GRUMPY DOCTORS

Clara couldn't believe what was going on. It had started out innocently enough. Her and the Twelfth Doctor were visiting an alien planet and they thought they were alone. Then they stumbled onto another TARDIS that was identical to theirs near a large swamp. Her Doctor had cursed and tried to get her to walk away when suddenly the occupants of the other TARDIS returned, an old man, a young man, a woman and a teenager. Her Doctor and the old man stared at one another for a moment and then the argument began.

"I say, who are you and what do you want?" the old man said to her Doctor.

"I'm the Doctor and I'm exploring this planet with my friend, Clara," he Doctor replied curtly.

"No, my dear boy, I'm the Doctor, hm?" the other Doctor said.

"No, you're just one Doctor, I'm the Doctor too," Twelve said in a condescending tone.

One gripped his lapels and encircled Twelve studying him intently.

"Doctor, what's going on?" Ian said.

"It seems, my dear boy, that I have been visited by a somewhat paler version of myself," One said curtly as he came back to his original position.

"I wouldn't talk, old man," Twelve said angrily.

"Old man, ha! You're older than me, aren't you, hm?" One said. "How old are you then?"

Twelve shifted uneasily.

"2000," he muttered.

"Sorry, what was that?" One said, putting his hand to his ear.

"I'm 2000 years old," Twelve muttered.

"Speak up, dear boy. Tell everyone here how old you really are."

"I'M 2000 YEARS OLD, YOU DEAF GIT!" Twelve bellowed.

"I'm 450 years old and you're calling me an old man, hm? Ha ha, I think you're extremely deluded, my dear fellow. You're the old one!"

"At least I didn't drop dead and regenerate after battling a few measly Cybermen," Twelve muttered.

"I'm sorry, what was that?"

"Never mind and no, I'm not going to repeat it for ya," Twelve said. "Now, are you going to leave this place?"

"What? Me? Why should I leave?" One said.

"Because Clara and I want to explore this place and we can't do it while you're here!"

"Well, excuse me, my boy, while I pull out the world's smallest violin and play it," One said testily.

One gave him a smug look when he saw Twelve glaring at him.

"Look," Ian said, walking up beside One. "Why don't we all calm down and think about this in a logical manner?"

"Shut up, Chesterton," One said.

"Yeah, shut up, Chesterton," Twelve added.

Ian glared at Twelve. Twelve shrugged.

"If anyone needs to shut up around here, it's the two of you," Ian said angrily. "Now come along, Doctor, let's leave this…person behind and go explore."

"Oh yeah, this is when I took orders from the pudding headed ape who thought he knew it all," Twelve said gleefully.

"Chesterton, just go and stand with the others, eh?" One said, trying to wave him away.

Twelve grinned and mimed whipping the air while he made a whipping sound.

"Yeah, I remember those days. Me falling down every minute or getting captured and it was Chesterton to the rescue. Well, Sonny Jim, you won't be able to do that pussy whipping behavior with me," he said to Ian.

"Doctor, come on, let's go," Clara said, walking up beside Twelve.

"Oho, what was that about pussy whipping, my boy?" One said gleefully.

"I don't…listen to that," Twelve said, giving a dismissive wave in Clara's direction. "She's soft in the head just like Take Charge Chesterton here."

"Excuse me but I won't be addressed that way by some elderly Doctor," Ian said angrily.

"Elderly? How you seen the old fart you've been travelin' with?" Twelve said, pointing to One. "At least I don't look like I'm ready for a retirement home."

"At least I know how to conduct myself properly in public," One said haughtily.

"You mean like falling down and getting ill and leaving Hitler in charge of the troops?" Twelve said to One as he pointed to Ian.

"Now wait just one moment. I am not Hitler," Ian said to Twelve. "Why don't you go back where you came from?"

"Why don't you? I'm sure Coal Hill School is in utter chaos right now without your benevolent guidance," Twelve shot back. "Then again, I'm sure it would be anyway since you'd be too busy bonking Barbara under some desk somewhere."

One bit his lip to stifle his laughter as Ian's mouth dropped open.

"She is just a friend," Ian said, pointing back to Barbara.

"Yeah, you just keep telling yourself that, Chesterton," Twelve said. "You may have thought I was a doddering old fool but I knew what went on in the TARDIS corridors after hours."

"I…I didn't," Ian stammered. "You're lying."

"Yeah and you're not a pompous control freak. Bye bye now, Chesterton!" Twelve said, giving him a sarcastic wave.

"Bye bye now, Doctor," One said, mocking his wave.

"No, you go. We're staying here!" Twelve said, pointing to the ground in front of his feet.

"I most certainly am not going, my dear boy. We are staying right here, hm?"

"And will you quit saying "Hm" every ten seconds?" Twelve said. "It makes you look daft."

"I am not daft! I am perfectly sane, hm?"

"Doctor, come on, let's go," Clara said, tugging at Twelve's arm.

"Yes, let's go, Doctor. This is getting ridiculous," Ian said to One.

"I agree. Come along, Susan!" Twelve said, waving her over.

"What?" One said. "She's not going with you. She's my granddaughter, hm?"

"She's my granddaughter as well and stop hming, will ya? Susan, come on! Trust me, you will live to regret it in a few weeks."

"And why is that, dear boy?" One said to him.

"Because…she'll be…chucked out the door," he finished saying in a mumble.

"I'm sorry, what was that last part after "she'll be…"

"Nothing, nothing. Come on, Susan, come with us!"

"Susan, Ian, Barbara, back into the TARDIS before the loony kidnaps you all!" One said, pointing to the TARDIS.

"I'm the loony?" Twelve said, pointing to himself. "At least, I don't walk around hming and hoing and saying my dear boy every ten seconds."

One was about to respond to that when everyone heard the wheezing sound of another TARDIS. To their amazement, a TARDIS materialized right beside Twelve's TARDIS and powered down. The door opened and the Ninth Doctor stepped outside and froze.

"Oh no," he said as Rose and Jack stepped out behind him.

"Ugh, not Dumbo ears as well," Twelve said.

"I'm sorry but why are my future selves ugly and freakish looking?" One said. "Makes me want to hold on to this body for as long as possible."

"Well at least some of us aren't ready for the retirement home," Nine said as he walked over to them.

"Ha, I said that as well," Twelve said gleefully.

"Who are you?" Nine said to him.

"I'm you," Twelve replied.

"What? You mean I end up old again? How long's that gonna be?" Nine said.

"Not long enough," One said.

"Stay out of this, Grandpa," Nine said to him.

"I'm amazed that you keep calling me old when you're my future selves," One said. "Perhaps you're the deluded ones, hm?"

"You noticed how we used to say hm a lot?" Twelve said to Nine.

"Yeah, which is why I don't do it now. I also didn't want to look nine hundred years old but I guess that bubble's gonna burst," Nine said, eyeing Twelve.

"At least I don't have ears that can pick up satellite signals from Mars," Twelve retorted.

"Oho, good one, my boy," One said.

"SHUT IT, GRANDPA!" Twelve and One yelled at him.

"Jack, what's going on?" Rose asked Jack.

"I don't know but suddenly I have a craving for old men," Jack said, staring at Twelve's butt.

Twelve followed Jack's line of sight and quickly spun around. Then put his hands over his crotch when he noticed Jack focusing in on that.

"I wouldn't worry about it, Gramps," Nine said to Twelve. "I'm sure even Jack doesn't want a shriveled up, miniscule raisin."

Twelve glared at him, his mouth opened as he tried to think of a snappy comeback. Then he grinned, walked over to Rose and Nine's mouth dropped open when Twelve seized her and snogged her senseless for twenty seconds before letting go and walking back over to him.

"Hey, can I have some of that now," Jack said behind him as he gave Nine a triumphant look.

"You'll pay for that," Nine said to him.

"Why? She's as much mine as she is yours, DEAR BOY?" Twelve sneered.

"Now see her, I do not like being mocked by my future selves, hm?"

"ENOUGH WITH THE HMING!" Nine and Twelve yelled at him.

Ian sighed. He signaled to Barbara and One looked at them in panicked confusion as they grabbed his arms and pulled him away from the group.

"What is this?" One said, fighting against their grip. "Unhand me, you apes. I wasn't finished yet!"

"Yes, Doctor, you're finished," Ian said as Susan opened the door.

Twelve grinned and made the whipping noise and motion as Ian and Barbara dragged him inside and slammed the door shut. He turned to Nine.

"Now that that's sorted, your turn," Twelve said to Nine.

"Me. No, you go," Nine said to him.

"I was here first, Elephant Ears!"

"I don't care, OAP!"

"Excuse me, can I get a snog from you…either of you?"

"SHUT UP, HARKNESS!" both Doctors yelled at him.

They were about to go back to their argument when they heard another TARDIS wheezing.

"Oh bollocks," Twelve said, turning towards the new TARDIS. "Now what?"

The doors opened and Twelve and Nine's eyes bulged when they saw Six and Peri step outside. Six and Peri froze when they saw everyone.

"What is this?" Six said.

"Okay, I'm not willing to get into an argument with Off Your Trolley over there," Twelve said to Nine.

"Me neither. I say we leave and let him have this planet," Nine said.

"Fine with me. Come on, Clara."

"At last," Clara said, breathing a sigh of relief.

"Jack, Rose, let's go," Nine said, beckoning to them.

"Can't I get a snog from anyone?"

"Now, Jack!" Nine growled at him.

Jack sighed and he and Rose followed Nine as Clara walked with Twelve back to their TARDISes. Six and Peri watched as both parties shut their doors and both TARDISes dematerialized.

"Was it something I said?" Six said to Peri.

Peri shrugged.

"Ah well, anyway, let's go find some adventure, shall we?" Six said to Peri before the two of them walked off.

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