Chapter One

Jack was chatting with Mickey in the console room when suddenly the Ninth Doctor stormed inside the room. Jack and Mickey stared at him while he stomped over to the console.

"Bad day?" Jack asked him.

"Rose thinks I have no sense of humor, that I'm too serious," the Doctor said, turning to them.

"Well…yeah, at times you aren't exactly Mister Fun," Jack said.

"I have a sense of humor. I know how to be funny," the Doctor said, pointing to himself.

He sighed when Mickey and Jack gave him dubious looks.

"Okay, maybe I am a bit serious at times but that doesn't mean I know how to be funny."

"Prove it," Mickey said.

"Yeah, show us your funny," Jack said.

The Doctor folded his arms over his chest while he thought that over. Then a grin slowly spread over his face and he chuckled to himself.

"Fine, you want a joke, I'll give you a joke!" he said before running out of the room.


The Doctor returned twenty minutes later and walked over to Jack and Mickey. They looked him over but nothing seemed to have changed.

"So…where is your funny?" Jack said.

"This…is my funny," he said, pulling a small black box out of his pocket.

"Yeah, that's not really funny then," Mickey said.

"This is not the funny thing. This is a shimmer and it adds to the joke," the Doctor said.

"Really? What is it?" Mickey said.

"It's a holographic disguise. When I activate it, it will make a three dimensional disguise that will look realistic and fool anyone. Especially Rose."

"Okay, so what disguise are you using?" Jack said.

The Doctor grinned.


Rose was in the lounge. She was sitting on the sofa watching TV when Jack and Mickey burst into the room.

"Rose, we have an emergency!" Jack yelled as the two men ran up to her.

"What's wrong?" Rose said to them.

"The Doctor went completely insane and went on an eating binge!" Jacks said.

Rose gave him a confused look.

"He ate something?" she said.

"More than something, a heap of somethings," Mickey said.

"He cleaned out the larder and just kept eating and eating and now he's fat," Jack said.

"Fat? He's fat? He was thin a few hours ago," Rose said.

"Hey, he has an alien body, apparently they get fat really fast," Jack said with a shrug.

"Yeah, sure. Pull the other one," Rose said.

"It's the truth, Rose," Mickey said.

"Stop it, I'm not fooled," Rose said.

"I suppose we'll have to show you then," Jack said. "Just be prepared to be shocked."

Rose rolled her eyes while Jack walked over to the lounge doorway. She watched while Jack called for the Doctor and then the TARDIS expanded the doorway until it was twenty feet across. Then to her horror, the Doctor slowly waddled inside the room. He was nearly round like a small planet and he had several double chins. Rose leapt up from the sofa, staring at the Doctor in horror as he slowly waddled over to her.

"Doctor, what happened?" Rose said to him.

"Jammie Dodgers. I lost control," the Doctor said as he waddled over to her. "And roast beef and Yorkshire pudding and custard and boiled sweets and crisps. I couldn't stop myself and now I'm rotund."

Rose looked him over, thinking it was a costume but as far as she could tell, his fat looked real.

"You get fat this fast?" Rose said, walking around him.

"Yes. Well, my Time Lord physiology is different from yours and if I eat too much…this happens," he said, gesturing to his body.

"So what happens now?" Rose said as she came around to the front of him. "Are you going to stay put until you return to normal?"

"No, I'm not letting this stop me. I'm going to explore and see the universe!" the Doctor said emphatically.

Jack and Mickey turned to hide their grins when Rose stared at him in shock.

"You're going to go out of the TARDIS looking like a balloon?" Rose said in disbelief.

"I won't let weight gain stop me! I have a job to do!" the Doctor said.

Rose stared at him while he waddled out of the room. She looked at Jack and Mickey who managed to keep straight faces through all this.

"He's gonna fight evil looking like a blimp?" she said to them.

"Apparently so," Jack said, shrugging.

"Rose, let's go visit Jackie!" the Doctor said, leaning his head back into the room.

"What? No!" Rose said.

Mickey and Jack sniggered while Rose ran out of the room after him. Jack nudged him and they followed Rose.

By the time Rose ran out of the room, the TARDIS had made a huge doorway and made a shortcut to the console room. Rose ran across the corridor from the lounge and entered the console room. Nine was puffing heavily while he leaned against the console.

"Phew, that was quite a walk," the Doctor said to Rose while Mickey and Jack came into the room. "But I must carry on."

"Doctor, have a rest," Rose said while the Doctor waddled around the console, setting a course for Jackie's flat. "Isn't there something you can take to make you normal again?"

"Nope, only time can fix this," the Doctor said.

Jack and Mickey bit their lips when Nine let out a huge belch and excused himself while Rose made a face.

"Wonder if he'll let one rip now?" Mickey muttered in Jack's ear.

"Dunno, but this is great," Jack muttered back. "Damn, I should be filming this. Thisi s priceless."

To Rose's horror, the TARDIS landed and she heard her mother's elation at being visited by her daughter again.

"Doctor, Rose, Mickey? Are you in there?" Jackie yelled as she knocked on the front door.

"What about me? I'm not wanted?" Jack said to Mickey while Mickey sniggered.

Nine moved towards the front door but Rose quickly jumped in front of him.

"No, let me tell Mum first and warn her," she said.

"Out of the way, Rose. I'm perfectly capable of explaining myself," Nine said.

Rose got out of the way and groaned when he waddled past her to the front door. He opened it and Jackie staggered back when the TARDIS widened the front door and showed the Doctor in all his hefty glory.

"Jackie! Nice to see you again!" Nine said, opening his arms wide in greeting.

Rose groaned and put her head in her hands and Mickey and Jack giggled softly as the Doctor waddled out and they saw Jackie's stunned reaction.

"What the hell is this? A bee sting?" Jackie said, pointing to the Doctor as she looked at Rose.

"Bee sting, I didn't think of that one," Jack said, nudging Mickey.

"No, Mum, he…he overate," Rose said, slowly walking towards the ramp.

"Overate what? A dinosaur?" Jackie said while Jack and Mickey silently laughed. "A herd of dinosaurs? A bleedin' planet full of dinosaurs?"

Then they heard it. The Doctor let wind loudly and Jack and Mickey had to hurry out of the room so they could laugh without Rose hearing it. Jackie hurried inside, her face twisted in disgust.

"Sorry about that," they heard the Doctor saying.

"Rose, what is going on? How did he get this fat so fast?" Jackie said to his daughter.

"He…said he just went berserk and overate and he ballooned up," Rose said with a shrug.

"In one go? Does the man have the slowest metabolism in the universe or something?" Jackie said.

"I don't know, Mum. He's an alien," Rose said.

While they were talking, the Doctor waddled back inside and stood behind Jackie. Jackie turned and gasped when she realized his girth was in her face.

"I don't know how long it'll take to lose the pounds but I'm determined to keep going," the Doctor said to Jackie.

"Go where? You can barely walk," Jackie said.

"True but Rose is my faithful friend. I'll just find a forklift and she can drive me everywhere."

"What?" Jackie said. "My daughter is not driving your fat arse anywhere."

"That's not nice, Jackie," the Doctor said sternly as he waggled a finger at her. "Don't mock my affliction."

"Affliction? This is more than an affliction, Doctor. You're the size of a small elephant now," Jackie said. "You wanna go explore, you walk your fat arse there. She's not gonna drive your bum around."

"She is my companion. She was recruited for a moment such as this."

"Well in that case, I'm taking her back. Rose, off this ship this instant! You're not traveling anywhere with Blubberbum, at least until he's back to normal!"


"I said now, Rose! You're not about to put yourself in danger because it takes an hour for him to walk ten feet now."

The Doctor chuckled.

"It's not funny," Jackie said, turning to him. "You can barely walk. How are you gonna outrun your enemies like this?"

"By turning off my shimmer," the Doctor said.

"What? Shimmer? What's that?" Rose said.

"The holographic disguise I've been wearing all this time."

He reached into his trouser pocket. There was an enormous flash and Rose and Jackie staggered back when the flash faded and the Doctor was his normal body size. He pulled the shimmer out of his pocket and showed it to them.

"See, I do have a sense of humor, Rose," the Doctor said smugly.

Rose's mouth dropped open while Mickey and Jack laughed openly.

"What's going on?" Jackie said, looking from the Doctor to her daughter.

"The Doctor's being a right git, that's what's going on," Rose said while Mickey and Jack bent over laughing. "And they're in on the joke apparently."

"Oh man, you fell for it!" Jack said when he could get his breath back. "I mean, it's so preposterous and you just bought it completely!"

"Well I don't know what his alien body does," Rose protested while Jack and Mickey leaned against each other, howling with laughter. "It looked real! I went around his body trying to find a zipper or something and the thing looked real."

"It's supposed to look real, Rose," the Doctor said.

Rose tried to give him a stern look but it wilted quickly and she finally chuckled at the impish look on the Doctor's face.

"You lot are insane," Jackie said, looking at everyone. "You four are just made for each other, no wonder you get along so well."

They watched as Jackie walked out of the TARDIS, muttering under her breath about how all of them were barking mad.

"See that, Rose. That's the one with no sense of humor!" the Doctor said, pointing back to the front door as the TARDIS resized it.

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