HAPPY HILLBILLY THANKSGIVING!

Chapter Fifteen

After their baths, Brittany and Michelle went back downstairs. While they were upstairs, Jim had come down and built another fire for them to enjoy so by the time the girls came down, it was blazing and heating up the room. The Doctor and his family pulled out their snacks and let the two girls eat with them while the snow fell steadily outside. As a joke, Brittany brought down her E.T. DVD and the Doctor groaned when she put it in. The girls were now giggling hysterically while the Doctor made rude comments about the film for their amusement.

"See, look at him," the Doctor said, pointing to E.T. while he waddled away from his spaceship. "Look at the way he's designed. He looks like a piece of poo with penguin feet. How is he supposed to move quickly when danger comes? Oh, wait that's right, he doesn't move fast enough and gets left behind when his poo people flee the planet. Big ostrich necked piece of poo, I could kick you down the stairs without breaking a sweat."

"Wow, you really hate this film, don't ya?" Amy said while everyone laughed.

"Look at me, am I a short midgety piece of poo?" the Doctor said, raising up from the bed and pointing to himself.

"Yes," Michelle said.

"I wasn't asking you, Bookworm," the Doctor said while she giggled. "I was asking the Ginge over there. Am I a piece of poo?"

"Um…do you want an honest answer?" Amy said.

"No, lie to me," the Doctor said dryly.

"Okay, then. No, you're not a piece of poo," Amy said while they laughed.

"Thanks, Pond," the Doctor said while they laughed harder. "And also, ALSO, if I were stranded on another planet which would be highly unlikely, I would not seek the assistance of some pot smoking teenage geeks who were playing Dungeons and Dragons while they were supposed to be babysitting. Nor would I fall for the trail of Reece's Pieces…unless trails of sweets leading to houses are a normal thing on E.T.'s homeworld, then yes, I would fall for that."

"God, you're hilarious," Brittany said when she managed to stop laughing. "You're nothing like what I thought aliens would be."

"Why, what did you think they were like?" the Doctor said. "Squid headed things that went "Rrrrrr" and waved their tentacle arms about?"

"Yes, actually," Brittany said. "You're very humanlike."

"Oughta be, I spent enough time around you lot," the Doctor said, reaching into a bag of crisps by the bed and fishing out a crisp.

"Did you do this on your planet?" Michelle said, getting on her knees and folding her arms on the side of the sofa while she spoke to him.

"Do what? Make fun of films while I crammed salty snacks into my gob?" the Doctor said after swallowing the crisp.

"Did you have sleepovers with people?" Michelle said.

"No, unless you count spending time with an old hermit on a mountain having a sleepover," the Doctor said.

"Why were you spending time with an old hermit?" Amy said, looking over her shoulder at him while she sat near the end of the sofa with Rory.

"Because he used to tell me ghost stories and I found it highly entertaining," the Doctor said, reaching into the crisp bag again.

"What kind of ghost stories?" Michelle said.

"Alien ghost stories," the Doctor said, his eyes twinkling.

"Tell us one," Brittany said.

"But what about the piece of poo?" the Doctor said, pointing to the TV. "You don't want to watch him stumble around and make an idiot of himself?"

In response, Brittany got up, turned off the movie and the TV and walked over to the stairs. She turned off the overhead lights and walked back to her place beside the sofa.

"I'm guessing that's a no," Amy said. "Apparently, they want the ghost story."

The Doctor stared at the fire for a moment while he thought of one. The others waited until he finally cleared his throat, turned on his back and adjusted his blanket.

"Once, long ago on Gallifrey," he intoned while everyone listened. "There lived a very old man who had the secret of immortality. Some people wondered how he managed to achieve this but he would never tell, saying only that it came at a price. Finally, a young man decided he would get the truth out of this man if it were the last thing he'd ever do so he went to find him. He found the man milking a cow inside a dairy and cornered him there, demanding to know what the secret of immortality was. Alright, I'll tell you, the man said, but you must pay the same price I did. Okay, the youth said, tell me. Well, you have to go find the planet of the piece of poo people and talk to their leader, some crossdressing git called E.T."

"Geez," Amy said, rolling her eyes while the children giggled.

"Okay, where do I find this planet of poo people?" the Doctor intoned. "Well, said the old man, you must follow the galactic trail of Reece's Pieces and you will find the planet of poo people. Done, the young man said and off he went on a search for Reece's Pieces."

"I don't think this is what the children had in mind when they wanted to hear a ghost story from your planet," Rory said.

"What? I'm telling them one," the Doctor said.

"An authentic one, doofus, not the one you thought up on the spot," Amy said.

"Were you there when the hermit told me this story?" the Doctor said while the children giggled.

"No, but you're continuing your little rant about E.T. in the guise of a ghost story," Amy said.

"E.T.'s people are real," the Doctor said. "They were known as the Poo People among the Time Lords, I grew up calling them that."

"Whatever," Amy said, rolling her eyes while Brittany and Michelle laughed harder.

"Anyway," the Doctor said, looking at the ceiling while Amy looked at her husband and rolled her eyes again, "the young man finally found the trail of Reece's Pieces and he followed them across the universe to a tiny planet that was brown, like the color of poo. He walked onto the planet and found the poo people. He said, make me immortal and all of the poo people said, "E.T., phone home," in a raspy voice and no matter how many times the youth asked for immortality, that's all they would say to him until he went insane and died and became an insane ghost searching for immortality. The end."

Amy gave him several sarcastic claps while the children laughed.

"No wonder you fled your planet if that passed for entertainment there," Rory said.

"Well, we also passed the time quizzing each other on algebra problems, it was wonderful," the Doctor said.

"Mm, sounds like you had a blast alright," Amy said.

"Oh, it was loads of fun," the Doctor said while the children giggled. "For fun, we'd also draw pictures of various molecules and challenge others to guess what they were."

"Wow, I'm sorry I missed out on that," Amy said dryly.

"Your mother is very cynical, you notice that?" the Doctor said to River.

"Yes, I did notice but it's probably because you lie all the time," River said.

"I never!" the Doctor said with mock indignity.

"Rule one…" Amy prompted.

The Doctor feigned confusion and stared at her while the children giggled.

"Yes?" he finally said.

"You know what rule one is," Amy said.

"I do?" he said.

"Yes, you do," Amy said.

"Well, apparently I'm having a massive brain fart at the moment because I can't recall what rule one is," the Doctor said, looking at the ceiling.

"What is rule one?" Brittany asked Amy.

"Rule one, the Doctor lies," Amy said.

"What?" the Doctor said, feigning shock while he looked at her. "I never! How could you say that about me, Amy Pond, after all we've been through and…put that back," the Doctor growled at Michelle, pointing at her when she tried to take his bag of crisps away.

The Doctor feigned anger while Michelle held the bag against her body and stuck her tongue out at him.

"Mine now," Michelle said impishly.

She giggled when the Doctor's mouth fell open and he stared at her in disbelief.

"I just told you a story from my homeworld and how do you repay me? You steal from me!" he said.

"You said I could have some," Michelle said.

"I said you could have half a crisp, not the whole bag," the Doctor said, trying to grab for the bag.

Michelle giggled, leapt up and ran with the bag. The Doctor sat up and everyone laughed when she opened the door of her clubhouse and ran inside with the bag.

"Hey!" the Doctor said while Michelle turned on the light inside the room and came outside with no bag.

She stood by the door and stuck her tongue out and laughed when the Doctor jabbed his finger at the spot where the bag had been.

"Shelly, you will return that bag post haste," the Doctor said while he jabbed his finger repeatedly at the empty spot by the sofa.

"What will you give me for them?" Michelle said.

"I'll go to my TARDIS, grab a cricket bat and give you a beating, the likes of which you've never seen before. That's what I'll give you!" the Doctor said while the others giggled.

Michelle went back inside, turned off the light and came back outside with the bag. She closed the door and trotted over to the Doctor but she stopped by the side of the sofa and gave him another mischievous look while she held the bag to her body.

"Well?" the Doctor said.

"I don't see any water," Michelle said.

"Huh?" the Doctor said, frowning.

"You said well. Wells have water in them and I don't see any water," Michelle said, looking around.

"Give me the bag, Cheeky Monkey!" the Doctor said while the others roared with laughter.

Michelle handed him the bag and he grinned and kissed her cheek before sharing his bag of crisps with her.

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