River Song walked down the TARDIS corridor humming softly to herself. She had gotten permission from Stormcage officials to visit her family and she had been spending the day with her mother and father hanging out in the living room, watching movies, eating and chatting. She was on her way to the loo when the Doctor suddenly turned the corner up ahead of her. She was about to give him her usual hello sweetie when suddenly the Doctor froze in his tracks with a look of terror on his face.

"What is it?" River said, freezing in her tracks a few feet away from him.

"My scones!" the Doctor yelled before spinning around and running back the way he came.

"Your scones?" River muttered before she decided to follow him.

She ran after him and rounded the corner just in time to see him slamming a door near the end of the corridor. She ran to it, opened it up and jumped back in shock when Eleven kissed her nose.

"River, River, River, you'll follow me anywhere if I get a panicky face on my…face," he said.

"So…no scones?" River said.

"No scones. However…come along, Song!"

He turned and walked into the room. River followed him and gasped when she nearly fell after stepping onto a moving sidewalk in the semidarkness. The Doctor was a few feet ahead of her, hands behind his back as he calmly rode the conveyance. So far, the walls were bare and there was only the sidewalk beneath their feet as they rode along the dimly lit corridor.

"Still back there?" the Doctor called out.

"So far," River said.

"Yup, follow me anywhere, she will," the Doctor said without looking back at her.

"I'm bored and you're cute," River answered him.

She noticed that ahead of them the sidewalk turned into an escalator. The Doctor calmly rode it up but River stepped onto the step when it made the transition. She wondered where the hell they were going while the escalator went up and up into the darkness. The only lights now were small roundel lights on either side of the escalator.

Then a hologram of the Doctor appeared in between her and the real Doctor.

"Good afternoon, I am the holographic explainer of things," Holo Eleven said to her. "Do you have any queries for me?"

River glanced at the real Doctor but he was ignoring his holo self or pretending to ignore it at any rate. She looked at the hologram who was smiling warmly at her while he waited for a response.

"Um…where are we going?" River asked the hologram.

"To Hell!" the hologram said ominously.

"Really? I knew the TARDIS was big but I didn't know it was that big," River said while the real Doctor snickered softly. "What are we going to Hell for?"

"For fun," the hologram said.

"Ah…" River said. "Are you able to have sex with humans?"

The real Doctor frowned and glanced over his shoulder at River while she tried to keep a straight face.

"I am not equipped for that function," the hologram said primly.

"Ah…well, can you be reprogrammed to do that function?" River said, trying desperately not to laugh at the odd look the real Doctor was giving her.

"I do not understand the question," the hologram said.

"Can I do something to make you sexually active, Holosweetie?" River said.

"Um…River," the real Doctor said, "why are you asking my hologram weird questions?"

"Because apparently that's how I get a response from you. Now where are we going…and don't say Hell," River said.

"We are going to Hell," the Doctor said, pointing up into the darkness.

"Well, if this is Hell, it's a pretty dark place. And could you make this…go away?" River said, pointing to the hologram.

The Doctor asked the hologram to leave and River breathed a sigh of relief when it vanished. She moved up behind the Doctor.

"Seriously, where are we going?" River asked.

"Hell, how many times do I have to say that?" the Doctor said.

"Fine, we're going to Hell," River said, not wanting to argue with him.

They reached the top of the escalator and River shielded her eyes when lights suddenly came on. The escalator had gone back to being the moving sidewalk and when she took her hand away from her eyes, she was shocked to see a rather comfortable looking room. The carpet around the moving sidewalk was deep red with black specks in it. The walls were painted black and the furniture was the same red shade as the carpet. The tables were metallic while the chairs and sofa were leather. A few art deco floor lamps were scattered around the room, throwing a soft light on the room. The moving sidewalk slowed and stopped in front of a black marble fireplace and while River stared at it, a fire ignited inside it.

"Welcome to Hell," the Doctor said, turning to River and spreading his arms wide.

"Hell is a pretty nice place," River said, looking around.

"Yes. Hell in this case stands for Heavenly Exotic Lovers Lounge. So you see, I wasn't making it up," the Doctor said.

"Do my parents know about this?" River said.

"No and they're not going to find out about it because I don't want odd stains on my furniture and nun's habits on my floor. You, however, I can trust," he said, taking her hand. "Shall we?"

"Ooo…" River said as they walked off the moving sidewalk onto the carpet. There was a flash and a bottle of wine and two wine glasses appeared on the table in front of the sofa. The Doctor smiled at River while he uncorked it and poured them some wine.

"To us," he said, holding up the glass.

"To us," River said as they clinked the glasses.

They sat down on the floor in front of the fire and snuggled close together, sipping the wine while they held hands and watched the flames dancing in the fireplace.


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