with wide eyes for a moment.

"I have an arse," she finally said to Ianto.

"So do I," Ianto said.

"But it's not as magnificent as mine. My arse is scrump-diddley-licious and you can't compete with it. You do make good coffee though so you do have your uses," she added, patting him on the head. "But you…" she said, getting in Jack's face. "What is your function and why should I stop myself from throwing you out into the vortex this very moment?"

"Well, I'm a stud for starters," Jack said. "And I have this incredibly gorgeous face that just defies description. Also, I'm fun to be with and a witty raconteur and a bon vivant."

Rose stared at him for a moment.

"I have an arse," she said while Ianto and the Doctor sniggered.

"As I mentioned earlier, you do and it's fat," Jack said. "But enough about your fat bum, how's about a kiss since our lips are practically touching now."

"Nah!" Rose said, leaping up.

She walked over and sat on the Doctor's lap.

"And you, what justifies your existence?" she said to him.

"I am the reason you don't have a shitty life anymore," the Doctor said.

Rose stared at him for a moment before pretending to pick a bogey out of her nose and putting it in his hair. Jack and Ianto laughed and the Doctor shook with silent laughter when she got up and began to dance in front of them.

"I'm superioooor," she sang loudly. "I'm superioooor! I'm not a little whore, at least not anymooooore!"

The three men chortled when she slammed her butt back down on the Doctor's lap and stared at him.

"Rose needs to get drunk more often," Jack said to his friends.

"Oh no! Sleepytime for me!" Rose said with wide eyes before slamming her head onto the Doctor's shoulder and zizzing loudly.

"Pick that bogey out of your hair and put it in her mouth," Ianto said to the Doctor.

"Okay, kip time has ceased!" Rose said, jerking her head back up. "Hey, E.T., I'm famished, get your alien arse up and fix me nibbles!"

"You dare insult me by calling me E.T.?" the Doctor said with a twinkle in his eyes.

Rose stared at him for a moment.

"Well, Alf, where's my nibbles?" he said while Jack and Ianto bent over laughing. "Come on, spaceman, get em for me! My rumbly in my tumbly is getting louder by the minute!"

"I would go if you got up off my lap," the Doctor said.

"But I'm comfy here and you're a big, bad, intelligent space alien. Mind doolally them to me or something like that. You know, use that melon of yours and telepathically cook the food and deliver it promptly to me or else I'll strap you down and…"

Rose trailed off when she couldn't think of something to say to finish the sentence.

"Yes?" the Doctor said while Jack and Ianto laughed. "What will you do to me once I'm strapped down?"

"Um…beat you?" Rose said, feigning hesitance, "with a…Rubik's Cube…until you have a humongous dent in your head?"

"Wow, that sounds painful," Jack said. "Being beaten to death by an '80's toy is horrendous."

"I told you, violent books begets violent thoughts," the Doctor said to him.

"Oh, shut up, Data and go get me my nosh," Rose said.

"Data was an android, not an alien," the Doctor said smugly.

"Okay, Spock then. Live long and prosper me up some nibbles, damn it! Come on, Mork, what do I pay you for?"

"Na-noo, na-noo," Jack said to the Doctor. "Shazbot!"

"Yeah, all that!" Rose said, waving her hand dismissively. "Well, Flash Gordon? Are you and Buck Rogers going to get me sarnies now?"

"Those were humans," the Doctor said.

"I don't give a flippity floo what they were; I want my bacon butties NOW!"

Jack and Ianto laughed when Rose screamed the last word in the Doctor's face.

"So…you requested nibbles, sarnies and bacon butties, what do you want then?" the Doctor said.

"All of them and some sort of spacey wacey thing on top of it, like alien bogey fizzy drink or something you lot used to drink back on that planet of yours," Rose said. "I'm hungry, so hop to it and get me what I desire or the TARDIS will disintegrate you all!"

"The TARDIS belongs to me," the Doctor said.

"I give the TARDIS more love than you do so she listens to me now," Rose said.

"Is that true?" the Doctor said, looking up at the ceiling.

The TARDIS grunted loudly.

"Oh, shut up, you do not," the Doctor teased his ship while she rumbled out laughter.

"TARDIS, turn off your lights!" Rose said loudly.

The console room fell into darkness while the TARDIS grumbled out laughter.

"Aw, what a shame," Jack said. "We can't see her fabulous arse now."

"Quick, TARDIS, turn the lights back on," Rose said. "Not seeing my arse is a crime against the universe."

The TARDIS rumbled laughter and restored the lights.

"I get the feeling the TARDIS enjoys watching us," the Doctor said. "This is her entertainment since she can't go anywhere."

"Well, I thought I'd give you a bit of your own medicine and see how you like it," Rose said, pressing a finger against his nose.

"Actually, I enjoy it. This is what I like to see, rather than you sit there and read horrible novels about legs being sawn off and things like that," the Doctor said.

"Well, I'll try to entertain you more often then," Rose said. "But for now, I really am hungry and a sarnie sounds good. So ttfn, all of you!"

Rose got up and started to walk away and grunted when Jack slapped her butt hard.

"Sorry, I was so dazzled by your arse that I had to touch it," Jack said.

The Doctor giggled when she smacked his head a few times before hurrying out of the console room.

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