Chapter Ninety One

Rose was sitting in the living room reading The Astrology Murders while she was lying on the sofa. She turned the page and was about to read on when suddenly the Doctor stomped into the room.


Without looking up, Rose flipped him the vees.

"Geesh darn, woman, you will be the death of me yet with you and your reading habit!" the Doctor said as he stomped out of the room.

"Oh well," Rose murmured to herself as she turned her attention back to her book.

She got through two more pages when the Doctor suddenly entered the room. Rose glanced at him and did a double take. The Doctor had a beehive wig on his head that was piled up like Marge Simpson and was cotton candy pink. He was wearing an apron around his waist that said KISS THE COOK on it and in his hand he was carrying a purple leather bound book. He walked over to the chair beside Rose and plopped down into it.

"Bang zoola, human," he said to her as he took his glasses out of his jacket pocket and putting them on. "I have found a book and I'm going to read it to you now so you can listen and learn."

"Bang zoola?" Rose said.

"Yes, it's Yap-Yappy for many blessings. Now!" the Doctor said, opening the book to a random page. "Let's begin."

Rose rolled her eyes, marked her place with a bookmark and put the book on her lap while the Doctor cleared his throat loudly and began to read aloud.

"No, what is this? This can't be happening to me, Bambi said to herself as she saw the ginormous UFO in front of her," the Doctor read aloud. "Then suddenly she found herself transmatted aboard the ship. Standing before her was a tall, dark and handsome alien. The alien raised his hand I greeting. Bang zoola, Earthling, he said. I am Mungmung the Magnificent and you are now my slave."

"You do realize I don't give a damn about your story, right?" Rose said, glancing back at him.

"But I don't want to be your slave," the Doctor read on as he ignored her. "I need to get back to my house so I can throw a party and get high and pissed. No, the alien said, you must come with me now. I can offer you so much! Really? What, Bambi said, tilting her head in a manner similar to dogs when you say something to them. Yes, observe, Mungmung the Magnificent said as he threw open his robe. There was a huge bang as Mungmung's magnificent penis hit the floor. Bambi's mouth flew open and suddenly she realized that bonking an alien could be fun."

The Doctor grinned when Rose giggled at that. He was about to read on when Jack suddenly entered the room with Ianto. They were holding hands and had huge smiles on their faces.

"You two look like you're over the moon," Rose said to them.

"We…uh…had some fun in our bedroom," Jack said while Ianto coughed nervously. "What are you two doing in here? And why the hell are you wearing a wig and apron?" he said to the Doctor. "Is this some kind of kinky roleplaying game?"

"No, he was reading to me," Rose said, gesturing to the Doctor's book.

"Really? What were you reading to her?" Jack said as he and Ianto came up to his chair.

"Nothing, nothing really," the Doctor said while Rose snickered.

He gasped when Jack snatched the book from his hand. He let go of Ianto's hand and opened the book. Rose watched expantantly while he read a page for a moment. He suddenly frowned in confusion and looked up at the Doctor.

"You're reading her a book on string theory?" Jack said to the Doctor while Rose laughed harder.

"Yes, I like to educate Rose from time to time. Improve her ape mind, if you will," the Doctor said airily.

"He was telling me a story about some tart called Bambi who got kidnapped by an alien who had a penis that hit the floor. The alien was about to rape Bambi when you walked in," Rose said to them.

"Is that so? Continue the story then," Jack said as he and Ianto sat down in the chairs nearest the Doctor.

"Nah, you don't wanna hear…"

The Doctor fell silent when Jack snatched the wig off his head and put it on.

"I would take your apron too but you're sitting down and I don't wanna get a thump in the head the moment I bent over and tried to untie it from around your waist," Jack said.

The Doctor looked at the wig on Jack's head and chuckled.

"I wouldn't laugh, it looked ten times more ridiculous on your noggin," Jack said. "But thanks for the wig anyway, now Yan and I can use…"

"I think not!" the Doctor said, leaping up and snatching it off his head. "I put it on to make Rose laugh. It was intended for that purpose and I'll be damned if I see you use it in some sort of kinky foreplay thing with your boyfriend. Now! I want you all to pay attention to me because I have some…"

"So anyway, Rose," Jack said, deliberately ignoring the Doctor, "still reading that book?"

"I SAID, PAY ATTENTION TO ME!" the Doctor yelled.

"Yeah, I am. It's really good, despite what the attention whore thinks," Rose said, gesturing to the Doctor while she kept her eyes on Jack.

"ATTENTION MUST BE GIVEN TO ME!" the Doctor bellowed as he jabbed his finger repeatedly at his chest.

"You ever notice how loud the Doctor gets when no one is paying him any attention?" Jack said to Rose.


"Alright, alright, what is it?" Jack said, turning in his seat to face him.

"Thank you," the Doctor said. "Now, we're going to go on an adventure so everyone up," he said, clapping his hands. "Come on, up and at em and follow me! Hup two three four, hup two three four," he said as he marched towards the door.

"Should we follow the poor sap?" Jack asked his friends.

"I said we should before he wets himself from yelling at us," Ianto said.

"I agree or gives himself a stroke," Rose said. "I for one don't want to carry him around while he's addled and drooling."

"Neither do I. Come along then, sweety and sibling, let's go see what the Doctor has planned," Jack said as they got up.

Back                         Home                              Doctor Who Main Page                          Next

Your Name or Alias:      Your E-mail (optional):

Please type your review below. Only positive reviews will be posted! Constructive criticism will e-mailed to the author.