Chapter Ninety Two

"So where are we going, insecure and attention loving leader?" Jack said as the three of them followed the Doctor through the corridors. "Because I'm guessing we're moving away from the console room."

"You are correct," the Doctor said over his shoulder. "We are going to something far more interesting!"

"More interesting than the console room?" Ianto said dryly. "Do you think we could withstand all that excitement?"

"Yeah, we can," Rose said. "We are courageous companions to the Doctor. We can do anything!"

"We are strong and we are bold…" Jack chanted.

He fell silent for a moment while he tried to think of something to rhyme with bold.

"God, the Doctor's really old," he finally said while Rose and Ianto sniggered.

"If that was meant to be an insult, Harkness, you failed miserably," the Doctor said over his shoulder. "Ah, here we are, the Room of Doom!"

Jack looked at Rose and Ianto and rolled his eyes while the Doctor put his hand on the metal door handle. He paused and stared at everyone with wide eyes.

"Do you think you can handle…the Room of Doom?" he said in a hushed voice.

"I've smelt your farts before, Doctor. I think I can handle the Room of Doom," Rose said.

Jack and Ianto bent over laughing when the Doctor gave her a peeved look. Then his expression became manical again as he slowly opened the door. Jack gave him a withering look when he said, "Creeeeeeek!" in a soft, high-pitched voice while he opened it.

"Behold," he said in a dramatic whisper, "the Room of Doom."

"Oh get away from the door, Vincent Price," Jack said, pushing him away while Ianto and Rose laughed.

Jack went inside and sighed when he saw a fake looking graveyard in front of him. The kind of graveyard that looked like it came from a Halloween tableau. Rose and Ianto came inside the room and stood beside him while the Doctor sneaked in behind them and edged away to the right.

"Gee, Doc, the Room of Doom looks stupid and boring," Jack said, catching sight of the Doctor while he ducked behind a large gravestone. "And what are you doing over there? Going to be Count Dracula for our amusement?"

The Doctor raised his head up and peeked over the top of the granite gravestone.

"Do you know what's over here?" he said as his eyes stared at them.

"An idiot who thinks he's all that and he really isn't?" Jack said while Rose and Ianto sniggered.

"This…is the tomb of Barnabus Bletchly," the Doctor said.

Rose and Ianto laughed harder when Jack threw up his hands, screamed like a girl and ran from the room. Rose looked at Ianto.

"Dare we ask who Barnabus Bletchly is?" she said.

"Go ahead, it might be interesting," Ianto said, nudging her.

"Has he raised the spirit of Bletchly yet?" Jack said, sticking his head back in the open door. "Because I haven't peed this morning and I don't want to get my trousers wet."

"Barnabus Bletchly is…"

The Doctor gave Jack an annoyed look when he screamed again at the sound of the name and jerked his head back out. The Doctor stood up and walked towards Rose and Ianto.

"Barnabus Bletchly is the Hook Handed Murderer," he said in an ominous voice.

"Okay," Rose said.

She grinned when the Doctor stared at her.

"And?" Rose said when he didn't say anything more.

"And he is…The Hook Handed Murderer," the Doctor said.

"And is that s'posed to mean something to me?" Rose said.

"He kills without mercy," the Doctor said ominously.

"Yeah, and?" Rose said.

The Doctor formed his right hand into the shape of a hook and pretended to scrape the flesh off her bones.

"Yeah, that's terrifying alright," Rose said without emotion while Ianto snickered. "I thought Daleks were pee your pants scary but they're kittens compared to Barnabus Bletchly. Oh whatever shall I do? Especially since he's supposedly dead over there."

"Oh, but he lives!" the Doctor said melodramatically. "He lives…in meeeeeeeeee!"

"Hey, I'm going back to my book now, have fun," Rose said to Ianto.

"No!" the Doctor said, grabbing her shoulder when she stared to walk out the door. "I must appease the spirit of Barnabus Bletchly with a human sacrifice!"

"I thought you were Barnabus Bletchly," Rose said.

"No, his spirit lives in me and it demands blooooooood!" the Doctor said in a quivering voice.

"And I'm it then?" Rose said, trying to keep a straight face.

"No, you are not worthy of a sacrifice!" the Doctor said. "I must have…Coffee Boy!"

"Me?" Ianto said.

"Yes! You anger him with your coffee making skills," the Doctor said in a raspy voice, "he prefers lager to coffee so now you must diiiiie!"

"Where is Jack, did he leave?" Rose said, walking towards the door.

"Wait, what about me? He's gonna sacrifice me," Ianto said to Rose.

"In a minute, I want to see if Jack swanned off and managed to get away from here," Rose said.

She started to stick her head out the door and screamed when Jack leapt at her and yelled, "Bwaaaah!" with his arms raised in the air. He chuckled and patted her shoulder and came back inside.

"Being sacrificed to Doolally Dofus here, Yan?" Jack said, coming up beside his lover and laying his hand on his shoulder. "That sucks. I'll miss ya, buddy. Have fun being killed by Dingle Dork here."

"You really spoil the mood, you know that?" the Doctor said in his normal voice.

"I'm playing along," Jack said. "I'm just wishing my man godspeed and happy heart ripping. You are ripping his heart out with your hook, right?"

"No, I'm going to cook and eat him," the Doctor said.

"Oh, well…Ianto is tasty, take it from me. I've eaten him many times, at least a certain part of him anyway," Jack said.

"I believe the response to that is TMI, Jack," the Doctor said while Rose laughed.

"So this is why it's called the Room of Doom, eh?" Jack said. "Because some reject from an urban legend is buried here?"

"No, there is more, much more!" the Doctor said ominously as he hurried across the graveyard.

"Hmm, guess Captain Hook wasn't hungry after all," Jack said to Ianto as he put his arm around him.

"See this?" the Doctor said, pointing to a large, white marble crypt.

"Ooo, is that your playhouse, Barnabus?" Jack said with feigned glee. "Oh! It's ever so lovely!"

"This is the…Crypt of the Undead!" the Doctor said in a hushed voice.

"Wanna speak up, Vincent, I couldn't hear that from all the way over here," Jack said, putting his hand to his ear.

"This is the CRYPT OF THE UNDEAD!" the Doctor bellowed.

"Oh, okay, Crypt of the Undead, gotcha," Jack said while Rose and Ianto giggled. "Thanks for speaking up for a change."

"Inside," the Doctor said in his normal voice, "are the bodies of my other selves. Except…they live!"

"And what? You have slumber parties with them?" Jack said.

"Bring out the ninth Doctor, I wanna say hello," Rose called out.

The Doctor flounced over to the marble crypt door and stared at them with wide eyes while he slowly opened it.

"Yeah, I'm just shitting myself with fear right now," Jack said dryly as the Doctor went inside. "Anyone else think this is a shitty graveyard?"

They waited for the Doctor to come out. He finally did and he wore a brown fedora and a long multicolored scarf.

"I am the forth Doctor," he said in a quavering voice as he held his arms out in front of him zombie-style. "Brains!"

"Okay, I've seen enough, back to the living room, everyone?" Jack said to Rose and Ianto.

They nodded and the Doctor stared at them while they all ran out the door.

"Hey, I wasn't done yet," he said while Jack slammed the door behind them.

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