HOW I MET YOUR FATHER
Not much happened since Jack and I decided to be friends. First there was the Cousin incident… Okay, maybe some things happened. I'll give you a quick summary. The Cousin incident all began when River greeted us one October evening…. "Hello sweeties," River trilled as she strolled towards her friends, drink in hand, and a glittering smile that made Rose shudder. Just a little bit, and only because she knew that smile. That smile usually meant Trouble with a capital T. "Guess what I got?" "Chlamydia?" "Very funny," River glared at Amy. "No I have free passes for the new hot night club Skaro. Who wants to join me tomorrow for the most awesome experience of their lives? It will be legen – wait for it – dary!" "I'm in," Jack grinned, "I've been trying to get into Skaro for weeks." "Might as well," Rose shrugged, "it's not as if I have anything better to do." "Sorry," Amy said, completely and totally not sorry at all, "but Rory and I can't we have plans." "Ooh," Jack teased as he waggled his eyebrows suggestively, "what sort of plans? And why wasn't I invited?" Rose thumped him for the comment but he remained entirely shameless as he continued to tease Rory, who flushed bright pink, and Amy. "Not those type of plans," Amy huffed, "grown up plans!" "I suggested grown up ones," Jack smirked, "my ideas aren't for kids." "Mature ones," Amy asserted, "sophisticated ones." "Boring ones," Rory bemoaned. Kids as you know back in 2005 your Aunt Amy was a drama teacher and all of her work colleagues were a bit older and more sophisticated than her. After she found herself being unable to confess to a drinking competition filled weekend to a work friend who had just described her weekend spent in antique fairs, Rory soon found his life filled with sophisticated and mature events. And they were all totally boring. "We're holding a wine tasting event tomorrow night," Amy said primly, "apparently there will be a highly expensive vintage." "You know those things aren't fun at all," River said unimpressed, "you spend all of your time not drinking. Unlike at Skaro where the drinks are buy one get one free." Amy remained un-swayed, and as Rory and she prepared for their boring evening, River had kidnapped me and dressed me in the sluttiest thing I have ever worn, no I will not describe it to you and if I catch you wearing anything like it young lady I will embarrass you in front of all of your friends! Well it will be even worse! Anyway, Skaro was nothing like we had thought it was the music was far too loud (and heavy metal, urgh), the drinks were expensive, I had lost your Aunt River in the crowd, and your Uncle Jack decided to grind up against some random skank for the whole night. His seduction technique apparently. Nothing exciting happened until your Uncle Rory showed up. Apparently he had jumped out of the bathroom window to escape the boring-ness of his night. Considering our flat is three floors up from the street I don't believe him. Especially when Amy showed up not that long after him. I reckon they just snapped and kicked everyone out of the flat but there's no point trying to get them to admit it. "Urgh!" River yelled in Rose's ear. "The drinks are not worth the money, the music is crap, and none of these guys are worth taking home either. Why did I bring you too this shit hole?" "I dunno," Rose laughed as she took River's hands and danced with her. It was far safer and more fun than dancing with some handsy creep. As much as she liked Jack she did think his technique of grinding up against a random woman all night was a bit creepy. She really didn't want that to happen to her by some stranger. "Because you said it was gonna be legendary?" "I was wrong." "I'll remind you that you said that." "And I will deny it to my dying breath." They danced in silence after that in order to save their voices. They cringed as Rory danced like a buffoon without Amy there to make him a soppy graceful twit, and smirked in great delight when Amy appeared in her shortest skirt and poor Rory gulped at the fearsomely angry look on her face. Rose missed what happened next because River promptly abandoned her for some hot guy and as she turned to look for her so called friend, she saw the girl Jack had been grinding against for the best part of the evening turn round, and Jack's rosy cheeks turn chalk white before he ran out. Unable to fight against the curiosity, Rose followed. "Hey!" she called out as Jack staggered out onto the street. "Where are you going?" "Somewhere far, far, away where I can curl up and die," Jack said somewhat cheerfully. Though there was definitely a tremor in his voice. "I never want to think of this night again." "I know the club is shit and all that," the bouncer coughed to remind her that there was a group of people queued up desperately wanting in on this terrible club. Rose didn't really give a crap and carried on regardless, "but there's not excuse to die." "That's not why," Jack said tightly. "Was it the girl?" Rose asked trying not to be gleeful at the idea. "Was she hideous? Had lots of warts?" "No." "An ex-girlfriend then?" "No, she was," Jack hesitated and the finally, after taking a deep breath, he said, "she was my Cousin Alice." Rose really couldn't help it. She tried to keep her mouth shut, even bit her lip with full force, but it came out anyway, first as a snort, and then a full out hysterical laughter. "Oh laugh it up!" Jack huffed. She did. "It's not funny!" "It is," Rose giggled, "it so is." She laughed even more until Jack, in a total sulking fit, stormed off, and Rose had to run after him. "Don't be like that! I didn't mean to be mean," she said as she threaded her arm through Jack's, "I'm just glad that it isn't me that keeps making a fool of herself." Jack sighed, defeated. "I suppose it is sort of funny," he smiled wryly but then his eyes bored into hers with an intensity no man has ever looked at her with. "Promise you won't tell anyone?" "I promise." Oops? DWDWDWDWDWDW After finally seeing Jack as a human being instead of the gorgeous se- err, Prince Charming I had first thought of him as I found it a tiny bit easier to be friends with him. Not that much easier, I was still stupidly attracted to him at the time. Especially when he did the impossible – Get your Aunt River to dress up. Now you might all be wondering what the hell I'm going on about. After all your Aunt River always dresses up in silly costumes like for your fairy-tale themed birthday party when you turned seven she arrived as the Fairy Godmother, big puffy skirt and all, but before that she hated that sort of thing. She had thought Amy, Rory, and I were saddest people for dressing up especially in our co-ordinated costumes in fact that year we were - "Err…Hello Harry Potter." Jack had been looking forwards to a night at Galifrey's and see how the Brits celebrated Halloween. He had gone somewhat all out with his Captain Jack Sparrow costume (why not be a different Jack altogether for one night?) but he hadn't expected the door to Rose's flat to be answered by a be-speckled, black haired, scarred wizard and not the pretty blonde, or redhead, or even male roommate of his favourite trio. "Hello Captain," Rose as Harry replied cheerfully, "Where have you parked the Black Pearl?" "Somewhere near the sea," Jack grinned, "aren't you supposed to be in school?" "I did a bunk." Jack would have continued to playfully flirt with Rose/Harry (because there was nothing wrong with harmless flirting when they're friends, and he wasn't leading her on because he had made it clear that he didn't want anything serious) but a short Ron Weasley who had obviously tucked her long red hair into her shirt collar. "Well hello Captain," Amy/Ron purred happily. "Nice costume," Jack grinned even more, "Who is Rory, Hagrid? Neville Longbottom?" "I wish," Rory said only half miserably as he stepped out of his room. Jack blinked as he took in the long bushy wig, the short school skirt, and the large Mary Jane's. "I wish I could say I lost the coin toss but that really wasn't the case." "Can anyone explain to me why Rory is the girl in this scenario?" Rose raised an eyebrow. "Does it really need saying?" Amy smirked. "No, I suppose not." "Oi!" "So is River going to be your Ginny?" Jack asked eagerly as he ignored Rory's desperate ramble on how he had no choice but to be Hermione as Amy had to be Ron, and Rose refused to be Amy's girlfriend, okay he refused the idea of Rose being Amy's girlfriend but still – "And why wasn't I invited for the group costume?" Jack asked loudly over Rory's babbling. "Don't be offended sweetie," Amy said, "It's always been just the three of us. We were the three musketeers last year." "And River doesn't celebrate Halloween," Rosh shrugged as Jack gasped in horror. How can anyone not celebrate Halloween? "She hates costumes, and refused to dress up when we invited her to a fancy dress party years back, said it was stupid, and we never bothered since." "Well I'll change that right away," Jack declared passionately, "no one should go around never dressing up in their life. It makes things dull, and grey, and uninteresting. I will find River, get her dressed up in something fabulous, and then I shall meet you in the bar with a beautiful stranger…oh and River." DWDWDWDWDWDW At the umpteenth knock River snapped. Having endured this year in and year out, she was prepared with her own water gun filled up with spoilt milk to squirt at the horrible children who obviously can't read. After all, her sign clearly stated there was no sweets in her house. "Can't you brats rea- Jack?" River blinked as instead of horrible trickster children (if she counted the amount of times she got egg on her favourite shirt this time round of year she would loss count long ago) there stood Rose's gorgeous crush. "What are you doing here?" "I came to get you dressed for the ball!" Jack exclaimed cheese-ily. "No," River said flatly. "Oh come on!" Jack pouted adorably. "It will be fun. Lots of drinks and sweets at Galifrey's. Rory is in a dress. And I will do my rendition-" "Rory's in a what?" "A dress, he is dressed up as a little school girl." "Awesome!" River dropped the water gun and grabbed her handbag instead. "Just let me get my coat and we'll go." "After we get you in your costume." "Hell no." "Why not?" "Because I said so!" "That's not a real answer and you know it. Why?" "It's none of your business!" "Oh come on River, you're awesome and fun, why won't you dress up? Why are you being so boring?" "Because I never got to dress up as a kid!" River shrieked. There is an awkward silence as she closed her eyes in horror. She never admitted that to anyone. Ever. Not even to her friends. And now this new-ish friend who she barely knows got it out of her just like that. "I…we didn't do Halloween at the dumping grounds they called homes. Some of my foster parents wouldn't take me but normally I had no family around Halloween…the only time I had a Halloween I was wearing a costume that didn't fit and spent the entire experience being reminded door after door how I didn't have a family, and I swore I would never endure that again. No go away Jack, I just want to drink my gin and watch my film in peace." "But River," Jack breathed, "you do have a family." She arched a disbelieving eyebrow at him. "You have me," Jack pointed out, "and Rose, and Amy and Rory. We're your family. You can dress up and have fun with us." River hated that he was right. Because he so was…but to admit that they were…what if they left her too? "I can't go," River clung to her final excuse, "I don't have a costume." "Lucky for you," Jack had a very evil grin on his face as he held up a hanger with a plastic bag covering the awful multi-colour monstrosity in it, "I have a costume guy." "You got to be kidding me!" DWDWDWDWDW It was a great night. I honestly don't remember the details because I was actually incredibly drunk that night. Don't look at me like that I was young and over age! It's allowed. But River looked fantastic in the multi-coloured feather dress as she played the parrot to Jack's pirate. In fact - "And in First place for group costume," Chris, the bartender announced as dramatically as possible. In fact he held his breath for a few tense seconds and everyone leaned in as the tension was beginning to kill them, especially Rose, Amy, and Rory who had set out each and every year to win this and still haven't. ".. Is Jack Harkness as pirate, and River Song as his pet parrot!" "YES!" Jack roared over the enthusiastic applause. "You mean I dressed in a skirt for nothing!" Rory wailed. "Not for nothing," Amy giggled flirtatiously as she placed a hand on his lower thigh. "I've been given a great advantage." "Still here, with River and Jack, and the entire bar," Rose reminded her sex fiend of a friend. "I won!" River cried out happily as she accepted the plastic trophy. "I won! I can't believe I have won!" she threw her arms round Jack. "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Best night of my life!" she declared. River will deny it the next day and every day after that but that is what she said nonetheless. "Cheer up guys," Jack said the depressed trio, "there's always next year. In fact we'll be together in a super awesome group costume." "Like the Power Rangers!" Rory cried out. "Dibs on Green!" "We're not doing the Power Rangers," Amy said sternly, "we should do something where we get to play with makeup and wigs, not have big heavy helmets on making it difficult to drink." "We'll think of something," Jack said reassuringly, "we have all year." "We'll definitely win together," River beamed. We didn't win. DWDWDWDWDWDW And then finally there is the Glasgow incident… "Why are we at the airport?" It was a bitterly cold March morning. Valentine's Day had been entirely not worth mentioning as had Christmas, and now on this boring day, River had kidnapped Rose from Galifrey's to go to an airport of all things. You know sometimes Rose wonders what it would be like to have a normal friend. "Oh you know," River waved a dismissive hand, "meet a guy, go on an adventure, do something other than sit in a bar….the usual." "Right," Rose said sarcastically, "the usual because it's normal to pick up guys in an airport." "You'd be surprised," River smirked. It was a really filthy smirk as well which led to the question just what exactly has River done in airports? Actually you know what? Don't answer that, Rose doesn't want to know. "I'm going home," Rose announced, "you do what you like." "But Rose-" Whatever argument River had got lost in the sudden rush of someone shoving Rose which of course caused her to stumble and stagger into two rather good looking blokes. One of which caught her with ease. "Are you all right?" a Scottish accent asked. Rose swooned a little. If there was something she loved more than Jack's Hollywood American accent it was a sexy lyrical Scottish accent. "Yeah," she blushed, "just lost my footing." "Rose!" River called out looking concerned as she rushed to her side. "Thank you sirs, I was worried sick, my friend here is jeopardy friendly-" "Excuse me?" Rose squawked indignantly. "And I thought the worst when I turned round and couldn't find her," River finished off sweetly. She looked up at the two men with an expression of utter innocence that Rose knew was bullshit. "How can I thank you for keeping her safe?" "It was nothing," the blonde man said. He had an equally sexy Scottish accent like his smaller dark friend who had caught Rose. "We just couldn't let a pretty lady fall," the dark haired one agreed. "Well thank you," River said as she held her hand out, "I'm River." "Sylvester," said the dark one. "Colin," the blonde one. They all shook hands and Rose introduced herself to the men, River smoothly carried on the conversation from Rose to the men (they were both PhD students in science) to airports, and then finally to where they were going. "Just to Glasgow," Colin shrugged. "Really? How weird!" River cried out. "That's where we're going!" "What a coincidence," Sylvester commented. "Perhaps we'll see each other on the plane?" River said. "Perhaps," Colin agreed a touch flirty. They then said their goodbyes and River's innocent expression melted away quicker than snow in the rain. "I'll get the tickets then, you wait here," she ordered Rose. "What?!" Rose shrieked. "NO! We are not going to Glasgow!" "Why not? " River said flippantly. "There's nothing better to do and those men are hot." She then decided to change tactics before Rose could argue with her. "Oh come on, Rose," River moaned, "it'll be an adventure, something fun, in fact it will be legendary!" "You always say that!" "I do not!" "You do too! For example when that blizzard had hit us in January..." "Rose!" River shouted joyfully when Rose blearily opened the door. "Snowball fight three streets away, all hot sweaty men, it will be legendary! Snow slut up!" Irritated Rose slammed the door shut on River's face, it was far too early to be thinking about breakfast let alone snowball fights. And then of course it was far too cold but unfortunately something was niggling in the back of Rose's mind. She opened the door again, "Okay I have to know," she confessed, "how do you snow slut up?" "Tight jeans of course, sweetie," River grinned perversely, "they won't be able to take their eyes off of you." "Ah, no." Rose slammed the door shut once more and ignored River's knocking as she crawled back into bed where it was warm and toasty, and there was no whacko wanting her to look like a slut in the middle of a blizzard. Her sleep was disrupted once more when River broke in via the fire escape but that's an entirely different story. "River I said no – Oi! Don't run off!" she was ignored. "Don't run up that escalator!" she was ignored again. "Don't run up that secondary escalator!" at this point Rose sort of gave up and sat on the empty suitcase that River had inexplicably brought with them. Why was she friends with that madwoman again? When River returned Rose had no choice but to go to the boarding gate with her….mainly because River grabbed her arm and forcibly dragged her there while she was also on her phone inviting Amy to join them via car. "You can't invite Amy!" Rose hissed, "She has a thirty odd essays to mark!" "Too late," River snapped her phone shut, "she says she's on her way." Rose was the only responsible and sensible girl in the group. It was the only explanation of this night. As she dejectedly ended up on an airplane to Glasgow (not how she wanted to spend her Friday night at all) she bumped back into Sylvester and Colin. "Oh, hey!" she smiled. "Hello," Sylvester and Colin chimed. "Well would you look at that?" River purred. "We're sat right next to one another. It must be fate." Rose snorted inwardly, you mean River had bribed someone to give them those seats because that was the only explanation she could think off. "Or it could be because Col and I got our tickets dead cheap and the last minute," Sylvester grinned, "we hadn't planned coming up for another week but it's my girlfriend's birthday and I'm the surprise for her party." "Oh you got a girlfriend!" River exclaimed as if she was interested in that and not at all disappointed (unlike Rose). "Yeah, we both have," Colin replied, "mine is organising the party." River may have been irritated that her pulling technique had failed but it was hard to tell as she spent the whole plane journey chatting cheerfully to Sylvester and Colin while Rose glared daggers into her back. After all River might not mind but Rose could think of better things than ending up wasting her Friday night on airplane for some hair brained scheme to catch men that totally and epically failed. And that was how you're Aunt River and I ended up in Glasgow. DWDWDWDWDW While we girls were going on an adventure on our own, Jack decided to get to know Rory better on a bloke's night out. It wasn't very successful so far. First the conversation (according to your Uncle Rory) had been awkward and then more and more people, girls and boys, were starting to throw themselves at your Uncle Jack, and then there was that phone call from Amy telling Uncle Rory that she trusted him in bar in such a manner that it came across because no one would fancy him. Basically your Uncle Rory felt like a pile of shi- dog poo. A big steaming pile of dog poo. And when he feels like that he gets mopey, and then sets out to prove everyone wrong….. "Hey," Rory grinned lecherously, like Jack had three minutes ago, "How you doin'?" "Not interested," was the girl's flat reply. "Hi," Rory tried again with a different girl, "I'm-" "No." "Hey Rory," Jack piped up, "how about we-" "Yeah, yea, hold on a girl is coming over," Rory dismissed Jack without even looking at him. He smiled awkwardly at the blonde girl in pigtails and she grinned back at him. "What about Amy?" "She said it was all right." "She did?" Jack asked half impressed, half disbelievingly, "hold onto that woman, Rory." "Hi," the blonde girl breathed. "Hi," Rory smiled back. "I just wanted to say…." "Yes?" "That I really like your shirt," the girl finished hurriedly, "my girlfriend would look great in it. Where did you get it?" "Oh," Rory said disappointedly, "I don't really remember I think my girlfriend brought it for me." Jack watched Rory in concern as the girl, Lynda with a Y she had introduced herself as, babbled on endlessly about Rory's shirt, her classes at Uni, and how cool this bar was. Finally Chris had turned his attention to her drink order and she turned away which allowed Jack to pounce on his prey. So to speak. "Want to tell me what's going on?" "What do you mean?" Rory squeaked. "Well," Jack drawled, "this was supposed to be a bloke's night out, and yet we haven't hung out or bonded or whatever we were supposed to do because you keep hitting on every girl that has come near you….which has been every girl in the bar because we've been standing in front of the bar all night." "Sorry," Rory apologised sheepishly, "It's just…I'm getting married soon." "Yes," Jack said slowly, "…and?" "I feel like that I have just been settled for," Rory confessed quickly, "that Amy could do so much better because I'm not that much of a catch. I just want prove that I'm quite attractive." "Is that all?" Jack laughed. "Yeah," Rory muttered. He felt just a little offended that Jack was laughing at all of his fears and worries as if it was nothing. "Why?" "Because you have nothing to worry about," Jack clapped a reassuring hand on Rory's shoulder. "You're a very attractive man." He then leaned in and kissed Rory lightly on the lips. What? What's with that reaction? You mean you don't know that your Uncle Jack is bisexual? Oh all right! I suppose him being married to a woman is a tiny bit misleading but still! Well fair enough I suppose…I didn't know until after this when your Uncle Rory babbled incoherently about it to me and we all confronted him but it isn't a big deal. Absolutely taken by surprise and a little flustered, Rory stuttered something turned bright red, and immediately whirled round to order a drink only to crash into Lynda with a Y which caused her to spill her bright red drink all over Rory's shirt. "Oh no!" she cried out horrified. "Hold on a moment!" she snatched up some napkins and began to rub his chest with them. "Here," the sweet blonde girl with pigtails said desperately, "this will get the stain out." She rubbed his chest furiously. "I hope." It was then Amy walked into the bar. She had been on the M25 finally edging nearing to the M1 when Rose called and told her not to go to Glasgow, a little disappointed but overly worried when Rose asked if she knew the implications of what she had said to Rory (they may have talked on the phone for an hour in which Amy almost crashed twice but oh well), and immediately turned back. It appeared her worries were a reality and she reacted instinctively. "Hands off of my fiancée, you bitch!" she shouted as she yanked the blonde tramp by her hoodie. "What makes you think you can touch my man?" "Amy!" Rory cried out more delighted than aghast. "She was just wiping her drink off my shirt. She wasn't making a move on me!" "Yeah right!" Amy snarled. "I wasn't!" Lynda with a Y shrieked fearfully. "I don't like guys!" "You're gay?" Amy questioned the terrified girl. Lynda nodded quickly which gave her the appearance of a bubble head doll. "Oh thank God!" Amy hugged the girl. "I wasn't entirely sure if I could beat you up." Amy might be the jealous type, but unfortunately Lynda with a Y's girlfriend definitely was. "Oi, bitch!" a furious brunette roared. "Hands off of my girl!" she then yanked Amy by the hair and went to slap her when Amy smacked her hand away. This, of course, led to a full out fight as both girls grabbed hold of each other's arms and dragged one another to the ground. "Cat fight!" Jack boomed excitedly. "Oi!" Chris barked from behind the bar. "No domestics in my pub!" He then, much to all the male population in Galifrey's that night's disappointment, leaped over the bar and pulled the two girls apart. It took a lot of no nonsense talking before a truce was made and Amy's attacker left with her tail tucked between her legs. "That," Rory declared, "was the hottest thing ever." Amy tried to grin but her split lip made her wince instead. Rory tenderly took care of it with his first aid knowledge before he placed the lightest of kisses on it. Meanwhile Jack spent the rest of the night trying to convince Chris to let cat fights happen, or better yet make them mandatory. DWDWDWDWDWDW The next evening Jack and Rose were in Galifrey's alone. A rarity in the last few months since they had met. "It wasn't so bad in the end," Rose grinned, "we ended up in these fantastic bar that's like a mad scientist lab, then we went clubbing and it was much better than that time at Skaro, blokes kept buying us drinks, and we then had the greasiest breakfast you can imagine before we spent the rest of the day shopping and exploring in general. I was so exhausted that I had the best night of sleep in my life despite the fact I was sharing a room with six strangers and River in a youth hostel." Rose finished her story happily as she took a long sip from her drink. It was then she realise that the reason she was still friends with River, despite her being a madwoman, was because their insane adventures always gave her a good story to tell. "So you had a good time then?" Jack asked. His blue eyes twinkled at her as he was obviously amused with her excitement. She beamed back and twirled her slightly greasy blonde hair between her fingers, urgh a shower was definitely a first on the list once she got home. She hadn't even gone upstairs yet because she had bumped into gorgeous Jack Harkness on the way and he offered her a drink in exchange of her story. "Yep!" she popped the p happily. "In fact!" she then dived into her shopping bags and rummaged through them before she pulled out what she was looking for. It was a new dress, the most stunning she had owned since the Summer Ball at Uni years ago. Jack whistled appreciatively which only made Rose smile more. God she never seemed to stop smiling around this man. "I got this at a little shop that I would never have found in London. It'll be perfect for Martha and Mickey's wedding." "Who?" "Martha and Mickey," Rose repeated half exasperated, "haven't we told you about them?" Jack shook his head. "Oh, well, we should, they're awesome if a little too busy with their adult lives but the wedding should be brilliant," she hesitated a little but she was Rose Tyler – a stupid brave moron of love – she had the courage to ask. "Wanna come?" "Sure," Jack grinned and he then held up his glass, "to the next adventure." "The next adventure," Rose clicked her glass against his. And kids, the next adventure was just around that corner because that wedding…well it changed everything for our group. Everything.
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